Small things that make you angry and you feel you can't mention elsewhere

[MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik]

I was thinking that maybe we need one of those threads that reminds us we all have much more in common with each other, than any of us does with the misogynistic bigots.

I don't know what the feministy equivalent of 'first world problem' is, but I bet there are loads of things you've been itching to point out annoy you, but don't start an AIBU about, or don't moan to your colleague/DH/mates about because it feels insignificant.

Maybe we can all have a good moan here - and maybe back each other up that these things typically aren't so small and insignificant really!

I will go first. I noticed the other day how, when I'm walking down a pavement, I automatically move to the side out of the way of busy men striding along with briefcases. Even when I'm busy. Why do I do that? And how come I feel rude - and do get funny looks - when I don't do that?

On a related note. I can't remember who it was, but I was recently very happy to see just Ms and Mr on a dropdown menu.

YY to the vegetarian/frothy coffee going to me and my male DP getting meat/expresso.

Also had this with the hotness of food - I like extra chillis etc, he doesn't, but that's the one they hand to him (although I suppose that might be connected with that macho thing of eating hot curry). Still quite telling though.

I really hate it when there is no Ms option on forms.

I hate having to use any title at all, and it's even rarer that there's the option of no title.

Mind you, I found it odd the other day when dealing with a supplier, and on being contacted by their call centre in Romania, I was addressed as Mrs Bearhug. That's not me! That's my mother! I've sort of got used to be Frau Bearhug when I visit German, and I do agree that actually having a single title for all adult women is more sensible than the mess we have, but I don't feel like Mrs Bearhug at all.

And I'd still prefer not to use any title at all.

A friend from the US visited me recently - she told me that at her place of work, women have to wear skirts/dresses and 'hosiery'
She would get fired if she turned up to work in trousers. I was aghast.

They were good at the steak house we went to last night. I ordered offal as a starter and DP ordered something veggie and they got it right. They also put the bill in front of me when I asked for it and presented the card machine to me.

I always pay in restaurants because DP has never gotten around to activating his card for the joint account. I never noticed until he pointed it out to me that most waiters and waitresses try to offer the card machine to him despite the fact that I'm normally the one to ask for the bill because DP is shyer than me. It's only the very good waiters and waitresses that get it right.

Looking for a new job at present, got sent a company website to look at, all the faces are male...

NHS EU health insurance cards...

I filled in the online form. I filled in DH as additional partner. I filled in our DCs as dependants.

I received my card and wondered why nobody else's had arrived, I mentioned it to DH as I was about to chase them up.

They had arrived, but other three sent directly to DH.

I'm going to write to them...

Although I'm not sure this falls into the category of "can't talk about in rl" because I tend to do it anyway.... the number of my friends who have to pull out of planned evening activities because their DH suddenly can't get home in time to look after the DC. Last minute, or a day or two ahead, he suddenly announces he has to work (bad) or that he'd made plans but forgot to tell DW (worse). It drives me absolutely bonkers and its endemic.

What an excellent thread, I need to read it properly

There is a (lovely) older man at work, who once complimented me on something I was wearing. Now he often "jokily" remarks "where's your blue skirt today?" etc. I know he's not being rude, he's trying to be nice, but it makes me feel really self-conscious and that my personality/abilities is coming second to my appearance or presentation. Does that make any sense?

Ohhh ... yes, that totally makes sense.

It's difficult. I think for me the problem is, it implies that he think 'how can I get woman-appropriate small-talk? Oh yes, I'll keep talking about clothes, women like clothes and enjoy being told they're pretty'. He probably intends it nicely but there's no way he'd be saying to a bloke 'where's that lovely tie you had last week then?' - unless it were a pisstake.

"The farmers' in his den"
"The farmer wants a wife"
"The wife wants a child"

(That song makes me cross)

... I suppose at least now that song doesn't imply that the farmer is a man?

Thanks LRD x

Exhaust - I mutter my own subversive lyrics to wheels on the bus too, courtesy of some previous thread on here. My mummies on the bus discuss astrophysics

Getyoursocks off: YES.

There are so many. I'm not the toughest feminist in the world, and I often warp and weave for an easy life, but so many times a day I find myself thinking God, men are nobs. I know it's a generalisation, and I would be so offended if anyone made a similar generalisation about women, but I'm fed up of men being weird about being told what to do at work by a woman, or having to be validated and needing a "win" in all sorts of social situations.

Bling my dp tried that with me a couple of weeks ago. He was told in no uncertain terms that I was going out and he absolutely MUST be home in time to look after dd2 (dd1 is old enough to be left on her own, but not old enough to look after dd2 as well) or he would be in deep shit. He took a taxi home rather than walking, and arrived just in time to have dd2 handed to him as I walked out the door. He won't be trying that one again.
But yes, loads of my friends cancel plans at the last minute because their dhs suddenly have to work.

