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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

A man at work said this today. Would you do anything about it if it was you?

48 replies

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 17/09/2014 23:24

Two men at work were having a discussion about something we will be having a meeting about. They're on one side of the debate, I'm on the other. One of them said to the other "she only says that because she is grumpy. Slip her two of your horse pills and put a smile on her face. " in front of me and a few other people. he had already made a comment about whether me and my dp had stayed up all night having sex because I said I was tired. The pills comment has shocked me - normally i shrug banter off but this is an awful thing to say and its stuck with me (I'm not saying it's banter btw). Lots of other people around and nobody quite knew what to say so nobody said anything. Apparently he has form for comments to other female colleagues. He seemed such an affable nice old chap. Would you do anything about it? If so, what?

OP posts:
McFox · 17/09/2014 23:28

That's shocking. I'd be thinking about making a formal complaint against him.

FuckOffWeasel · 17/09/2014 23:41

Does that mean, ha ha she'd be stoned and smiley?

Or does that mean drug and assault her?

One is a not clever joke to tell at work and the other I'd report and I'd also stay the fuck away from anyone who found it funny.

McFox · 17/09/2014 23:43

I would have taken it to mean the latter.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 17/09/2014 23:55

I'd take it further. Disgusting and I'd have found that threatening.

I don't think it matters whether he meant stoned and smiley or unconscious and assaulted - don't get into that debate. The fact is, he suggested drugging you without your consent to make your behaviour more submissive. That's foul.

CheesyBadger · 18/09/2014 00:00

Definitely formal complaint territory. Disgusting

SweetsForMySweet · 18/09/2014 00:02

I would tell him it's inappropriate and ask him to apologise. If he continues to make such comments then report him to management

Bragadocia · 18/09/2014 00:03

It's not banter - it's horrible and grossly inappropriate. I would have a word with the line manager first, before formal complaint, but it depends on the faith you have in your manager, and the culture of your organisation.

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 18/09/2014 07:47

I would feel very uncomfortable about working with someone who thinks its funny to drug and rape someone.

tribpot · 18/09/2014 07:53

I'd be taking it up with his line manager - both comments were wildly inappropriate for the office. He may think he's an affable old chap but he needs to cut that shit out.

Greyhound · 18/09/2014 07:58

That's shocking and so is the comment about your sex life.

I would either have a word with him yourself or report him.

Trapper · 18/09/2014 08:00

I'd have thought he meant 'stoned' rather than raped too, but either way it was sexist and derogatory. I would complain about it.

Zazzles007 · 18/09/2014 08:31

I would be highly offended if that were said to me.

First of all, what does your manager say? How does he/she suggest to deal with it? What is your company culture like? Are most people nice and polite, or are most of them jerks and arseholes? It depends on these and a number of other things. Don't go to HR just yet, especially if you have not tried to deal with it yourself - they will want to see what you have done to remedy the situation before you go to them.

Original poster
DontPutMeDownForCardio · 18/09/2014 10:01

Thanks all is nice to know I'm not overeacting. Today another man has called me a dirty bitch for having a little bit of paint from decorating on my hands. I honestly didn't think they were like this. I think I need to speak to a sympathetic manager to get it addressed. Both of them are about 20 years older than me maybe that's why they think they can say this shit. I know it will make me look like the one who can't take a joke.

OP posts:
ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 18/09/2014 10:07

Calling you a dirty bitch is not a joke. If he called you a dirty n***r it wouldn't be a joke. It's not a joke to amuse you, is it - that would be something like "been watching paint dry, I see?!" It's a comment to put you down.

rainbowinmyroom · 18/09/2014 10:08

Complain!

whatdoesittake48 · 18/09/2014 11:35

You need to write this all down - including dates, times, the comment and who else was nearby that may have heard. There seems to be a culture of inappropriate comments in your office that needs to be nipped in the bud. Any manager should take it very seriously - if they don't, you have a real problem,.

Trapper · 18/09/2014 14:22

Just seen your latest update. Find out what the company grievance policy is. Then raise a formal grievance. This behaviour is inappropriate and unacceptable.
I say this as a male snr manager.

SirRaymondClench · 18/09/2014 14:26

I'm assuming by horse pills he meant ketamine.
I have heard of rapes committed whilst someone has been spiked with ketamine. Sad
I would be reporting this fucker immediately.
He is disgusting.

MrSheen · 18/09/2014 14:31

Lots of misogynists hide behind an 'affable chap' persona.

I think "Slip her two of your horse pills and put a smile on her face." means drug and rape. 'Put a smile on her face' is a euphemism for sex isn't it?

For stoned I would have thought 'happy pills' maybe, but 'horse pills' are for knocking you out.

OnlyLovers · 18/09/2014 15:09

Wildly inappropriate. Yes, the comment about slipping you pills surely refers to date rape drugs in your drink.

Not only inappropriate but sexist (would someone say that about a man?) and I'd say incitement to sexual violence.

Please report him. People have got away with thinking this kind of shite is 'just a laugh' etc for way too long.

And write it down as close to verbatim as you can remember, with times and names of anyone else who was there.

Original poster
DontPutMeDownForCardio · 18/09/2014 18:02

Thanks everyone. I found out today that another woman previously complained about him too. I'm going to request a meeting with his and my line manager as soon as I can. It's very useful to get all your perspectives as I'd already started to minimise in my head.

OP posts:
ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 18/09/2014 18:07

Well done!

FuckOffWeasel · 18/09/2014 18:09

Didn't know that about horse pills. Horse pills to me mean "big pills" sorry, that's why I saw it a different way. .

Don't just let it go OP,

OnlyLovers · 18/09/2014 18:19

Good for you, OP.

Zazzles007 · 19/09/2014 02:50

Good for you for raising it with your and his manager. This is not acceptable (and neither is the slur in your update), and I hope you get the horrified response that this sort of thing deserves. If you do not, and it gets minimised by management, start questioning whether you want to work for people who allow arsey behaviour like this as 'normal' conversation in a professional setting. Please let us know the outcome, as women (nor men) should not be belittled and put down in the workplace.