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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

"Doesn't she look after you?"

102 replies

BasilBabyEater · 13/10/2013 19:45

This was said by an able-bodied adult male colleague to another able-bodied adult male colleague on the latter's biting into what the former felt was an unsatisfactory item of lunch.

"She" presumably, was the latter's wife.

The expectation being that a fully grown man with a wife who is on maternity leave looking after a toddler and a baby, should be concerning herself with the contents of her husband's lunchbox (lunchbox as in food for work, not as in Linford Christie's etc.)

I ignored the wave of contempt that overcame me and carried on with the report I was working on. Grin

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 14/10/2013 18:55

Darkest eyes, I have no idea why she wouldn't let me do anything. She wouldn't even let me tidy my own room or choose clothes without her approval.
I left home at 16 an absolute liability:) i couldn't change sheets, pillow cases, broke the first washing machine I used - the powder thing was beyond me, didnt know how to load/ unload a dishwaher, clean shoes, take care of anything, what to do with wet washing, how to peg it out...

My dc on the other hand are coming along nicely:)

JoTheHot · 14/10/2013 20:10

Hi Basil

You seem to have grabbed the wrong end of the stick. Deliberately. Again.

People say little jolities all the time without meaning anything much by them. Someone upthread was pmsl, but she probably didn't actually have wee trickling down her leg. It's just social oil to lubricate the passing of time.

It must be exhausting finding offence in the innocuous.

Original poster
BasilBabyEater · 14/10/2013 20:12

Hi Jo

Not as exhausting as it is being a nob. You must be far more tired than I am.

HTH.

Smile
OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 14/10/2013 20:13

Oh lovely. A personal attack. We haven't had one of those for a while.. Hmm

mummytowillow · 14/10/2013 20:15

When my marriage broke up my mum blamed me saying I expected him to do too much.

A man should be a man apparently, no cleaning, cooking, nappies etc Hmm

My ex actually wanted to do those things!

Original poster
BasilBabyEater · 14/10/2013 20:17

But to be serious, I'm not offended by this sort of office banter, just contemptuous. The idea that if it's light-hearted and a joke (of course it was) that makes it all right, seems simple-minded to me.

Thirty years ago, people would argue that racist banter was light-hearted and just a joke, so why would anyone be offended by it?

I wouldn't use racism as a means to bond with my office colleagues because a) I'm not a racist and b) my colleagues would be horrified because they're not racist and c) it's probably a disciplinary offence.

But hey, it would be light-hearted right? So nothing wrong with it, mm?

OP posts:
CaptChaos · 14/10/2013 20:22

Aaaaaand.... back to the lovely lighthearted thread!

There's the other way round though. You know. "She's got you well trained/on a tight leash/ under the thumb. Hur hur hur"

Usually uttered by the intellectually challenged.

I am (according to 'D'M) emasculating DH by 'making' him 'fend for himself' when I'm working late. Apparently, if men cook too often, throw some washing in the machine or empty the dish washer, their dicks actually do fall off. Who knew? Hmm

Coupon · 14/10/2013 20:26

"She's got you well trained/on a tight leash/ under the thumb. Hur hur hur"

I've heard that too. And no, the men concerned weren't intellectually challenged, or from another generation, they were just unpleasant sexist reactionaries.

Lavenderhoney · 14/10/2013 20:28

My dm used to really worry when she called and I said dh had taken ds out to feed the ducks and then go for cake.
She couldn't understand how he would manage:) and how I wasn't consumed with worry. I felt sorry for her. I can't work out if she was just super controlling with df and wouldn't let him near us dc ever, or if he was the disinterested twunt I remember.

And i wasn't doing the ironing in their absence either. I was reading a book:)

Original poster
BasilBabyEater · 14/10/2013 20:28

It's a way of sneering at men who have a good relationship with their female partners isn't it?

OP posts:
CaptChaos · 14/10/2013 20:32

And no, the men concerned weren't intellectually challenged, or from another generation, they were just unpleasant sexist reactionaries.

