If your self esteem is a bit shit, how do you bring up your children to be different?

[weightofresponsibility]

That's it really. I'm watching the documentary about the sex gangs and thinking that the victims may have been even more vulnerable due to low self esteem. I know in my early teens I was pathetically grateful for any male attention.

I have a DD and I need her to believe in herself and how much she's a valuable and precious person. Ditto my son of course although I guess men are less likely to fall victim to this sort of thing.

:(

Complete carbon copy of them, particularly my mum. This terrifies me as it seems like I'm doomed to create kids who are as miserable as I am. (Bad pregnancy panic day!)

Just read the OP and skimmed and will go back and read properly in a bit.

But the OP post was specific IRT the being vulnerable to sexual abuse thing.

When it comes to self confidence there is a whole host of stuff and stories on here and I would have some and frankly many teens are that way - hormones society spots you name it, it's a difficult time.

But to address the sexual vulnerability thing. I have thought about this a lot (I have 2 DDs) and as well as trying to instil confidence as discussed. I think:

• it is important to teach children especially girls (who are generally socialised to be passive) that it is OK to say no / to move away from someone / to not talk to someone if you don't want to talk to them. We drum in politeness at all times but that can of course be counter-productive
• so eg on a bus a man touches you on the thigh, you can just get up and walk away, that is not rude. If you are uncomfortable then that is fine to do what you want and not what you feel you should. In terms of being polite, that sort of thing
• sex educations respect etc you know the stuff
• that you will listen and love them no matter what
• that if they can't tell you something who they can talk to
• .... that stuff?

I have to admit my kids are young so a lot of this is academic, but I have thought about it.

Many many teens are vulnerable though just because they are young and eager and want acceptance and want to get out there and do stuff and, well, there's no guarantee, you know?

Hmm

That wasn't entirely comprehensible

May try again tomorrow

I got it, Nice. All good points. That book about the power of fear might be a good one for teens - if someone has made you uncomfortable by eg getting in your personal space, you owe them no politeness, they've already been rude.

It's interesting to consider the politeness thing. I'm very polite, and very strict about politeness with my DC. But I'm also terrible about conflict, cry rather than assert myself, apologise unnecessarily and people-please excessively.

I suspect I'm teaching my children to be just the same. :(

weightofresponsibility I think, IME, that is a pretty standard way to be, especially for women, in the UK, or at least in the part of england that I'm from. Sure, there are assertive people around, but generally it is considered extremely important to be polite, and for children especially and to do what adults tell you, and of course girls are socialised generally to be pretty passive. So don't think it is just you, it's everywhere.

I had a plan to try some role playing with the DDs when they get bigger - my idea was that if they have had practice at saying No thank you and walking away, or just walking away, then they will find it easier IRL? I know that when blokes did weird stuff at me, right into my 20s, I would just pretend it wasn't happening as to do anything else would be rude and might draw attention to me.

Like I say this is all academic, they are small yet.

The other thing I think, and I know it is a difficult thing, and the reason why rape myths etc exist. But sometimes shit happens, and it just does. Wrong place wrong time through no fault of your own. Which is where I have a nothing will happen but if it does hopefully they wil feel they can tell someone even if it's not me.

It is horrible thinking about this stuff though.

Oh and also porn my intention is to tell them that it's not a representation of "real" sex, and that people should only do stuff because they want to and it makes them feel good. Again, how this plan will actually work out when I have a recalcitrant pre teen on my hands is anyone's guess

It's difficult isn't it - I don't want my daughter thinking she has to wear makeup or fancy clothes to be beautiful but she watches me do my hair or put makeup on and she is bound to pick up that this is something 'good' to do. I'm also ultra aware about food and diet and never talk about my or other people's weight at all - my mum and dad are both very weight conscious and as a result always feel like I'll be a bit of a disappointment for not being the size I was pre-dc (although they are lovely and would never say anything negative to me).