I'm a newly married man and agonising about what we should do about surnames.

[MaleMan81]

My wife and I got married a few months ago. She hasn't changed her surname to mine, and I've been saying to her that I'm not sure I agree with the idea of a woman taking a man's name. And that's how we have left it.

I think we both would be very happy with this decision if children were never going to be part of the picture.

However she recently became pregnant, and although we are both thrilled and excited, I have started to think that if we are going to become a family it would make us all feel more united if we both had the same surname as our child. My wife agrees with this.

So the options as I see it are - she takes my name, I take her name, or we do that terribly modern thing of meshing together our surnames to make a whole new name!

Now I would like to think of myself as a thoroughly enlightened man who is a feminist, but the problem I'm having is that her surname sounds a tiny bit silly, and is the kind of name that would be gift to bullies in any environment. I don't want to write her actual name, but a surname that would provoke a similar reaction might be something like "Awkwardly". What is worse is that my first name rhymes with her surname, which would give me a name which would at the very least cause raised eyebrows I imagine.

In comparison my surname is more normal with no real meaning, and is something along the lines of "Bailey".

The only meshed version of our names that really scans property actually sounds even worse than her surname, and not something I would want to saddle a child with.

So that leaves me favouring my own surname simply because it sounds more normal, and works better with both our first names. And to be fair my wife has said that she was a bit embarassed by her surname as she was growing up, although now she is fine with it.

I would like to think that if it was her with the normal sounding name and me with the odd name, then I would be happy to change my name to hers. But I'm worried that subconsciously I am simply imposing my name on her as is "tradition" and automatically favouring my own name.

I am also aware that her taking my name is the "normal" and "expected" thing to happen, and is the easy option in terms of acceptance in society. And I must also admit that I am generally a quiet person who doesn't like to draw attention to myself - which is exactly what would happen if I did what is seen (by society at least) as something reasonably radical like taking my wife's name.

I'm just confused and going around in circles now. What have others done?

Male

if she says she is happy to take your name just accept it.

Don't try and think behind it or if she feels differently deep down - sorry but in a great and honest relationship like yours sounds that would drive me crazy if I was her!

why don't you give both names a trial run?
call her Mrs Yourname for a week, then swap and she can call you Mr Hername for a week.

see what happens. if you make it into a fun game you'll make a better decision than if you agonize over it.

hope this helps

I kept my name, dh has kept his, dc have my name.

We're in the opposite situation in that dh's name is the funny one, he didn't really want our dc to have his surname. From a young age I always knew I wouldn't change my name on marriage. People tend to assume I kept my name because of dh's odd surname but that's not the reason.

Personally I'd prefer to double barrel for all of us. For some reason dh's name works when double barrelled with mine but doesn't on it's own. However he objects to double barrelled names in principal! So at his insistence our dc have my name.

It's really not an issue in day to day life tbh. It doesn't draw attention to us, people very rarely comment (once fil got over the shock!)

"Aren't you always having to tell people these are your children" er, no - what a strange thing to think! If I arrive somewhere with my dcs must people will assume they are mine. The constant cries of " mum-eeee" probably help! How many people do you imagine have children without being married?
I imagine, if this is an issue at all, it is an issue for fathers with different names, not mothers. I think maybe you are seeing problems that are not there!

I would go with your name after reading your OP.

Names are very , very important.

OP, with divorce, remarriage, step-parents, etc., it is fairly common these days for children to have a different surname from their mother or from a step-parent functioning fully as a parent.

One thing I can say-no one tends to question family members having different names. There are so many blended families these days, you just aren't that unusual to have family members with different names. So, OP< you have a lot more leeway than you may have realised.

Never had a problem with having a different name at all. No one thinks they aren't your child. You'd be surprised how rarely surnames come up in day-to-day life. I've been with my childminder for eighteen months and she only just realised I have a different surname to DC!

Actually, there is one time it becomes problematic for me, but that's probably because I'm an idiot. DC is known by a short version of her full name, and has DP's surname. At the doctors and similar the whole name gets called out. I'm not used to either hearing the full name or responding to DP/DC's surname, so I have been known to just sit there like a lemon on odd occasions

I am Ms MyName, dh is Mr DhName.

Dd is Ms MyName, ds is Mr DhName.

Dh gets called Mr Myname by dd's after school club. It doesn't bother him. I have been called Mrs DhName before but not often enough for me to remember an example.

Our children are very close, their different names are not a barrier to them being so close (just as it is not a barrier to dh and I being close).

