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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

"Clever girl" - I'm pregnant

37 replies

WorkingBling · 19/08/2014 21:39

I recently found out I'm pregnant but had to get an early scan. I sent my mum a text afterwards to say all looks good and to confirm due date. She replied with "that's great. Great excitement here. Clever girl."

Could someone explain to me why that "clever girl" has annoyed me so much? I think it's at least part being called girl when i am nearly 40, married and pregnant with my second child. But that's not it entirely. Is it the assumption that getting pregnant makes me clever? Please help me articulate

OP posts:
PetulaGordino · 19/08/2014 21:46

is it because it's a bit like coming home at the end of term with a good school report? like you've brought them a prize you've won and fulfilled your daughterly duty?

PetulaGordino · 19/08/2014 21:47

congratulations by the way!

HumblePieMonster · 19/08/2014 21:50

Its because your mum said it. When they speak, it annoys. I know because I had one and I am one.

Original poster
WorkingBling · 19/08/2014 21:50

Thanks petula. Yes, perhaps a bit. Especially as actually her first response was to ask if she can tell people now.

I'm not terribly precious about people knowing. I take the view that if anything bad happens I want support from friends and sensitivity from everyone else, but it did grate a bit in this instance. Maybe the "clever girl" thing is an extension of that?

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 19/08/2014 21:50

Oh, and congratulations! Thanks

flanjabelle · 19/08/2014 21:53

I got called clever girl when I had dd. It rankled with me too. Its the verbal equivalent of a pat on the head.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 19/08/2014 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WorkingBling · 19/08/2014 21:58

GrinHahaha. Love that suggestion re response.

And yes, it is the patronising tone. So freaking annoying. Like this is the thing that defines me - my ability to get pregnant (to be fair, with fertility issues it is actually quite impressive I got pregnant without intervention but still! Sex at the right time isn't clever. It's having enough sex! Wink)

OP posts:
Itsfab · 19/08/2014 22:00
Grin

Daft comment as being clever or not has nothing to do with getting pregnant and becoming pregnant doesn't mean you have done anything clever.

EBearhug · 19/08/2014 22:02

If you're pregnant, you're clearly a woman, not a girl. "Clever girl" is what you say to a child managing to do something for the first time, and while your mum's always your mum, it's still nice if she can recognise you're grown up, rather than about 6.

(My mother admitted she never really saw me as properly grown up, even though on a rational level, she knew my job was probably more responsible than some of the people she worked with, and they definitely counted as adults.)

SmallBee · 19/08/2014 22:02

Argh this annoys me to. DH used to call me a 'good girl' when he meant well done or thank you. It made me feel like a dog who'd just done a trick. (Don't worry, he stopped a long time ago)

Lottiedoubtie · 19/08/2014 22:04

I would guess it's because it is false praise. You know that the outcome of the scan wasn't in your hands, it didn't go well because of anything you did (or didnt do) . And then there's an underlying implication that if it had been bad news you would have been at fault somehow?

That said unless your mum has form for being a massive bitch it's VERY unlikely she meant to antagonise you like this!

Original poster
WorkingBling · 19/08/2014 22:06

Oh no. She definitely didn't mean anything by it. It's why i posted here - it felt like one of those casually sexist things people say without realising how offensive it is. I'm not actually annoyed with her. She's just being who she always is.

OP posts:
Lottiedoubtie · 19/08/2014 22:08

My dad snorted with laughter at the idea of me being a grown up not long ago... Despite the fact I'm married, pregnant and earn more PA than his very grown up employees (I have a more responsible job as well). I've been living independently of his support for almost ten years.

I think it's a parent thing Grin

HumblePieMonster · 19/08/2014 22:37

True. My toddler married another toddler and they have a toddler of their own. Very sweet, all living together in their own house and driving cars, going to shopping by themselves and making their own decisions about bedtimes.
Its a parent thing.

tribpot · 19/08/2014 22:45

The phrase 'clever girl' calls to mind the moment in Jurassic Park where Bob Peck realises he's been outflanked by the velociraptors just before one moves in for the kill. .

I would ask your mum if that's what she meant.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 20/08/2014 07:35

YANBU.

Is your husband also aclever boy?

Do you keep your brains in your ovaries?

PastaBow · 20/08/2014 07:39

Ugh. When I was pregnant with my first my DH's aunt texted 'well done, clever you' to DH!!!!!

hollie84 · 20/08/2014 07:42

Get used to it, it will be a constant stream of "good girls" from HCPs now Angry

cailindana · 20/08/2014 09:00

"Clever girl" is one of those parent phrases that pops out without any thought, isn't it? I think parents say it so often it loses meaning until it just becomes just a bunch of sounds that expresses approval and satisfaction.

On a (vaguely) related note I had two slightly weird experiences this week - on Monday my best friend said "good girl, well done," in a sort-of jokey way for something I'd done that she'd been teaching me and I was so mortifyingly pleased I had to run away. Then yesterday my aerobics teacher asked my name and when I told her she said (very sincerely) "Ooh X, that's a lovely name." Again, I was ridiculously pleased. Two patronising things that you would normally only say to a child and I was delighted, perhaps because such words would never ever pass my parents' lips :(
Anyway, what I'm ramblingly saying is, it's a parent thing. It's patronising, yes, and slightly sexist but meant in a good way. I think if you admire the person and want their approval (as I do with my bf and my aerobics teacher) then even though it's patronising it still feels sincerely meant and the sentiment overrides the words.

WhatWitchcraftIsThis · 20/08/2014 10:23

I think I got "clever girl" from some of dh's friends.. I definitely got "well done". Confused

People are weird (and sexist) especially when you are pregnant.

twoweeks · 20/08/2014 10:27

I had a son first. When I then had a daughter, I was called 'clever' by various colleagues, neighbours, friends etc. I found it utterly bizarre.

My best friend, who had a very quick, no-intervention water birth was called 'clever' by all and sundry. She made a point of saying 'lucky!' Every single time.

People can be most odd about this.

Purpleroxy · 20/08/2014 10:31

Overanalysing majorly. She's happy about it. She used old fashioned words. I hope you are going to let this go.

bohoec · 20/08/2014 10:36

YY to the "well done" comments Confused
It made me rage during my first pregnancy.

WhatWitchcraft is right, some people are a bit weird and prone to sexist remarks when faced with a pregnant woman. They mean well though, I think. Maybe as a society we're just not very good at knowing the right thing to say.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 20/08/2014 12:59

Purple, it's pretty clear OP is posting on here to avoid upsetting her mum.