I'm a newly married man and agonising about what we should do about surnames.

[MaleMan81]

My wife and I got married a few months ago. She hasn't changed her surname to mine, and I've been saying to her that I'm not sure I agree with the idea of a woman taking a man's name. And that's how we have left it.

I think we both would be very happy with this decision if children were never going to be part of the picture.

However she recently became pregnant, and although we are both thrilled and excited, I have started to think that if we are going to become a family it would make us all feel more united if we both had the same surname as our child. My wife agrees with this.

So the options as I see it are - she takes my name, I take her name, or we do that terribly modern thing of meshing together our surnames to make a whole new name!

Now I would like to think of myself as a thoroughly enlightened man who is a feminist, but the problem I'm having is that her surname sounds a tiny bit silly, and is the kind of name that would be gift to bullies in any environment. I don't want to write her actual name, but a surname that would provoke a similar reaction might be something like "Awkwardly". What is worse is that my first name rhymes with her surname, which would give me a name which would at the very least cause raised eyebrows I imagine.

In comparison my surname is more normal with no real meaning, and is something along the lines of "Bailey".

The only meshed version of our names that really scans property actually sounds even worse than her surname, and not something I would want to saddle a child with.

So that leaves me favouring my own surname simply because it sounds more normal, and works better with both our first names. And to be fair my wife has said that she was a bit embarassed by her surname as she was growing up, although now she is fine with it.

I would like to think that if it was her with the normal sounding name and me with the odd name, then I would be happy to change my name to hers. But I'm worried that subconsciously I am simply imposing my name on her as is "tradition" and automatically favouring my own name.

I am also aware that her taking my name is the "normal" and "expected" thing to happen, and is the easy option in terms of acceptance in society. And I must also admit that I am generally a quiet person who doesn't like to draw attention to myself - which is exactly what would happen if I did what is seen (by society at least) as something reasonably radical like taking my wife's name.

I'm just confused and going around in circles now. What have others done?

No other middle names. They would be first name, surname for day to day purposes. My middle name is of no use, has no connection to anything. My first name has done me just fine so far. My parents can't even recall why we were all given middle names other than it was tradition but the names have no family significance so none of us have ever used them and have pretty much dropped them even on official documentation.

My friend however has the exact same name as her living mother and living grandmother - she's sadly relieved that great granny Margaret is now deceased as 4 living Margaret X Xs in the same family is one too many apparently. That is a tradition that baffles me.

@Woodhead yes my reply was mainly in jest, but partly admitting that perhaps deep down I'm less flexible that I think I am.

@TheFabulousIdiot I just don't like the thought of her taking my name without some sort of discussion first about why she is doing it.

The reason I came onto MN was to get women's opinions, for which I thank you all. And I am glad to see there is no one point of view, so the best advice is to do what suits you best!

There is no perfect solution, OP. Even having one name officially and one personally can be difficult if you have some id in some name and some in another eg credit cards.

Pretty much all the options have been covered here :) It seems you hadn't really thought about the fact that loads of families have mixed-up surnames, nor even that names are malleable: the convention that's binding you is actually fairly new in our culture (don't know about others,) going back no more than about 150 years.

Mind if I tell you about two of my friends? They're both aged around 50, so not blazing trendy trails or anything

One, D, has three children and three surnames. The DC all have her husband's surname; my friend and H are still married. Throughout her adult life, she's been known by her maiden (father's) name for work, her husband's name for family stuff, and her mother's maiden name for everything else. She has three sets of bank accounts and all three surnames on her passport. This is a tradition in her (very British) family.

My friend C has been married twice, divorced twice, and has three teenage/young adult DC from the first marriage. Both C and the children change their surnames periodically, for no obvious reason, and not in sync. In the ten years I've known them, they've been variously:
Firstname Maidenname
Firstname Maidenname Husband1name
Firstname Husband1name
Firstname Husband2name
Firstname Maidenname Husband2name
Firstname Husband2name Maidenname Husband1name
Firstname Maidenname Husband1name Husband2name

Long names seem to be quite fashionable at the moment. If C marries again, I expect to see her DC wearing their full given names, her maiden name, and all the husband's names at some point!

Personally, I like the idea of a made-up name. It could be a place that means a lot to both of you, a shared ancestor name, a favourite composer - anything! What does DW think about all the possibilities?

"the best advice is to do what suits you best!"

Indeed it is :)

My husband and I decided that our children would take his surname - my surname is unusual and difficult to pronounce for people unfamiliar with the language - yet I double barrelled my name. I couldn't QUITE give up my own name, yet wanted to share my husband and children's name. It worked for us...my husband was quite happy to take my name but I felt his name (very ordinary and English) would be better for everyone.

Yes, I second (third?) the advice above...just do what is right for your family!!!!

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but I don't have the same surname as my dcs and it has never caused an issue.

DS has a double-barrelled name and it works absolutely fine. IIWY I would have wifename-husbandname as the first one is likely to get dropped (if, as your DW says it is embarrassing)

FWIW DS loves having a double-barrelled name as he thinks it sounds posh!

Oblamov why is double surnaming 'twatty'? Just blindly taking aabd surname is very sad. It shows how far we have to go before women are seen as equal to men. Sometimes something can seem weird and unusual but it is extremely important to do it anyway so that we can further equal rights.

