Small things that make you angry and you feel you can't mention elsewhere

[MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik]

I was thinking that maybe we need one of those threads that reminds us we all have much more in common with each other, than any of us does with the misogynistic bigots.

I don't know what the feministy equivalent of 'first world problem' is, but I bet there are loads of things you've been itching to point out annoy you, but don't start an AIBU about, or don't moan to your colleague/DH/mates about because it feels insignificant.

Maybe we can all have a good moan here - and maybe back each other up that these things typically aren't so small and insignificant really!

I will go first. I noticed the other day how, when I'm walking down a pavement, I automatically move to the side out of the way of busy men striding along with briefcases. Even when I'm busy. Why do I do that? And how come I feel rude - and do get funny looks - when I don't do that?

Doctrine, if you're feeling very disheartened about the state of the world for women right now, then yes, I am!

Just saw your post, stromba, and wanted to say congratulations on getting published! Don't let your dad's attitude get to you ... it is your name.

bling - that's really depressing.

It is depressing. Website after website doesn't have a single woman except in finance/admin.

The way some men drive. Sitting on your tail, flashing at you to move the fuck over when you haven't quite finished overtaking a lorry on the motorway, driving too fast and endangering others, etc.

It is the road equivalent of the splayed legs on public transport.

Oh and I get the rage by these men who stop by the side of the road and take a piss in full view of others. I don't want to see a man holding his penis as I am driving about. And I really don't want my female children having to see some random guy shake his drips off.

Re splayed legs. That reminds me. This really is a little thing, but it bugs me. It's men on the tube taking up all the arm rests, both of them, and hanging over on to your side. And also random men talking to you at odd times eg bus stop at night, late dog walk, and when you make it clear you want them to stop, like a firm goodnight, or failure to respond in the way they want, it's all "hey I'm only being friendly, what's the matter with you, I'm just being nice". I want to punch them.

And men who pretend to be all New Man ish but are in fact still completely neantherthal and have just brought it into a new zone, being very controlling about childcare and calpol and telling you how to bring up your children.

And men who are supposedly all feminist but in reality just think they know what women want and need.

Re: names and brothers - my brother has thought about using his DP's name because it is easier to spell and harder to ridicule than ours, but is worried that our dad will take it personally and get all upset.

I also get a bit grimmed out by men pissing in car parks and at the side of the road. Either hang on, or if you're really desperate, go behind a bush or hedge.
99% of the street spitters I see are men, too. I swear it's like dogs marking their territory.

I work with a lot of women and a few men and we are all used to that dynamic.
Every time men from companies with much fewer women come in for meetings, the dynamic pisses me off.

Yesterday 3 men came in for a meeting. One of them I have only met once and never dealt with directly - he had clearly forgotten me (I don't care I only say that to show we are not friends). I popped out of the room to gather things / people before the meeting started and he was in my notebook when I got back! He said "Is this yours? Can you spare me a few sheets of paper?" I said I would get him his own notebook, came back with one and he said "you're an angel".

Am I paranoid? can you imagine a man tearing sheets out of - even opening - another, external man's notebook? what about calling him "angel"?

I am nearly 42 and a director. If that makes any difference.

Also the man at the train station bludgeoning me to say "good morning" pisses me off but I suspect that is unreasonable (he does not literally bludgeon of course that would be taking it too far)

crumbledwalnuts you are so right

Well, I have a new one. And it's double-layered.

I was chatting to a mate who is a great feminist about a mutual friend, in the context of difficulties around childcare/gender roles. I mentioned that I got the impression this woman's husband was honestly not very nice. My mate immediately said no, he was in many ways a lovely person.

But ...

Wel yes, it was true (as I'd said) that he did about 10% of the childcare because she could do the other 90%, since she was 'only' studying full-time.

smallclanger - yeah, I know what you mean. I think it's because men's bits in public are just kind of rude, whereas women's bits are sexualized. So it's seen (by some) as no more rude to piss in public than to push in in a queue.

I have to deal with a lot of invitations for my work. It's amazing how many organisations still think it's ok to put up an all male panel. I must say, I grit my teeth about those with one woman, but the all men ones go straight in the bin. My logic is that if the organisers are so clueless as not to notice an obvious flaw like that, what's the value of the event going to be?

I think I love you a bit.

Elephant, I know I love you a bit. That's bloody brilliant.

I had never even thought about the men talking to me when out and about. It's so true. They always talk to women, and if we don't want to chat, we're rude and unfriendly. Arrgh, I hate it when these kind of things have passed me by.

Although having said that, noticing all these little things is making popular culture hard for me. I saw the trailer for some new super hero movie and it starts with a girl (teenager) beating up a boy and she says, "Oh stop crying like a little girl" and then "take out your tampon." So even the kick ass girl is using language to suggest that girls are weak and pathetic.

that makes me want to weep.

