SAHM compared to SAHD

[WorkingBling]

DH is a SAHD. I work in the City. We have a number of friends and acquaintances where the man is the breadwinner and the woman is a SAHM. And of course, on forums like MN I come across a lot of SAHM.

But I've noticed a distinct difference in the way I, as the working parent, do things compared to the men in my situation and overall, a difference in what DH and I consider normal in terms of responsibilities etc.

For example, last night, DH went to meet three male friends. This was arranged at relatively short notice over the weekend. Two of these men have SAH wives. So far, so good. However, when these women and I try to arrange a night out, we have to plan it weeks, if not months, ahead because it is SO difficult for them to commit to a date. So basically, they have to book it with their husbands so far ahead of time that they can then remind him ten times. And 9 times out of 10, they'll be late on the night because he didn't turn up until later than planned.

Similarly, when I got home at 8pm the other night, the online shop was unpacked as it had arrived while DH was putting DS to bed. He was still upstairs with DS so I unpacked and put supper on. Again, this feels like something most working parents in this situation don't see as their job.

I get up before DH and DS almost every day. And I go to work relatively early and I come home relatively late. And yes, DH does the bulk of household chores, but when I get home if there are still chores to be done, DH and I share them. And I commit to being home early enough for DH to go out or to the gym at least once a week and aim for twice.

So my question is, is this a feminist issue? Is it because in many cases when a man is the working parent with a SAH partner, does he think that means he doesn't have to do any domestic or childcare duties? Why? I'm willing to concede it might also be a financial thing - I earn a six figure salary and work in the City but I'm in a support function so I'm not a lawyer or banker or accountant. Certainly DH's friends I was talking about further up earn more than me. Is this why?

It infuriates me. And even more so because you can't address this with any of the women or men involved- in my experience people get defensive and upset.

But that's the point... I've left him. Until he becomes less selfish. If possible.

With DD I had to rely on him today. More fool me

You need to decide what your absolutes are in relationship,and looks like you have in this case
Only you can assess if dd with your dp was good choice
My global point is mn is regularly full of he does sweet fa,woman does loads posts

Sorry. Fell asleep.

Yes I agree, I read it a lot too.

Normally him and DD is fine. No issues really but last night he really took the piss.

He's getting much better. It's a slow process but the wheels are in motion

DH and I had a bit of a chat about this tonight. We both work FT, I was on maternity leave until recently. When he was on paternity for 6 months with our first he did 90pct of everything. I must admit I made him, because he made me during my 6 months after DC1 was born.

I taught him how to cook and how to do the laundry. So no excuse.

On the household chores front we do 50/50 now but I find I have to remind him.

We view each other as equals, probably helps that we work together at same level, and for some years prior to starting our relationship I was in a senior position.

Interestingly in previous relationships where I have also been with DPS at similar pay level, but have no concept of me professionally I have been made to feel their role is more important and running the household was my domain. I can't believe I idiotically went along with it!

I feel like DH and I are a team, there is very little resentment over who is not doing their fair share, we bicker over the TV and buying too much junk food. Neither of us ask permission to have an evening off to socialise.

I just hope this all rubs off onto DD and DS.

'He made me' - do 90% of household stuff in the 6mo immediately after birthing a baby? That sounds so unloving.

(Of him, I mean! You'd just had his baby! And 0-6mo often harder by far, esp w first, than 6-12mo)

OP - I'm not sure it's worth being infuriated by the way other couples run their lives! The division of labour and responsibilities is different in every family and, despite the best efforts of governments and other meddling parties, people still manage to work their lives out for themselves .

MavisG, he freely admits that he had no real idea of what taking care of a baby involved, or in fact what taking care of the housework would be like either. In his head he thought paternity leave would be a bit like a holiday. He got a rude shock!

His mum was SAHM and his dad although lovely still does no housework now retired. It's like the garden and DIY are for men and home and cooking for women.

It took DH doing 6 months on his own to change his views. Yes he was happy to sign up to take care of baby and home but he just didn't have a clue. He thought it would be easier than going to work everyday. He thought he'd have lots of spare time to do hobbies!!

And that's the problem, if we don't make our sons do their fair share as children, they have no concept of chores and they will accept it as women's work. That we are naturally better at it, that they don't have to do it.

Yeah me and my dh thought my mat leave would be a bit of a break after my v demanding job. But when it was harder he listened to me and believed me and presumed, accurately, that I was doing what I could in the house (v little). He encouraged me to ignore it and go out and make friends and he got stuck in when home (and we adopted lower standards tbh). I'm not saying this to boast. I feel angry that your dh would be so rude to you and hope anyone reading this in a similar situation sees they don't need to accept it. Such a vulnerable time though, totally gt why you did accept it.

He wasn't rude to me, perhaps 'made me' was a poor choice of words. Let's just say that he is a much better person for having done paternity leave.

That's why the more men are left with children alone for good long chunks of time the better, so they know what it is like. Get that going very early on.

I could agree more Maria. I always knew I would work and needed my partner to parent equally. I left ds with dh regularly from about 2 months of age. Firstly to go to yoga on a Saturday morning or a swim when he got back from work at 6:30 pm. He had him overnight at 5 months and for a weekend at 7 months. We may argue about the house (shopping, cleaning ,laundry )but he has always done 50% with the dcs.

I'm a SAHM. I have 3 preschoolers so I am busy looking after them all day and don't have time for more than a little tidying, clearing dishes etc during the day. My DH and I share the household tasks when the DCs go to bed. If they were older and at school then I would gave time to do the housework during the day obviously.

I don't think it is because you are a woman and he is a SAHD. I think it is because you are reasonable and maybe the DPs of some of your friends are not.

I'm the working parent and DH is SAHD. We also have a less unequal split than most couples I know where the wife is SAHM. I entirely agree with gilliangoof that it's about behaving reasonably: it wouldn't be reasonable for me to assume he's morphed into a domestic skivvy just because he's home with DS (DS is seriously hard work without adding housework into the mix).

I'm not saying I wouldn't like it if I came home to a clean, tidy house, adorable child in pyjamas ready for a goodnight kiss, dinner on the table and a dry Martini waiting for me. Of course I would. But if the price of having that is treating my DH as less of a person than I am, and less deserving of rest and time off, then it's simple: I can't have it (even if DH was willing to do it!) because I would despise myself for behaving like that towards another human being.

What works for us is lowering standards, I'm afraid. Having a cleaner stops us actually sinking into squalor.