If your self esteem is a bit shit, how do you bring up your children to be different?

[weightofresponsibility]

That's it really. I'm watching the documentary about the sex gangs and thinking that the victims may have been even more vulnerable due to low self esteem. I know in my early teens I was pathetically grateful for any male attention.

I have a DD and I need her to believe in herself and how much she's a valuable and precious person. Ditto my son of course although I guess men are less likely to fall victim to this sort of thing.

:(

Its quite staggering how many mothers really f* up their daughters. Mine included.
If I told her this she would be mortified probably,
I've noticed she is self absorbed and constantly reminices on how good looking she was in equal measure and constantly comments on my weight.
unfortunately she's done this so much when she says anything nice I just assume its disingenuous and she wants something.

Agree that self modelling is really important. To acknowledge when you have achieved something tricky. Also teach them how to fail, that it is not the end of the world. Hmm how can I handle that better next time?

And don`t dismiss their opinions and worries so they learn to listen to their own feelings.

Yes, good point purplething about teaching them it is ok to fail.

I think showing your children lots of love in a general way has got to help. So, spending time with them doing things you and they enjoy. Watching films together and cuddling up. Listening to their feelings so they feel important. Including them in your life and giving them plenty of opportunities to grow and have friendships without you.

Most importantly I think is to never take your anger out on your children (or anyone else!), but if you have, then to apologise.

For kids with low self-esteem, physical social activities can help a lot, things like drama clubs, martial arts, ballet and dance classes.

Mine are fabulously confident dcs so far, and really good at dance : )

I think none of us probably make the mistakes our parents did - we make a whole lot of different ones instead. Be interesting to talk to your DCs in 20 or 30 years' time

Not trying to derail..just giving a granny's perspective

I agree grimble. But you've still got to try! There's no such thing as a perfect parent, and probably any who think they are perfect are likely to be dreadful.

Yes of course you have anicenewname. I do agree. But none of us really knows until many years later how good a parent we have been - if in fact we ever do.

As long as we are a good enough parent that's probably the best we can hope for

Marking my place, very interesting topic.

As a daughter of a mother with zero self esteem, I find myself being the opposite! I'm assertive, and almost too confident. My mother is excellent and it was her installing a sense of how great I am that made me like this, but also I made myself like this so that I could 'protect' her and make sure no one could hurt us.
As an adult its upsetting seeing her constantly bullied and belittled and hating every aspect of her appearance. It makes me angry/sad/frustrated and there's nothing I can do to help her.

So I think your children will be perfectly fine, but you should do something to raise your self esteem. (Working with the general public is good- makes you see how shit most people are and therefore how excellent you are in comparison!)

Some people may disagree but good male role models are extremely important.

Would you like to expand on how male role models can help ensure the children for whom they are role modelling can develop good self-esteem instead of just popping in to remind us all that we should be talking about men Arsenal?

This comment struck me: "
"I am realising that I need to model good self-worth to my DCs for them to take it on for themselves."

I think that's really true. We know it's true in other contexts - children learn from what we do not what we say and it seems reasonable to assume it's true in this context too.

It's worth bearing in mind that just because many women are brought up to have low self esteem (as are many men) that doesn't mean we're stuck with it - we can take steps to make sure our self-esteem rises. Counselling, reading, talking to our friends, working things out on MN and in RL are all incredibly helpful in ensuring that we can reject the narratives our upbringing left us with and give our children better ones.

I can only really remember my mum telling me she loved me once - when I was about 17
I don't doubt that she does love me - she's just not very good at saying it (although to giver her due, she does tell her grandchildren 'smile])

I tell mine that I love them several times a day - I'm pretty sure that goes some way in helping their self eseteem

Very interesting topic.

I have terrible self-esteem stemming from my mother being critical, controlling, and narcissistic throughout my childhood.

I am ttc at the moment and my biggest fear is that I make the same mistakes she did.

I'm going to be taking notes from this thread

My mother praised me a fair bit and both parents were affectionate and vocal with 'I love yous'. But father was quite impatient, shouty and critical and mother quite arrogant about her parenting skills being superior to his, further negating his self esteem. I am not trying to boast but all of my siblings and myself are attractive, intelligent, warm people. We all have terrible self esteem and have made poor life choices.

