SAHM compared to SAHD

[WorkingBling]

DH is a SAHD. I work in the City. We have a number of friends and acquaintances where the man is the breadwinner and the woman is a SAHM. And of course, on forums like MN I come across a lot of SAHM.

But I've noticed a distinct difference in the way I, as the working parent, do things compared to the men in my situation and overall, a difference in what DH and I consider normal in terms of responsibilities etc.

For example, last night, DH went to meet three male friends. This was arranged at relatively short notice over the weekend. Two of these men have SAH wives. So far, so good. However, when these women and I try to arrange a night out, we have to plan it weeks, if not months, ahead because it is SO difficult for them to commit to a date. So basically, they have to book it with their husbands so far ahead of time that they can then remind him ten times. And 9 times out of 10, they'll be late on the night because he didn't turn up until later than planned.

Similarly, when I got home at 8pm the other night, the online shop was unpacked as it had arrived while DH was putting DS to bed. He was still upstairs with DS so I unpacked and put supper on. Again, this feels like something most working parents in this situation don't see as their job.

I get up before DH and DS almost every day. And I go to work relatively early and I come home relatively late. And yes, DH does the bulk of household chores, but when I get home if there are still chores to be done, DH and I share them. And I commit to being home early enough for DH to go out or to the gym at least once a week and aim for twice.

So my question is, is this a feminist issue? Is it because in many cases when a man is the working parent with a SAH partner, does he think that means he doesn't have to do any domestic or childcare duties? Why? I'm willing to concede it might also be a financial thing - I earn a six figure salary and work in the City but I'm in a support function so I'm not a lawyer or banker or accountant. Certainly DH's friends I was talking about further up earn more than me. Is this why?

It infuriates me. And even more so because you can't address this with any of the women or men involved- in my experience people get defensive and upset.

I am in a similar position - DH is SAHD. DCs are 4 years old, in preschool 3 mornings a week and all day Thursday.

I plan the meals and mostly do the shopping. I cook when I get in from work unless we have arranged DH to cook.

And I do bedtime every night. I also do most of the weekend stuff ( take to football etc.)

We do have a lot of land so DH is often busy doing outside stuff, but I worked out a couple of weeks ago that during the week DH has 17 hours of free time, and I have 5.

I have thought about it a lot - a huge part of the problem is that I both enjoy doing some of the house stuff, and I feel guilty that I am away from the DCs during mother day, so I feel I need to 'make up for it' somehow, maybe by being the perfect mother.

The day, not mother day.

There was a study recently that female breadwinners actually do more housework/childcare than lower earners to avoid "subconsciously" emasculating their partners.

Certainly exH capitalised on this concept.

I annoy unhappy about our split at all I think it's right. I go out regularly and definitely do less household stuff overall. My point is that I still do some, I don't opt out. I don't think sahm should have to do everything and it drives me mad that they don't tend to have ability to go out or do things for themselves. If dh and I can manage it, why can't others?

I meant I am not unhappy with our split.

I think a lot of people have a cleaner which helps - we cannot afford one.

I think it's clear from MN that many SAHMs believe they should do everything in the domestic sphere.

Apparently this is the only way for their DH to do his Big Job.

I find this odd as a. lots of men (including my DH) manage a Big Job without absenting themselves from family life and responsibilities and b. I don't know any SAHDs that think this way!

Maybe its because you don't take your DH for granted, because it is less common for dads to be SAHPs. I get particularly annoyed by some male colleagues who refer to "babysitting" their kids to allow their wives a night out. I have never heard a mother (working or SAHM) say she is babysitting her own kids.

It should come down to equal free time I think. You need to read "Wifework". It is very eye opening

There are men with the same attitude as you, I am a sahm atm & my husband acts as you do.

I think it's the patriarchy/people's ideas of roles etc, not related to salary or job type. I am frequently saddened by how I see my sahm friends be treated and I have far more female friends than male now partly because of losing respect for a lot of the blokes. You don't have to conform to an outdated norm & take your wife for granted, so why do you? Grrr.

