"Doesn't she look after you?"

[BasilBabyEater]

This was said by an able-bodied adult male colleague to another able-bodied adult male colleague on the latter's biting into what the former felt was an unsatisfactory item of lunch.

"She" presumably, was the latter's wife.

The expectation being that a fully grown man with a wife who is on maternity leave looking after a toddler and a baby, should be concerning herself with the contents of her husband's lunchbox (lunchbox as in food for work, not as in Linford Christie's etc.)

I ignored the wave of contempt that overcame me and carried on with the report I was working on.

Just look at all the threads on here that 'men don't like shopping', as if it's a woman's job to sort out all his clothing needs.

It would be an entirely different meaning if the tone was sarcastic.

Yesterday, DS wandered in to me holding a shirt in one hand and a button in the other.
'Can you sew this back on for me?'
To which I said 'Hands up everyone here with a Textiles GCSE B grade'

He put his hand up and went off to the sewing kit box.

I have always responded with a smile and mild disbelief, sometimes backed up with 'I married a grown up' or 'This is why you should never take a partner straight from his mother' depending on the audience. There are very few logical reasons why an able adult cannot do the same tasks as another able adult.

It was rather lovely to see an exchange on FB the other day between my DH, his (male) manager and a friend of the manager. DH and his manager have a bit of a competitive bake-off thing going on after the manager instigated a custom to bring in some sort of goodies to their team meetings. Manager posted on FB a picture of the things he had baked to take into work the next day and a friend of his commented saying that it was a "yellow card offence" that manager did not get his wife to do the baking. Seeing DH and the manager (who are both in some ways quite 'macho' guys) swiftly putting down the idea that baking is demeaning women's work was quite entertaining and very refreshing for once.

He'd let his children go hungry rather than feed them because it's not his job?
He is an arse, and a poor specimen of both partner and parent.

I do think that the more this attitude is facilitated and tolerated, the less likely to change and I have no idea why women put up with this ridiculousness. Just why would you accept that something is your job because you are female? Or male? Regardless of talent, availability or logic?
Is this what you teach your children of both sexes?

How can he be a good father if his children are hungry and he doesn't feed them?
That doesn't make sense.

No, sonly, he is not a "good father" if he promotes such damaging gender stereotypes for his children. Kids are emotional sponges, they will be absorbing lessons such as "men are in charge and childcare/chores is beneath them"

Throwaway comments are often the most revealing < shrug >

My DM is shocking for this kind of thing. She doesn't know whether to disapprove of my scandalous behaviour or applaud my genius in marrying a man who can and does cook, clean, iron and look after his DC.

When my ds1 was small I used to get together with another mum with a small boy. DH came in from work once, and, smelling ds1, whisked him off to change him(i was too busy drinking coffee!)
Friend was aghast! 'Is he really going to change his nappy? My dp wouldn't know how!'
I was gobsmacked.

I've seen happy and long-term relationships where the roles are split along gender lines, sometimes for convenience and sometimes cultural. It works, there is mutual respect and appreciation.
But if one partner was ill, absent for whatever reason or not able to do their bit, the other one would step up without a second thought.
Bacon and nutella sandwiches might not have been my SIL's choice of emergency supper, and her children were wearing a random selection of nightwear but when she got back from a family emergency, the children were fed, bathed and had a story from their father, after his 6am start and a day at work.
To not be able to go out, leave your OH with the children (or on his own) and know that they'd be OK despite you not being there is not good. Likewise if you couldn't be absent without leaving prepared meals and ironed clothing and the rest.

My grandad was utterly lost after my grandma died. He only knew how to make bacon sandwiches, toast and a fried egg. But this was a different generation - adults nowadays should know how to cook, clean earn and handle finances.

I have lost count of the number of threads here when mumsnetters (more often than not SAHMs) don't have a clue how much their DHs earns or how to pay a bill.

Am at the anecdotes above. DH and I are of old gimmer age but he would be aghast at Dads who don't get a meal for the kids, don't change a nappy or want someone else to sew on a button for them. It's been even-stevens for us ever since we married.

But to play devil's advocate for a moment...I take it that being grown up and equal and all that works the other way round too e.g. you don't wait for him to change the wheel on your car when you have a puncture or put the bins out or mow the lawn do you?

Even doesn't means all doing the same though
In our house I change nappies (or did) dh cleans out drains and cleans up after the dog. Nappies make dh retch, drains make me shudder. I would do the other if needed as would he but I feel it's a fair division of labour even if we're not doing exactly the same. Yet people would make judgements if I said dh never does nappies.

Whoever remembers puts the bins out, whoever gets a puncture changes the tyre but i don't mow the lawn last time i did i mowed over the cable

I pay the bills, DH does most of the cooking
I tile/grout/sand and hammer, DH is a dab hand with a sewing needle.

We try to play to our strengths rather than define jobs by gender, tbh the pink job/ blue job mentality would lead to mass confusion in out house and fuck all would get done properly

On my wedding day my mother told several of my friends that she won't be surprised when dh and I divorce because I don't do his ironing.

She is also disgusted that I have a dishwasher and refuse to cook every night. After all, I am at home all day. She conveniently ignores the fact I work from home doing the same hours dh does over 4 days instead of 5.

PMSL at the idea of Mr Inferior being 'mothered' by his female colleagues.

Especially not his boss

Same as you Booster.
OH hates supermarkets, so I do the shopping. I hate ironing, he hasn't got a clue about the car including how to drive it. He likes polishing furniture and cleaning the oven.
Last time I cut the hedge, I severed the washing line. Twice. DS has taken over the powertools in the garden bit.
But if necessary, none of us would leave a job undone because the one who always did it wasn't there.

My FIL told me that my "little job" was not as important as DHs and I should make sure I am at home when he gets in, so I can make him a cup of tea and ask how his day went.

He was horrified that DH did the school pick up. Even though he finishes work first. Because apparently it is "not the mans job"

And he actually went purple in the face one Sunday, they had been over for dinner, and DH said "right, I've got my film on sky, I am going upstairs to do the ironing"
He kept saying "but, but I don't understand. Why is DH doing his own ironing?"
I pointed out that not only was he ironing his own work stuff, he was also ironing the DCs school uniform and my work clothes.
Dear god, he was horrified. He kept saying "but why is DH doing it? It's not a mans job is it?"

DH tried to explain that in our house, there are not man and woman jobs. That we both work full time, parent out DCs together and share the running of the house.
He was horrified. He kept saying "what else do you do then? What else has she got you doing? Cleaning, cooking, washing?"
DH said yes to all the above.

Cue FIL stating that clearly there was something wrong with me, I did not know how to be a wife!

My inlaws were like that, but they got married in the 2WW, so I treated their opinions as social history. OH had been at uni for a decade or more, living independently before we linked up, so he didn't think like that.

I did not know how to be a wife!

Try to take on the qualities of a doormat and you might be getting close to his idea of a wife.

Your FIL sounds like there is a lot he doesn't understand