My mother thinks all you have to do is love your children... I say the majority of parents do love their children. You must show that love, over and over and over again. Your children must feel that they are important to you, more important than anything else (within reason). I think that time with them is the biggest way of showing this. Words are easy but actions will determine the outcome. I am more sure of my damaged father's love for me through his actions than my mother's - she still talks the talk but doesn't always walk the walk. Hard to trust - which brings me to my final point - your children must be able to trust you - so your words must match your actions. I was desperate for male approval - my mother modelled this and my father didn't give me much time or positive attention. I know I was loved, but it is so easy to neglect your children. Involve them and be involved with them. Listen to them. Know what is important to them. Have time for them. Approve of them. Be pleased with them. And work hard on your own issues.

This thread has been a kick in the arse for me. I have to do better and stop feeling sorry for myself.

I am teaching dd that she can do anything and nothing is off limits by being a girl and to do things for herself.

I think Apileofballyhoo also has a very good point: one of the best ways for building children's self-esteem is to spend time with them and enjoy spending that time with them - they need to know they're enjoyable people to spend time with.

I need to get off Mumsnet and enjoy spending time with my DC's.

Basil Most self esteem problems are generally linked to either Lack of confidence in your abilities or Lack of confidence in dealing with the opposite sex.
Sometimes its both but in most of the times, one of the above is the primary driver for lack of self esteem.

Hence good male role models are important to young girls. They teach them how to deal with the opposite sex ie. teach subtle signs that differentiate guys with good and guys with bad intentions.

I think that how their peers respond to them plays a huge part in this- I had very low self esteem, but had no doubt that my parents thought I was wonderful. I thought that they had to, as they were my parents, but that they were obviously wrong, as I struggled to make friends, and was never fancied. In retrospect, neither of my parents are terribly sociable, and maybe I never learned how to make myself appealing as a result. I don't mean sexually, but socially, I was never, and am still not someone that people warm to immediately. So, I would say, teaching social skills, and installing positive attitudes is fairly important, otherwise all that confidence boosting will be undone the minute they start school!

"Most self esteem problems are generally linked to either Lack of confidence in your abilities or Lack of confidence in dealing with the opposite sex."

Are they? I don't think there's widespread agreement that that is true. What evidence do you have for that?

"Hence good male role models are important to young girls. They teach them how to deal with the opposite sex ie. teach subtle signs that differentiate guys with good and guys with bad intentions."

How? You're not explaining how you think men do that differently from women.

Also I don't think men's role in children's lives is just to teach girls how to deal with the opposite sex. I think their role is far more wide-reaching than that, for both sexes.

That's slightly depressing, AltogetherAndrews.

We're always taught that if you give your kids a real solid grounding that you think they're great, they'll basically have high self-esteem, aren't we?

But that's clearly not always true.

I worked on the principle that 'it takes a village to raise a child'. I made sure that the DC had influences from a variety of sources so they didn't only have input from just me.

Are they? I don't think there's widespread agreement that that is true. What evidence do you have for that?

it's my opinion why do I need to show evidence.
MOST self esteem issues are about feeling 'I'm not good enough....' Basically no confidence in their abilities.
Same goes in relationships 'I'm not good enough....'(lack of self esteem) feeling will make people tolerate shite from their partners.
Hence lack of confidence I'm their abilities or how they interact with the opposite sex.

Also I don't think men's role in children's lives is just to teach girls how to deal with the opposite sex. I think their role is far more wide-reaching than that, for both sexes.

I never said men's role is just to...I'm talkin in regard to self esteem.
How? You're not explaining how you think men do that differently from women.
In OP's case her DD's relationships in the future will be based on her early interactions with men in her life.
Just as if it was her DS, Her son's relationships will be based on how he interacted with his mother.

I think its a bit more complicated than that. I think you learn relationship roles from both parents. Im a woman and I behave much more like my father did in a relationship but I can see aspects of my mother too.

My parents never suggested I was anything less than wonderful and yet I have very low self esteem. I think I picked this up from them; they may have thought I was great but they had a very low opinion of themselves, and now I feel a c