I get called Mrs. Dhname by DH, when he's being saucy.

I have an Icelandic friend, married and have 2 boys and a girl.
the boys have the same surname as each other, but there are four different surnames for the 5 of them!

it's like this:

• she is (let's say) Gerda Annasdottir (as her mum's first name is Anna)
• husband is Peter Jonsson (dad's first name is Jon)
• boys are Johan & Kris Petersson
• girl is Frida Gerdasdottir

I think it's brilliant and no need to ever change anything, ever.

Phew, OK caught up now, I got to the end of page 1 and thought that was the end of the thread, missed the following 4 pages!

To those saying "Funny how it always seems that it's the women with the silly name, and the man with the better name" - this is EXACTLY why I started this thread - I wasn't confidant that my thoughts were based on logic, and having read a bit more I know for a fact that I am being swayed by the societal pressure to confirm to the "norm". I'm glad I have realised this this - and I need to take this thought into the next conversation with my wife.

I also totally get what people say about how many children have different names to their parents these days, what with fewer marriages and blended families etc. I don't think I realised this until you all told me. I think it's clearly a personal decision, and many of you obviously have no problem with having a different name to your children - but I can't deny that personally I would prefer my wife and child and I to have the same name, and I'm sure my wife feels the same way (I'll ask her in a sec!).

Again this is all good information to help us with our conversation.

I'm "myname" DH is "hisname"

We'd have a problem if we wanted children, as I expect we would both staunchly want any offspring to take our own name.

I like the model where female children take the mother's surname and male the father's surname. I also really like the suggestion upthread of finding a surname that appears in both of your family trees. I think that's a quite brilliant suggestion in fact, and one that is good to adopt for both parents and all offspring if you're keen on a single "family name".

OP-having voiced dissatisfaction in the option of the whole family taking your name, it would seem sensible to use one of the alternative solutions. Surely if you have doubts about it now, you will always have an underlying niggle that you just followed the societally convenient option and perhaps wonder if your wife was really as happy about this solution as she has claimed to be. Unless you just posted for validation that the societal norm was OK for you to follow now you've shown that you have considered all options.

I'm my name, dh is his name... bump will be dhname-myname as that way around it sounds better. I was ok for bump to be dhname but he was happy with the double name.

I was happy to take dh's name. I think it us still the norm to take the mans name. His , like your 'bailey' is very normal, whereas my old one was slightly more unusual and a total pain. Being more normal for the kart 10 years has been fab.
The children will have your surname aswell. Which I also think us normal.
And I think double barrelled , combining both names, more common recently, is seriously twatty.

"Unless you just posted for validation that the societal norm was OK for you to follow now you've shown that you have considered all options."

Ha Ha, Busted! (Am I kidding?)

I also love the Icelandic way of doing things.

OP-I nearly didn't write that last line as it seemed quite harsh given your very open and thoughtful posts. But it's worth really considering if that's what you are doing here.

Only you know your motivations, and perhaps some are so subliminal that you aren't fully aware of them.

"And I think double barrelled , combining both names, more common recently, is seriously twatty"

Why?

And even if you do, interesting that you feel the need to say so. I manage to avoid saying that being happy to take a mans's name seems to me to indicate the mind set of an air headed 1950s housewife.......

Usually.

I like the Icelandic way too but I'd go a wee bit further so

Girl - hername, fathersurname, mysurname
Boy - hisname, mysurname, fathersurname

That way we both have our surnames used so family connection is there on both sides but mine doesn't always get relegated to the middle name and never used. The middle name would be just that, not double barrelled with the surname. We all get our own identity and a family one

"To answer the question of what my wife thinks - we have talked about this several times, and never really decided anything. I think she would be happy to take my name, but I worry that deep down she would feel a bit sad she was losing her name. Really its me with the problem, as I don't really like her surname. I definitely have a stronger opinion on not wanting her name, where as she is much more amenable to taking my name - but is this a good enough reason to make the decision? I posted this thread to come up with more ideas to talk to her about."

really?

Do you think you might be trying a little too hard to find a problem where there isn't one? Just ask her if it's ok to all take your name, she might be ok with it.

such a non-problem.

I like it Blistory - the best of Iceland and Spain! :)

Blistory

add a middle name or two then poor kids would spend the entire reception year learning to spell and write their names!

OP you've gone from saying it would be a difficulty if mother and child have different names, to saying you would prefer them to be the same! which I think is the heart of the matter. Do you know why you feel that way, given many on here have told you it causes no problems? Must be some other reason.