I often hear the rationale that the woman's name is "less desirable" (sounds strange, unusual, needs spelling out etc) than the man's. But on the whole equal numbers of men and women must have "less desirable" names based on those criteria. Why is it that (mainly) when the "less desirable" name is the woman's, it is actually a justification/reason to take the man's name, but when the situation is reversed (man with the less desirable name) it's much less of an issue, i.e. not often used as a reason to take the woman's name? I even know of women taking the awkward, undesirable man's name (in my opinion, anyway), stating that her name was too normal, but it rarely happens the other way.

Just wanted to throw that out there. What is an awkward or a desirable name is not gender neutral, as I see it.

If you all want the same name you don't have to use a name that either of you already have, you can use any name you want.

In arab countries it is common for a woman to change her name when she has a son, she basically becomes 'mother of son's name' you could do something like that, pick a name for your child including a surname and then both change your names to that.

I took DH name, I regret it now and am working on reclaiming mine. The children have my surname as a middle name, which seems to please everyone, my brother and father and grandmother all have my great grandmothers maiden name as a middle name, so it's nota new tradition in my family.

If I was doing it again I would keep my name and give dd my name and ds his fathers.

In arab countries it is common for a woman to change her name when she has a son, she basically becomes 'mother of son's name'

Bloody hell, that puts her in her place doesn't it?

grimbletart

Lol, better than just being 'begum', but not much.

Not sure if the same happens with girls (my friend married to an Arab only had boys) but you don't get to chose your boy's middle name. He gets one name chosen by parents, then his dad's name as a middle name, and then his grandad's as his surname.

I was in a similar position, my surname is awkward and a bit silly. My DPs is a better sounding name. So we have the dc his name and I kept mine (we are not married).

It hasn't caused any problems really. People often call me Mrs instead of ms anyway, like the dc school. It doesn't really bother me as I don't like my surname. It slightly annoys me from a feminist point of view but if I'd had a better surname I would have given it to them.

The one thing I will say is now, 10 years down the line, I slightly regret it from a unity point of view. I am slightly the odd one out and often feel like "their mum" rather than "his partner" but that is probably more to do with us not getting married whih was probably also a mistake .....

Doesn't cause any issues with my relationship with the dc though.

One of those pesky "women's surnames", eh, flatmum?

In a way I do like the idea of girls being given their mothers' surname and boys their fathers'. But it would make a strange split in families, with mothers and daughters on one side and fathers and sons on the other. It's a fantasy, but maybe there could be an added name that the parents would select, which the entire family would use, perhaps more like an emblem than a name as such. Years ago I did see some artwork done by "Anne of the Red Crate". Choose your symbol!

My name is a lot less silly than my DH's. Weirdly he didn't offer to take mine and no-one else suggested it...

I have an awkward to spell, awkward to pronounce surname. DP has a pretty common surname that only has one spelling.

DS has my surname. Yes, the pesky "woman's surname". He has a family first name from DP's side. We're all entirely happy with this, and it has caused no problems whatsoever.

I actually think DS having a slightly less common surname may be a positive advantage in that he'll be remembered more easily. (Let's face it, if someone said "if we take DW's name our son will be called Benedict Cumberbatch" there'd doubtless be lots of cries of "ooh you can't saddle the poor thing with that, take DH's name" but it has done Mr C himself no harm at all, actually quite the opposite.)

We did discuss picking a common surname, but we couldn't think of one. Going back up family trees for inspiration and to have a name with some connection is a brilliant idea though, wish we'd thought of it.

We aren't married (one good reason for picking my name over DP's is that the legal system does not treat male and female surnames equally - if we later get married, & DS already had DP's surname we're stuck with it. But if he has mine, we can change it then and re-register the birth!). If we do get married at some point, we'd consider picking a shared family surname. Now that I have the idea of going up family tree, that might be easier to do.

I have an uncommon, but easy to spell and pronounce and nice sounding 4 letter last name, even though I am a woman.Maybe it's because I'm a feminist?

I kept my own name when I married. I didn't really think a lot about my DC's names, and they have DH's name.

However, recently, he confided to me that he hates his name, and wishes he had taken my surname on marriage, but due to difficult family relationships, didn't feel he could suggest it. (His parents call me by his name - even where I am named as an executor of their wills. )

I have a long, foreign surname; I always have to spell it out and nobody can pronounce it. I still kept it when we got married. It's my name.

Our children have both our names, not hyphenated. It's quite a mouthful, but not really a problem. I sometimes get called by my husband's surname, occasionally he gets called by my surname. Some people might be confused by it and some might assume we're not married. None of it matters! But changing my name and giving our children only my husband's name really would have mattered to me.

We have been through the same dilemma. My husband gave in when I asked him if he would take my surname. He said no, - and I pointed out it wasn't really reasonable for him to ask me to do something that he wasn't prepared to do himself!

So I have my surname, and he & the boys have his surname. And we are all happy, and 10 years down the line, it is a complete irrelevance.

Please don't spend too much time or emotional energy on this. Concentrate on being happy together.

Mellicauli, that's the exact approach I took! Although when I asked him if he would take my surname to be a "united family" and he said no, he claimed that my surname was more awkward than his. It might be, slightly, but nothing embarrassing or difficult (my surname consists of three letters, so it couldn't possibly be hard to spell and doesn't mean anything embarrassing). So he kept his and I kept mine. The children have his surname. He still sometimes says jokingly that I don't want to belong to the family because I haven't got the same name, but I just shrug. If it was that important, he would have taken mine.

As it turns out, it isn't important at all to have the same name.

I really wouldn't want DH to take my name. I would feel like I was adopting him or something! And vice versa. It really, really is not a big deal to have a different surname to one of your parents. I have always had a different surname to my mum and it is just fine.