Exhaust that song makes me cross too, especially because I work in a farming community and that's what the kids seem to aspire to. They are all brought up to think men are farmers and women are farmers' wives who do all the childcare. My farmer wants a husband when I sing it

Coming back to names, I chose to change my name to DH's. Not because he wanted me to, or because it was expected of me, I did it because I grew up being teased for my name and I quite like DH's (now my) name.

I considered double-barrelling our names but it would have been W....-R..... which would have been very difficult for me to say with my slight rhotacism. Ws on their own are (mostly) fine, Rs on their own are ok, but if I have to say a W and an R in succession it just doesn't work! I like to have a name I can actually say...

I did get very offended by some posts I saw on a forum where women were saying that people who say they choose to take their husband's name are sillly, deluded and lying to themselves. Apparently I didn't really want or choose to change my name, I only think I did because that's what the patriarchy has forced me to believe. Insulting my free choices and my intelligence. So much for the sisterhood

I would change my name when I marry DP other than I'm about to be published in my current name so I'm stuck with my current name academically. My reasons for wanting to change are:

1. I'm estranged from my father and don't like the idea of my achievements reflecting well on him. I got to where I am despite him and it galls me that I will soon me Dr MyFathersName. I've actually been thinking about changing my surname for years but never figured out what to change it to.

2. I've got a fairly standard Irish name which everyone knows but nobody in this country hears correctly so I've had to get into the habit of saying my name and then spelling it out. DP's name is much easier - everyone get's it straight away.

3. Difficulties of having a different name from your other half. Things like when you set up a redirect through Royal Mail you pay by surname so if DP and I had the same surname we'd only pay £40 for a year of redirect but if we have different ones we pay £80.

If I liked my name I might have tried to get DP to take mine on marriage and he might have agreed given I'm in academia and name is everything.

Queen, won't you see yourself as Dr YourName? It is your name, you share it with someone you don't like but hopefully also with people you do (mum, siblings, cousins?)

On that basis, maybe DP taking your name is a bit easier to contemplate?

If you took DP's name, would you see it as taking your FIL's name?

I changed mine when DD came along, but for similar reasons to Pixie. My original surname is really easy to take the piss out of, and I was sick of spelling it out, pronouncing it for people and then having them say it so it sounds like a rude word. I would never even have suggested inflicting it upon DD, so we all use DH's family name, which I also think of as MIL's name, as I never knew FIL.

It is nicer than mine, and my initials stayed the same, which felt appropriate.

It's the fact that I know my father will see my accomplishment as his that makes me hate the name - he really is that misogynistic. It will be hisname et al on all of the papers as far as he's concerned. I've actually just had a bit of a cry because I've realised that I really am stuck with his name now. I always assumed that I'd pick a new surname before I published and then I met my DP and it seemed strange to change my name to something other than his and I'm kind of stuck with it now.

That's
But it is your accomplishment, not his. Him "claiming" it is as ridiculous as me claiming it or Santa claiming it.

And congratulations on being published

Right now I'm just fed up of everything.

Men in office trying to surreptitiously make themselves more important, and then accusing the women who call them on it as being a little silly and paranoid. Happening in my office right now and it is driving me barmy.

And then there's the man I know who is actively trying to get his DP to have a baby, and being manipulative with it by making a bit song and dance about how great he is with children... but this same man, who works three shifts a week has said he'll be too tired on his off days to do childcare.

And frankly, the name thing... so many women saying, "I changed my name because I didn't like my old name" or whatever, but you never hear men say that. And those of you who had such awful names, did your brothers then take their wives' names when they got married? I doubt it somehow.

I've been reading a lot of blog posts and commentary articles about feminism recently and while on the plus side, we're seeing a lot more mainstream coverage of the issues, I am feeling so down about the relentless pervasiveness of it. And the arguments people make. "Rape threats on twitter are not real, stop getting your knickers in a twist" for example. HOw have we come to this. As for racism vs sexism, here's the core difference - men and women being held back because of their skin colour was visible, legal and endemic. So as it became illegal, the less visible things were forced to change too. Not the same with sexism. There's no law against a woman making it to the top, so it's easy for lots of people, men and women, to say, "Oh, don't be silly. It's all in your head."

It depresses me.

One more thing that's getting me down currently is my job search. I've been looking for a new job. And without fail, every single company I look at for a job in my field (financial services) the board and management team are overwhelmingly men. Usually white and middle aged. It's do dispiriting. I always thought that sure, the company I work for is very men focused at the top, but surely other companies are better? Apparently not.

Bling, are you me?!