"Doesn't she look after you?"

[BasilBabyEater]

This was said by an able-bodied adult male colleague to another able-bodied adult male colleague on the latter's biting into what the former felt was an unsatisfactory item of lunch.

"She" presumably, was the latter's wife.

The expectation being that a fully grown man with a wife who is on maternity leave looking after a toddler and a baby, should be concerning herself with the contents of her husband's lunchbox (lunchbox as in food for work, not as in Linford Christie's etc.)

I ignored the wave of contempt that overcame me and carried on with the report I was working on.

Tantrum, where do you even start challenging opinions like that? It never fails to amaze me how piggish older men can be. I cannot begin to comprehend how their partners stayed with them long-term. Different expectations I guess.

Booster, you think Tantrum's FIL just not the sharpest tool in the box? That sounds likely.

Dog is a few times a day too
I considered it a fair deal as I don't really mind nappies, surely that's the point. Anyway I'm at home more so the jobs that couldn't wait, nappies, would be better for me and the jobs that can, dog poo and drains (which are about once a week in this sodding house) fit around him being out at work for longer hours.

He does the cars, I do the finances. We both cook, we both do bins. If the jobs equally loved or hated we would both do it but otherwise we divided along our strengths or weaknesses. But yet again I'm being told we're doing it wrong.

It's not wholly generational, though. My dad was born in 1924 to quite 'well to do' parents, but when I was born (his second marriage) he was very hands-on. He worked from home and my mum went out to study and work, so dad did a lot of the child care and housework. When he retired and my mum was still working he took over all of the cooking, shopping and most of the housework. He has only stopped now because his Parkinson's means he is not capable.

I don't really know where he 'got it from' that he held no truck with gender roles, as my grandparents were fairly traditional. The only thing I can think of is that he travelled around the world with his work for many years and was exposed to so many different ways of life that it became obvious to him that there is no one 'right' way of doing things, but that life should be lived in the most logical and practical way.

Traditional gendered roles seem to me to be a very narrow minded way of looking at the world. A bit like religion - the question of "why is it like this?" is answered "because that's just the way it is". It gives people a sense of order without having to think and rationalise too much.

' If the jobs equally loved or hated we would both do it but otherwise we divided along our strengths or weaknesses. But yet again I'm being told we're doing it wrong.'

No, you are doing it exactly how we've functioned for 30 years, so it must be right.

oooh yes Duchesse, poor Tantrums

I don't understand why any woman would want to be with a man that acted like another child. But I know it is common. I have been surprised at friends who appear like they have equal marriages, and then seeing things which makes it clear they haven't.

BadSeedsAddictMon 14-Oct-13 10:43:26

Ex boyfriend's mother was appalled I didn't offer to iron a shirt for him to go to work in instead of sitting chatting to him while he did it himself. I was seventeen and didn't even live with him but apparently was supposed to seamlessly take over his mother's role? Fuck that.

When i was 18 (22 yrs ago) i was dating someone but i was still living at home. One evening my DM told him to bring his washing round and that i/we would do it.

After he left for the evening i told her in no uncertain terms that if he did bring his washing round SHE would be doing it because she was the one offering to.
We had only been dating a few weeks and i was fucking livid because she was giving him the green light to treat me like a doormat.
(turns out it only lasted two months) when it ended DM was more upset than me and she was the one who sat in my room crying and i was pretty pissed off because the reason she was so upset was because she missed out on the chance of me being with a man who could have been very controlling to me (ive heard stuff about him since)

'Sorry, I don't think you're "doing it wrong" , I just think it's a slightly unfair division, and has hints of traditional "female roles" that's all.

It depends on how much you are toeing the Party line and how much you are working on a relationship between two individuals though.
Being given the impression that your choices are not quite up to the required standard is a criticism often levelled at these boards.
I am a feminist, and I've been in a relationship for decades.
But you know what? I love some of that traditional female role shit.
I'm a fabulous cook and very good with child wrangling. So I don't want to have the pleasure I get from those activities diminished by someone being sniffy and making me feel that He Ought To Do 50% of it.
I like it, he doesn't. I hate laundry and ironing and he enjoys it. He hates cars. We shared the dirty nappies as neither of us liked them.
Well, my pleasure in adopting certain female roles isn't diminished because I'm also confident in my choices and have flame-proof knickers.

My children are all potty trained now yet the dog still shits and the drains still keep blocking. I think I've done ok out of it.

My ILs aren't exactly feminist but a) think I'm fab and thus DP had better treat me right, and b) MIL is a crap cook so DP taught himself how to do it, followed by living alone for 10 years so eventually mastered everything else. God forbid I touch his laundry!

My parents would argue for equality, my dad did most stuff as I grew up as mum was disabled, but now she's a lot better and they've settled into the sexist patterns they grew up with - and lots of "aren't you looking after DP?" I point out I look after all the house paperwork and do more of the childcare and we support each other, not look after each other. And DP would whinge if I did his laundry anyway.

Mum was shocked ds age 4 didn't know what an iron was. I told her to feel free to teach him.

Op, he sounds a charmer, your co worker. I hope he is on the coffee rota:)

My dm said that dh would leave me if I didnt cook him a proper dinner every night and she also said the house should be spotless for his return:) I should wear heels and try to please him. Dh was quite offended she thought he was the type of man who thought this was ok.

Weird, as she wouldn't let me anywhere near any white goods before I left home, I could make tea and toast, and that was about it. Never held an iron. She did everything and if I offered would stand over me supervising and fussing.

My mil came to stay after I had ds, but concerned herself only with dh and his needs. We said we would manage ourselves when dd was born.

Of course I look after my husband.

My husband, of course, also looks after me.

My M-I-L would offer to help by doing the ironing - she would iron dh's shirts and the children's stuff but strangely nothing of mine ever made it out of the ironing basket.
I started to make sure that all the ironing done before they came to stay or that there was only my stuff in the basket. She stopped offering.
It's the same when we go down to see them DH is always allowed a quiet break as he must be tired and it is his job that is the important on - which really riles me - I now just grit my teeth and ignore, ignore, ignore.

Lavendar my Dm is EXACTLY the same Wouldnt let me near anything or do anything yet just expected me to know like its in yr DNA or something.
Its like they expect us to do it which is sexist in itself and yet paradoxically want us to fail at it almost so they have someone they can feel superior to.

My SIL gave me the business last year about my husband's weight and health. He is a poorly controlled diabetic due to his choices in food and unwillingness to follow all his meds directions. He has been very well educated by his physician. He is suffering several complications of his disease. I have spoken to him on many occasions about my concerns. I try to encourage a healthy lifestyle. He has made the decision to not care for himself.
I simply told my SIL I was not in charge of her brother's choices. She told me he was my responsibility. I walked out of her home and did not return for 6 months.

And ditto the hovering over me and fussing as well

Good for you Secret The walking out i mean.

Is this likely to come back and bite her on the arse when it comes to her caring for your DHs and her parents???

Darkesteyes, my MIL is very ill with breast cancer. I believe my SIL is so upset about my husband because their father died at age 49 from a massive stroke. He was also a noncompliant diabetic. I really do understand why she is distraught, I feel the same. Dh and I have a very small daughter. She adores him. I do not want to ever have to tell her Daddy got sick and is not coming back.

Darkest, your mother sounds like a fucking piece of work in many ways.