I have been doing some interesting experiments the last few days which have been making me grind my teeth a bit. When I walk to the station, there is a long straight stretch of road, which is quite busy. Recently, I have been heading to the station as others are heading home so I've been going against the flow a bit, although there are usually a fair number of others heading in the same direction as me. I noticed that when I have to pass women on the pavement, it is roughly 50/50 who moves over for the other one. However, with the men, it was always me.

So I decided to stop moving over for the men to see what happened. Very often they will keep coming at me until we are almost touching, before moving over. Several men have also huffed at me when going past. I have been very careful to not make eye contact or act in a way that demonstrates that I am doing it on purpose, and I think all the huffing and not moving over is completely subconscious on the part of the men who have been doing it.

I know it is a small thing really, but I wonder how much quicker and easier men's journeys on foot are if women always move aside for them? It is a good example of subconscious privilege. It is also really hard for me to fight the urge to just move over when a bloke is striding towards me and expecting me to do so!

I went to a playground in a fairly posh bit of town today. It is the sort where there is a fenced area with the little kids equipment, so mostly 5 and under in there.

God, it was like gender conditioning and stereotyping 101. In an hour I heard:

• Don't hit her, little girls don't like it;
• Girl who panicked at the top of a climbing frame being told that yes it was a bit scary and would she like a lift down whilst same age male friend was being told it wasn't scary and he could do it because he was really strong;
• Pregnant woman with a girl saying that if the new baby was a boy they'd stop at 2, but if it wasn't then they would try again;
• Friend of pregnant woman claiming girls had high pitched screams compared to boys but boys were more physical (all the children were under 2- I heard their ages mentioned);
• In the context of DD2's fierce independence, woman saying her two were the same but she thought it was a girl thing (older one a boy). Er, no, it's a second-child-with-someone-to-copy thing, and personality;

-Mother saying boys were so much more emotionally straightforward (part of the group where all the kids were under two).

It made me want to whack my head repeatedly against the railings.

Bling - Did you see my post about Liverpool FC of all people recognising the offensiveness of those type of phrases. Along with racist and disabilist language, etc, things like 'played like a girl' are in their new guidance.

Amanda - no I didn't. That's excellent.

Here. I was quite impressed.

Elephants, do you tell the no-woman-panel organisations that this is unacceptable?

I don't think you owe them anything, but

• if you did, then they would know better, would that be good?
• but would there be any sort of comeback from sour grapes eejits arguing that you are being "discriminatory"?

(not sure what you do and what sort of legal or other constraints apply)

peonies, well done on your walking-along experiment

I am being a bit weird about all this at the moment because, well, full disclaimer, I am having a sort of bi-annual nervous breakdown (seriously I have to change my life), but I am engaged in a horrible battle with dp who I believe (but am probably paranoid) is obstructive and belittling whenever I ask him to do something, but is completely relaxed and natural about asking me to do things and do them his way. I hypothesise that:

I am oversensitive because I am exhausted and am only being asked to do things in the normal way and having my own wishes negotiated or questioned normally, but it feels unbearably exhausting because I am exhausted;

or

there is an imbalance, and it is an unconscious man-expecting-woman-to-fit-in-with-his-wishes thing

or

there is an imbalance and it is an unconscious older-sibling-conditioning thing

or

I am really controlling and cannot deal with normal give and take

or

any or all of the above

I just wish there was a big Tanya Byron in the sky for adults who could beam down her verdict on who is being a pathetic git and terribly unfair. but a feminist one

I'm coming up to 9 months pregnant and since I started showing the number of young men who stop me in the woods to talk when I'm with my dog has dramatically decreased. My fetus has given me almost complete immunity, it's like these men can't even see me anymore.

I was with a non-pregnant female friend the other day walking our dogs in Epping Forest and a male dog walker came over, butted into our conversation and started asking her about her dog and where else she walks, all while not-so-subtly eyeing up her boobs.

Although the same man had done the same thing to me a few times last year, me and my big baby belly were miraculously invisible on this occasion. It was as if my friend was standing there completely on her own in the forest. Even when he said that he hoped to bump into her again and goodbye he didn't even look at me once.

I'm glad I haven't had to deal with these kind of creeps over the past few months. That incident reminded me how they seem to think that as you're out of the house without a man or child (or obvious fetus in your belly) then you are fair game and just walking around waiting for them to come and slime onto you.

I had my car MOT'd today. I was told that my tyres were OK but will need replacing in the winter so "ask dp to keep an eye on them for you." Surely I can look at tyres myself????

I realised another territory/taking up space thing today:
one man who comes in our department at work (most of our department is a restricted area, we don't get lots of passing people), always makes a point of knocking on my work bench as he walks past. Sometimes he will speak, often he won't. This morning he did it while I had my head in my microscope, trying to concentrate. He shouldn't even be in my room, but it functions as a short-cut.

I have seen men doing this before. I have never, ever seen a woman pointlessly banging on someone's workspace to distract them for no reason.

Coo, I would want to knock on his head!

Just got called a 'good girl' by a train conductor. I just sat there gawping until the lady opposite me asked if she'd just heard right and burst out laughing. At least it wasn't just me!