Manshake

[Quax]

I have always hated shaking hands. It's such a masculine thing to do. I would honestly rather hug someone than shake their hand.

These were unexpressed thoughts before I met Mr Handbreak.

Seriously, I have moved away from him now, but how do you deal with a man that wants to keep shaking your hand in order to crush it and cause you pain?

Everytime I think of how I've cringed and buckled at the knees and then said "that hurts" fills me with rage. I wish i had used my left hand to punch him in the throat.

Has anyone else experienced Mr Handbreak?

treacle maybe he got in to the habit of overcompensating (if he is quite small) so doing the big hard man shake with other men?

I'd be quite happy to do away with them as I don't really need to meet a stranger and then immediately take on a load of their germs. Do we need bodily contact with strangers? Can't we just say hello?

How about a slight bow or nod of the head?

people always shake the hand of my husband before they shake mine - men and women do this.

it always feels wrong to me anyway. I don't think it is necessary unless you are making some kind of firm contract...

Or OP you could just punch him in the throat

I wish I hadn't said anything about hugging in my OP. It sounds like I'm suggesting people hug at job interviews and business meetings, which would be awful of course.

I was thinking about handshaking between family and friends rather than work. Mr Handbreak was a neighbour and he offered his hand every time I bumped into him. I did tell him not to squeeze so hard but he continued until I told DP and he had a word with him. There was an atmosphere afterwards and I felt ok about refusing his handshakes so I don't know if he would have continued to squeeze.

It annoys me that I felt I needed a man to sort it out. Why the hell didn't I tell him to fuck off the first time he did it? It was absolutely deliberate; not a misunderstanding.

Getting back to the point though, I think it's a masculine action because I've never seen 2 women do this outside of work. My circle of family and friends are all quite tactile so there's lots of hugs and kisses between the women and hearty handshakes/arm-holds/back slapping between the men. I will usually kiss the men on the cheek which feels natural to me. I hate it when they offer their hand. Touching hands feels weirdly personal and intimate to me. I don't want to hold hands with anyone other than DP. It's not about germs, it's about trust and boundaries. I feel vulnerable giving my hand to a bloke, who's bigger and stronger, knowing that he will be deciding how hard to grip, whether to shake or hold and for how long. It doesn't feel mutual like a hug does, it feels like I'm being dominated.

I hadn't thought of the coded aspect of handshaking before, i.e. Freemasons and mind games, so that's really interesting.

Interesting.

I see handshakes as masculine.
Also I think (and have heard and read) that the Brits in general are terrible at greeting each other and saying goodbye - we don't have any set embedded "rules" and we are all rather uncomfortable with the whole thing.

Shaking hands has always felt really unnatural to me. At work I notice that women generally are a lot more tentative about it. I actually noticed the other week - a couple of men at work greet each other with a smile and a generous handshake and a sort of shoulder slap thing - a very natural greeting. Thinking about it the blokes I know generally will often meet in the pub or whatever with a handshake. The women I know don't tend to do anything just say hello.

So having had a think, I would say that yes it is a male greeting in society generally that women do not do and that shows in the work environment. It's a greeting between men isn't it, they are used to proffering their hand it's a normal thing, and consciously or subconsciously a lot of women feel a bit silly when they do it.

It is weird for a neighbour to "formally" greet you like that - "cheery wave" is my default neighbour greeting!

Oh and my grand-dad used to do the mega-hand-squeeze thing when we were kids and yes it hurt and yes WTF.

I haven't had one at work.

Actually these days in business contexts I do tend to stick my hand out first precisely to get over that awkwardness - people can be relieved that you've made a decisive action! It doesn't come naturally to me but I find it useful. Though I do work with lots of people from overseas so it may be interpreted differently

I don't try to hurt people though

I find Mr Handbreak very disturbing - like the kind of man who thinks it's "funny" to pinch his wife and when she protests that it hurts says it was an accident or a joke

in business contexts I do tend to stick my hand out first precisely to get over that awkwardness

Me too, Petula. There is nothing more awkward in business than the other person (male or female) standing there thinking "Do I shake hands or not?" While they are having that thought, I stick my hand out for the shake, and usually they look relieved. The other thing is that, on a psychological level, handshaking in a business context means that you have physically connected with that person, and because you have physically connected with them, it will strengthen any psychological connection you have with them in a discussion (provided the meeting goes well, of course). Then once you shake their hands at the conclusion of the meeting, you are strengthening that connection yet again.

In more personal interactions with family and friends, I tend to hug people, with/without a kiss on the cheek. I would only shake the hands of men I was in the process of forming a friendship with, accompanied with a wide smile and happy demeanor. If an acquaintance did the the whole crushing handshake thing, I would think "Yuck, how quickly can I get away from this dick? I wonder if he does this to other people?" It is a show of dominance, and it speaks to the insecurity of the person doing the crushing handshake.

How about this, between Kryten and the gelf?

m.youtube.com/watch?v=P-wflY-PVkA

Oops. Thought this was in _chat.

It always interests me when people say that. Would you have posted differently if you had known it was FWR?

(I can't watch the video as I am in the land that 3G forgot and it can barely load the thread)

It's meant to be a light-hearted post, which doesn't really seem to be the general tone of this part of the forum. So I probably wouldn't have posted at all if I'd remembered which forum I was in, not wanting to disturb the discussion (which I realise I'm doing now, but you did ask). Were it possible to delete posts, I'd have just done that.

Nah you can't go wrong with a bit of red dwarf! Well unless it's one of those ones they made recently :D

We can be light hearted, y'know!

Tbf though this wasn't a particularly light hearted discussion so I can well understand the oops...

Never mind though eh.

Maybe we should start posting red dwarf links generally to cast off that while humourless thing. Or would it attract more MRA,s... Would they get so confused they implode? Might be with thinking about...

Are we not allowed to be lighthearted now?

Sure. I just thought the OP might be narked if she thought I was making light of something she wanted to start a serious thread about.

I don't get Reddward, I'm not sure it translates to American.

I've never seen 2 women do this outside of work

Really? That's how I greet new acquaintances, male and female. I don't do it outside work after that. I do it in work on first meeting and then only on very formal occasions after that (we have a customer that goes in for it a lot and so many of the more senior people will shake hands with us at every meeting).

So the fact your neighbour wanted to do it every time is weird and unpleasant. I think it's interesting that you didn't feel able to simply say "I won't shake your hand thank you as you hurt me" and not offer your hand. Not at all unusual for the way we are conditioned to be socially compliant.

I've never had any problems handshaking and have a firm but not crushing grip (hate limp handshakes). However, on a purely practical note, since I've developed arthritis in the hands a crushing grip is not merely painful it is bloody agonising. I wonder how many of these crushing grippers ever give a thought to that? There are quite a few of us around with arthritis nursing their painful hands I imagine

Having heard From Our Own Correspondent this morning on Radio 4 though I feel really grateful I don't live in Liberia. The journalist was talking about how Ebola had meant people were stopping touching each other, including hand shaking. He then said that a handshake in Liberia involved a firm grip plus each then pulled the forefinger of the other making the joint crack. Apparently the harder you did it and the louder the noise the better the greeting.