Why are women who dont want children not taken seriously.

[Darkesteyes]

I was 21 when i realised i didnt ever want to have children. I asked to be sterilised and was refused.

Ive been prompted to start this thread by seeing the different threads on contraception that have been on the boards recently. Im 41 now and still dont want children.
Im no longer sexually active with DH but have had 2 other partners in the last 18 years. One was long term.

The different contraception i have been on in my life are.
Femodene and Logynon Both of these are combined pills. This was between the ages of 19 and 21.
Norplant = contraceptive implant in the arm between the ages of 21 and 24. (Dh no longer wanted sex so i had it removed)
Depo Provera injection between the ages of 30 and 35 when i was seeing my ex OM.
And in the last few months the mini pill Zelleta.
Adding this all up in my head the amount of hormonal contraceptives ive been on in my life is .....a lot.
Ive known for such a long time that ive never wanted children. There is an article in Grazia this week about contraception and the wording underneath the sections about female and male sterilisation differs greatly.
Female sterilisation.
"for when the woman is sure she doesnt want any more children and has completed her family"

Male sterilisation. "for when the couple has completed their family"

I just wish women were taken more seriously. Ive heard a lot of medical ppl say they wont sterilise a woman who has not had children in case she changes her mind. But many of us WONT change our mind. Is this a way to control womens fertility and sexuality? 20 years later i still feel the same about not wanting children.

I completely agree. A woman a while ago on the Pregnancy(???) board came on to ask about sterilisation. She was in her early 40s and had 4 children. Someone actually asked her if she was sure she'd completed her family!

Sorry, that should say *in case I change my mind.

I'm 31 and for years I've been struggling with horrifically heavy (I'm usually housebound for the first two or three days) and painful periods. I can't have hormonal contraception because I have migraines. I've been on both tranexamic acid and mefenamic acid with no visible results. I vetoed the Mirena having read up on it and decided it wasn't right for me.

My GP happily agreed that as I didn't want children (never have and never so much as wavered on that) she would refer me to have an endometrial ablation. I was over the moon, my mum had suffered similarly and finally getting the ablation had changed her life. Except when I saw the consultant he said I was far too young (at 29) to be making such life changing decisions and I should go back in five or ten years.

I've been denied medical treatment that will improve my quality of life because I'm apparently not capable of making decisions regarding my body and my health.

DH has since had a vasectomy (without so much as an "Are you sure?" ) and we're hoping that as we now have permanent contraception in place someone will be willing to do the ablation. I fully expect to be told that I could still meet someone else and change my mind so the next stage of the plan is for me to go private to be sterilised and hope that's enough.

That is awful Loathsome. I hope you get the treatment you need.

Oh Loathsome, how ghastly for you. Too young to be making such life changing decisions? What utter crap. It's disgraceful that women are being shooed out the door with a 'we know best' attitude.

I really hope you don't get yet more static when you ask again for an ablation. Good luck x

Lotta, I agree the "silly little girl" attitude is totally unwarranted and unprofessional. But even still, I understand the reluctance on HCPs part to permanently remove a life option from someone, given the devastating effect that it could have if that person regrets their decision later on.

Loathsome that is appalling. You are being denied a treatment that could greatly improve the quality of your life because they think that you are not capable of making a decision about your own body and your own health.

In 2014.

Incidentally i found Confessions of a Doctor an interesting watch last night. I think its repeated on Four Seven tonight.

Lotta i totally agree.

'In 2014'

I know! You have to keep reminding yourself that it is in fact 2014. No, life is not an episode of Mad Men, even if it bloody feels like it sometimes!

We live in a litigious age, sadly.
Drs may feel they have to protect themselves from those women who may have the op and then change their mind.
My Dh had a vasectomy a few years ago and the dr wasn't happy as he was under 40.
We managed to convince him!

So what about someone who requests a dramatic plastic surgery procedure, like a full nose reconstruction? That would be extremely difficult and painful to reverse. Something tells me they would be less likely to get shooed out of the surgery and told to come back when they have grown up.

SO. If you think that doctors should always offer sterilization to women who say they never want children regardless of their age, do you equally think people who want gender reassignment should not have to go through counseling?