Good point, well made Smile

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 14/10/2013 20:33

That's really weird about the dicks because I've found the more a man does his share the more sex he gets

YoniTime · 14/10/2013 20:51

Yes Basil, well said.

motherinferior · 14/10/2013 21:59

I feel the urge to say I was literally peeing myself now. Just to annoy Jo.

Disclaimer: I have perfect bladder controlGrin

Original poster
BasilBabyEater · 14/10/2013 22:05

What a show off. Wink

On a mother's site, to boast of bladder control....

Grin
OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 14/10/2013 22:11

Im sorry Secret I didnt realise I hope my post didnt upset you Im with you on his health being his responsibility though.

Hi AF Thanks Ive learnt to shut down from my DM Ive emotionally detached. My coping mechanism.

SecretWitch · 14/10/2013 23:13

Darkest, I am so happy you asked! I have not really spoken to many people about the incident. I was far too shocked and upset that apparently his family regards his health as my primary responsibility. I love the man but I can't fix him.

SinisterSal · 14/10/2013 23:16

That is hard for you secretwitch.

SecretWitch · 14/10/2013 23:30

SinisterSal, it is heartbreaking to see your partner neglecting himself. He knows what must be done to care for himself, he chooses not to. I know it bewilders his family, I just feel like they blame me for not "mummying" him.

Darkesteyes · 15/10/2013 00:29

Secret i get the same thing In 2006 DH had a heart attack Was a bad one...he was hospitalised for over a week.
When he came out i was told in no uncertain terms by my DM that i could NOT leave DHs side under any circumstance.
When i pointed out that i needed to go out to do grocery shopping/pay bills she was stumped. She was simply using DHs illness as a chance to exert control.
Early 2008 i had a severe kidney infection. I collapsed twice at home losing conciousness and DH called an ambulance I was taken to hospital I was concious by that time but very ill.
I phoned DH and asked him to bring in my IBS meds.
When my dad found out about it i got this "Why the hell didnt you remember to take them into hospital with you You know he (DH) is ill. Confused I shit you not!

DHs eating habits arent brilliant pie and chips choc biccies etc He is suppossed to keep an eye on his cholestorol. He has these things but not often. Im not sure whether he should be having them at all but im not his keeper.
If he gets ill again i know who will be getting the blame though And it wont be DH!

Darkesteyes · 15/10/2013 00:30

Secret it must be very hard for you He is making the choice not to care for himself properly Thanks

SecretWitch · 15/10/2013 00:52

Darkest, I am so very sorry to hear you struggle with this same issue. I cannot believe your very own dad would make a comment like that to his hospitalised daughter! I always think this to myself "Who will care for the caretaker?" I have a disability and a few medical concerns of my own but I simply cannot be ill.

I did decide early on in our relationship not to be sucked into a " mothering" role with my dh. It is difficult for me as I think I am a nurturer by nature. I just do want to be responsible for an adults behaviour and decisions. Cause we all know how well that works out!

Thank you for sharing your story with me. You have been so kind Flowers

goodasitgets · 15/10/2013 00:58

You just play to each others strengths surely. My dad is amazing at fiddly stuff like untangling (my million and one) necklaces and buttons sewn by him aren't coming off ever Grin
On the other hand I am female, can't sew for toffee and have no patience for fiddly tasks

Darkesteyes · 15/10/2013 01:23

You too Secret Thanks Cake

NeedlesCuties · 18/10/2013 22:19

I'm taking myself off next month on holiday for 3 days.

Halloween Smile

Usually I'm a SAHM, do 95% of the work with the kids/house and I just thought "fuck it, DH is off for a few days that week, so I'm going." DH was totally happy with it and is helping me plan flights etc.

My parents and in-laws are floored by the mere idea. In fact I've heard that they are going to offer to mind the kids/do tasks etc and I've been told I'm 'deserting them'. Confused DH wouldn't need or want them too, and why would he? They're his kids too and the house is half his as well.

I don't remember any of them helping out when DH has been away for work or on stag weekends. Sexist bastards.