Word - funnily enough, a couple I know have the "SAHP does everything" mentality and maintained it when the woman went back to work and the man became a SAHD. The man is very very much a "traditional" SAHP while the wife has become what seems to me to be the extreme traditional WOHP - working all hours, travelling extensively even when not necessary, total lack of interest in the home/family. She's agreed to travel at just the time when her DS will start school. It didn't even occur to her that she might want to see him off in his uniform. The husband sees the situation but as he was exactly the same when his wife was at home (and regrets it) he feels he can't complain now. I wonder if there's a slight element of revenge - the wife was up 5 times a night for 18months and the husband never helped. He feels bad about it still and his wife takes advantage of that to a certain extent I think. Interestingly he makes all the same justifications for his behaaviour that women make - she works hard, she needs to advance her career etc etc.

I know my PILs are bemused by the fact that my DH takes an active part in running our house even though I'm a SAHM.

My own dad was a supposed SAHD but he just kept us intact and alive, nothing else. My mother worked fulltime and organised everything. My dad was no more than a thoroughly incompetent childminder.

I can relate to this! I work full time so does her dad.

I'm at work before he's even awake. I I get home after him. I do all the housework and washing, ironing. Used to make his sandwiches etc but frankly I can't be bothered now.

I do a second job on a Tuesday. I moved this to tonight for him and then tonight he got home an hour late (!!!) and then casually did a poo and got changed not thinking about me being an hour late.

If he goes out, it's ill be back when I'm back. I have to give an approximate time. He expects me to not rely on him at all because real women don't need a man, especially financially but in fairly certain he struggles to wipe his ares himself!

That's why he's her dad and not DP.

I think men just don't get how much responsibility we have. It's rare you get a man that co-parents equally IME

No good moaning about him dub,you facilitate and support by skivvying around after him
Stop doing all the stuff,simple as that.he will not act equal so long as you busy yourself
And inadvertently you're enacting wee woman role

It's not facilitating as such. If I don't clean, neither does he.

He's just started looking after DD while I go to the gym. It's only after I've put her to sleep tho. And when we agreed it, his exact words were... Now I'm looking after her more, I expect more commitment from you with the housework

I sometimes think that I'm living in a parallel universe. Why, in the year 2014 are people not realising that if they continue to baby their partner then they will carry the burden of looking after the home?

I'm not getting at anyone in particular. I just worry for my own dc. I would dearly like the world to be a better place for women when they (both genders) reach adulthood. It would appear things are getting worse.

By the way, I'm not blaming women. I have no respect for men who fall into this way of living or indeed encourage it.

He is incredibly good with DD now she's a fun age tho he has his good points

yama I agree.

I cannot undertsand how anyone could find someone attractive if they ducked out of all family responsibilities.

I also cannot understand why anyone wants to duck ouyt of them all.

Thanks Wordfactory. Right, suppose I'd better go and give dh a hand with the kitchen. Being that we both, you know, love each other.

OP I don't think it's because they earn more money. I think it's a sense of entitlement they have that their wives will do all these things. I think men are socialised this way so yes, it's a feminist issue. You weren't socialised as a boy / man so you don't behave that way. Your experience is consistent with most SAHDs I know.

And some women still martyr themselves doing more,stereotypically tsking oh men
Well actually it's a men and women thing,if they're allegedly entitled the done women are martyrs
Doing more tasks,stuck in domestic inequality maintained by fact they'll skivvy after their man

I think skivvy is a harsh term.

And I think skivvying after a man and then complaining he's entitled is blinkered
If you accept the inequality in task distribution,as oh that's men,you're a mug
Fir so long as some women enable and facilitate their partners to be unequal that's their folly

NC.

I have ACCEPTED anything. That's why he's not DP. I had a bad day, I'm allowed to moan.

Urgh, haven't. I haven't accepted anything.

I'm no skivvy and that's why I'm not putting up with it. Doing things for someone's partner is nice, it does not make them a skivvy

By all means speak your mind that's the point!i read it on mn a lot.some women bemoan partner
Some woman do more stuff,etc and feels aggrieved.puts it down to men,eh
Yes and fir as long as some women suck it up,nothing changes.theyre at fault as is the man