Or that people who'd quite like a limb cut off should just be given that opportunity because it's their body after all?

I'm shocked. I asked my GP if I could get sterilised as a 'by the way' at the end of an appt for my DD. She said no problem, a few days later the paperwork arrived and I have a consultant appt soon. I thought this was normal. Either I am lucky or she thinks I am such a crap parent she is eager to make sure I don't have any more DC

Two friends of mine were both adamant throughout their 20s that they never wanted children, ever. Vehemently sure. Both now have children, mid 30s, planned.

Although as a point of principle I don't support this, to be honest on a practical level I do. I wouldn't like to guess at figures but I imagine there are more women who change their minds than women who don't. And while it's fair enough to say, "Tough luck, you made your bed now off you go and lie on it," the reality is that wouldn't happen - reversals would end up getting carried out for the good of the woman's mental health, or whatever.

I think it's one of those examples where a policy might not benefit the individual but does benefit the cohort.

I have a friend who persuaded a doctor to sterilise her because she was going through a terribly messy divorce at the time and was terrified of becoming pregnant with her soon-to-be ex-husband's child. She's now remarried and bitterly regrets it. At the time, it was a valid reason for her. Afterwards, not so much.

Obviously all issues that affect our bodily autonomy are feminist issues, but it's not as if women are refused sterilisation AND then compelled to give birth to children they don't want. There are other options available to women in the UK in the 21st century - they might not be perfect but they are there and for the most part they're quite good.

Waiting you haven't seen the consultant yet. Wait to hear what they say. My friend aged 40 was recently refused by the consultant because she's had a few surgeries and he doesn't want to go in again.

"So what about someone who requests a dramatic plastic surgery procedure, like a full nose reconstruction? That would be extremely difficult and painful to reverse. Something tells me they would be less likely to get shooed out of the surgery and told to come back when they have grown up."

Actually I think the problem is that cosmetic surgery is given too easily rather than sterilisation is not given easily enough. I think surgeons who make their living out of people's insecurities and who give painful, unnecessary and irreversible surgery to people who haven't fully thought through the consequences of their decision are wholly unethical money grubbing con artists. I would much rather see a situation where all life-changing but not medically essential surgery was difficult to access.

Oh bugger Claw I have recently had an op under GA and as I was OK afterwards this reassured me about having another op!

Totally agree Chunderella. I actually havent asked again for several years now. I am thinking of giving it another try. They cant say i dont know my own mind now im in my forties surely. Though saying we dont know our own minds is probably a statement they make purporting to our gender rather than our age.

I will ask again and i will post the result here.

A 21 year old me was sure about lots of things that the almost 40 year old me isn't so confident on.
Most people do want children, some saying not will change their minds, so for a doctor to trust the specific 21 year old in front of them that they will never feel differently later is a big ask. And, it's such a huge thing, having children or not, it isn't like getting a tattoo, it means a completely different life.

30 seems a reasonable age to me to agree to requests.

Amethyst that is shocking, your friend should never have been sterilised for those reasons but perhaps she managed to convince the doctors that she had other completely different motives.

For goodness sake, those reasons are ridiculous. If you don't want to get PG with your STBXH the easiest way is not to sleep with him in the first place, which if you are in the process of a divorce, can't be that hard, surely? Or if your life is so complicated that you can't say no then just use some BC. How hard can it be?

Actually as someone who knows three people who in their late teens and early twenties came out as gay, and who are all now (apparently) categorically not gay, it is easy to see why HCPs are reluctant to agree to life changing permanent procedures on young people who are still finding out who they really are and what they really want.

But I agree if you are well into your 30s, in a long term permanent relationship and still have no intention of ever reproducing then you deserve to be taken seriously.

loathsome have you got a second opinion on the hormonal contraception?

My GP (contraception specialist) was happy for me to take the pill despite bad migraine with aura.

In her words, the risks involved in a normal pregnancy are greater than the risk of stroke due to use of the pill. No point in risking your health with a pregnancy you aren't sure you want.

Proved rather prophetic. I had a v v high risk pregnancy when I did come off the pill.