Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Too intense for the school gate?

48 replies

BerylStreep · 15/05/2014 00:38

I suspect it was.

Me and DH were in Amsterdam for the weekend. Had a great time, and picked up DD from school on the way back from the airport on Monday afternoon.

Was chatting to another Mum at the gate, and mentioned we had just got back from Amsterdam, to which she asked, 'oh, did you and DH go to any of the sex shows?' wink wink.

To which I initially struggled to answer, and ended up saying that sexual exploitation sort of conflicted with my feminist principles. She was a bit aghast, and muttered something about only joking.

The thing is, we did walk through the red light district, and it really does go against everything I believe in. There were young girls standing in windows who must only have been 16 or 17, and it seemed so completely wrong even to look at them - such a power imbalance. It isn't what I would want for my own DD, so how is it acceptable to ogle at someone else's DD? DH had always been of the view that it is harmless titillation, although once there he agreed with my point of view.

Anyway, I suspect that I responded wrongly to the social situation at the school gate. I probably should have laughed knowingly, but I just couldn't bring myself to. What do you think?

OP posts:
mrsbrownsgirls · 15/05/2014 01:02

I think she was joking and you overreacted a little but no harm done.
did you like Amsterdam?

MrsCakesPremonition · 15/05/2014 01:11

I would probably have stuck with "Not us, we were too busy eating pancakes" and not try to engage in more at the school gate.

I think it is possible to walk through a red light district and focus on where you are going rather than ogling the women, or even looking at them. But I agree it is uncomfortable and many of the images on display are intrusive and somewhat disturbing.

Next time you visit, you'll know to avoid that small area and focus on the rest of Amsterdam instead.

eightyearsonhere · 15/05/2014 01:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BerylStreep · 15/05/2014 01:22

Loved Amsterdam - gorgeous city, amazingly friendly service everywhere we went.

I would have loved to have been able to respond that we were off our faces for the whole weekend, which was true, but I am a bit of a hypocrite pillar of the community and this would have been even worse!

OP posts:
whereisshe · 15/05/2014 01:22

I agree with you about the red light district in Amsterdam and I probably would have said something similar about finding it disturbing and not something to joke about. She probably was only joking, but some things just aren't funny. In any case, small talk doesn't always have to be anodyne...

Original poster
BerylStreep · 15/05/2014 01:24

EightyYears - thank you. Are you actually 80 years old?

OP posts:
ThaneOfScunthorpe · 15/05/2014 03:28

Just because it's casual and meant as a joke (har har) doesn't mean you can't challenge it if it makes you uncomfortable/is discordant with your views.

I agree with eighty, if 'only joking' woman had related that anecdote to me I'd have made a beeline for you at the school gate!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 15/05/2014 08:23

eighty is actually 8years Grin

Seems fair enough to me, OP.

MorrisZapp · 15/05/2014 08:26

I would have laughed it off. She probably thinks you're hard work now.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 15/05/2014 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialmagiclady · 15/05/2014 12:44

Good for you! You said the right thing. Perhaps her awkwardness was the scales falling from her eyes!

ThaneOfScunthorpe · 15/05/2014 13:58

I read 'eighty years' too, I was wondering what MN was like in 1934.

ouryve · 15/05/2014 14:03

I think you're perfectly entitled to reply in a way that is true to yourself. If that makes other parents uncomfortable, then it's a bloody good filter for the ones you want to pass the time of day with at the school gate.

UptoapointLordCopper · 15/05/2014 19:13

I agree with your response. Will you be my friend at the school gate? Smile

BriarRainbowshimmer · 15/05/2014 19:29

OP I think she was the one who responded in an inappropriate way. Why bring up the sex industry? It's not a lighthearted topic.

FloraFox · 15/05/2014 19:37

I agree with Briar and who cares if she thinks you're hard work. Better than having to nod along with that sort of crap for the next ten years.

AnnieLobeseder · 15/05/2014 19:42

Exactly how I would have responded and exactly how I would have spent a weekend in Amsterdam. Do you want to be my friend, OP? Grin

Me2Me2 · 15/05/2014 19:49

I would have done the same. If you know it's wr

Me2Me2 · 15/05/2014 19:57

I would have done the same. If you know it's wrong and feel strongly about it then it would be wrong to pretend otherwise. Plus you would then be complicit in sustaining the status quo that allows that industry to keep doing what it's doing. Gosh I sound militant.

Mintyy · 15/05/2014 19:59

Why did you walk through the red light district? It is completely avoidable if you don't want to go there.

thecatfromjapan · 15/05/2014 20:08

I'd want to be your new best friend if I overheard you saying that.

A friend of mine once explained to me that the great virtue of laying your cards on the table vis a vis your core beliefs quite early on in intimate/friend/acquaintance/mot-friend negotiations is that it sorts out the time-wasters early on.

And how the fuck did it become "neutral" to be nudge-nudge-wink-wink about going to a sex show?

My memories of Amsterdam are, ironically, attending a feminist conference there, in which one woman gave a lecture about the (then) looming problem of the illegal importation and enslavement of women in the sex trade. That was some 20 years ago. I know the situation has not improved.

CaptChaos · 15/05/2014 20:38

I think what you said was wonderful. I'd want to speak to you again.

I am so tired of people, when it becomes obvious that I'm a feminist, deciding that I am a lesbian who hates men. I have been asked why, if I am a feminist, I have long hair.

To actually be able to talk to real actual people about ideas I hold dear to my heart would be brilliant. DH tries, bless him, he even agrees with me on a lot of things, but it's not the same IYSWIM?

EBearhug · 15/05/2014 22:24

The red light district is avoidable if you know exactly where you are, but if you're just strolling round in roughly the right direction, it's quite easy to end up there.

I wander like this quite often in new places - it's a good way of getting to learn what's where in relation to other things. I've done it this very evening in Coventry.

The Hemp Museum in Amsterdam was v interesting, though, which was one bit of the RLD I did go into. I think my colleagues were less fascinated by facts about how much it can grow in a year and all its myriad uses.

The girls in the windows though, that wasn't nice at all, and I was there in the morning. I didn't find out what it was like at night.

Mintyy · 15/05/2014 22:27

Sorry, I don't agree. I have been to Amsterdam several few times. Spent days walking around and chose not to go to the red light district. It is notorious throughout the world, so if you don't want to be part of it then you go out of your way to avoid it, imo.

Montegomongoose · 15/05/2014 22:31

I too would make a beeline for you. I lived there for several years and was always saddened by the number of people who wanted lurid sex and drugs tales and who muttered off as soon as I said it was exploitative and grim and banged on about the Van Gogh museum and rijstafels instead.

You'd know me at the school gate. One-woman wolf pack!