If your self esteem is a bit shit, how do you bring up your children to be different?

[weightofresponsibility]

That's it really. I'm watching the documentary about the sex gangs and thinking that the victims may have been even more vulnerable due to low self esteem. I know in my early teens I was pathetically grateful for any male attention.

I have a DD and I need her to believe in herself and how much she's a valuable and precious person. Ditto my son of course although I guess men are less likely to fall victim to this sort of thing.

:(

How old are your children?

My daughters are pre-school, and one of the big things I try to do is avoid over-commenting on appearance. I have really noticed how easy it is to repeatedly comment on how cute they look in a particular top, or with their hair in bunches, or whatever it may be. And how (comparatively) rarely boys receive the same compliments. This sends a very early message to our daughters that these things (being cute, looking beautiful) are central elements of what people think is great about you.

I try really, really hard to regularly compliment them on being strong, or brave, or caring, or many other things. Sometimes I deliberately rephrase my compliments - not "what pretty new trainers" but "what fab new trainers, can you run really fast in those". Not because I can't say nice things about how they look, but to counterbalance the over-emphasis that comes out otherwise.

I hope that by emphasising all aspects of their character, I build their all round self esteem.

I'll let you know in 20 years if it worked at all!

That's a good point. I try to encourage them both to be strong and brave and kind, rather than going on about how they are (so gorgeous though!).

It's odd because I have no brothers and my mother was very much the leader of the family in that she was the main breadwinner and ran the show, my dad did DIY and spent what little he earned in the pub. So I've grown up confident in my abilities as an individual, I am as good as any man in terms of my career etc, but personally I've defaulted to feeling flattered any time a man pays me any attention. I don't want that for my daughter.

I think about this a lot too. I have low self esteem in similar ways to my mum & I don't want my two daughters to be the same.

Lots of letting them succeed, I think. Try not be overly critical & snappy & controlling. I find it hard to work out what to do as my parents were good, loving, responsive parents & my mum still transmitted the issue to me.

I have very few memories of my mum. But one that is strong is me asking, at about 13, 'am I pretty?' she looked me up and down and said 'I suppose so' and walked off. I felt hideous from then til I was 25. I tell my DD's they are beautiful, strong and clever all the time (they are). They seem pretty confident.

Marking place, interesting thread.

OP, feeling flattered by attention from the opposite sex isn't a bad thing, pretty sure men do to. But I'm guessing you mean something a bit deeper than that.

Kim, thanks for the reminder about praising the action, always good advice!

Pusscat

Interesting thread. I think I have low self esteem, I think I got it from my mother. I am terrified DD(5) will get it from me. So far though, so good. She seems incredibly confident. Her father is really confident so that is a good role model.

I agree with others re praise. I go out of my way to praise reading, writing, how clever she is and what a kind and good girl she is. I also tell her she is beautiful, of course.

She loves sports so I really encourage that, she thinks it is good that she can run really fast, for example, and is strong and healthy with 'super powers'.

We can only do our best, I suppose.

Critical and controlling. I am both of those and finding it hard to keep it under wraps. Awful pmt doesn't help but I am very impatient. I find it so hard to change.

It's a scary thought that this is my legacy.

Oh, I am controlling I think too.
Very impatient also!

I try so hard to keep it under wraps. I console myself, and you too OP, that if we are aware of it, then we cannot be as bad as we worry about.

My mother was and is a complete control freak so my aim is to not be like her.

Amanda that is something I have found myself doing more and more. I am divorced from dd's father and we have very different views on parenting. I want her to enjoy being a child. She is four nearly five. Her dad likes to dress her up like a doll, pretty dresses, pink pink pink and sequins amd hello kitty and barbie tops etc. He is forever telling her she is pretty and his princess. I actively seek out more practical clothing (still pretty but less bling, more pastels blues, purples etc). I feel that be concentrating so much on her appearance he is reinforcing her view that 1. She has to be pretty at all times and 2. He won't love her if she isn't.

I ended up having a chat with her the other day about beauty and we spoke about being beautiful on the inside and how that is more important. I don't know if she understood but I do feel it is a theme I'm going to have to push to counter the princess stuff.

Everyone's aim is basically not to be like their mother, right?

I think the most important thing you can do for a child's self-esteem is probably to let them know they are great, no matter what they happen to be doing or wearing at that moment in time, whether they're failing at something or succeeding, displaying a particular quality or not.

The trouble with particular compliments, whether it's "pretty", "clever" or "strong", is that they start trying to act them out more to get more praise, and start feeling inadequate when they know they're not being those things. That goes for the feminist-screened compliments as much as the "princess" ones.

Actually I hadn't looked at it like that, it should be obvious really. I expect my partner to support me at all times and love me regardless, so my children should receive nothing less. It does trouble me that if I aim to counter then I am implicitly criticising her as she likes these clothes and being a princess.

I do see your problem, Num. I've no idea how I would carry out my own advice! I'm more thinking about being on the receiving end; I think it would be great to have a parent who was a safe space for everything.

Avoiding all teh calling them princess shit from the off helps. Cannot abide it. My girls are not princesses they are strong, tough , funny and don't give a damn about pink or being feminine.

Like their mother

Great thread idea. I was sexually abused as a child and have suffered low self esteem my whole life. I have a 3yo boy and a nearly 6yo girl.

Will be back to read/respond properly later.

If I had a daughter I would do what my mother did - I would make her clothes. I always had clothes that fitted me perfectly, were flattering and she never told me what size they were. There were no Primarks at the time and she normally would buy fabric offcuts at knock off prices or alter her clothes for that.
For children of both sexes it is mostly about giving them opportunity to overcome something interesting but age-/ability- appropriately difficult. I think when they have got the hang of it it wouldn't matter who tells them what, they will have a strong belief in themselves.

I think if you can understand why your self esteem is shit then it helps. My mum is also the reason for my shit self esteem so I avoid the things that she did.
I treat my children as individuals and don't compare with each other out loud. They know what individual characteristics I like most about them. My mum wanted 4 mini-mes and couldn't understand why I wasn't as outgoing as my sister or why my brother was not as academic as me.
I make sure that they often overhear me praising them. Dd made gorgeous cupcakes the other day and she was in the next room but I started a loud conversation with her brothers about what a great job she did. She was over the moon to "accidentally" overhear her brothers say that they were the best cupcakes they'd ever eaten.
My ex and I disagree on lots of parenting areas. He dislikes how I let my kids (12,10,6) choose their own clothes as he sees their choices as chavvy. I think that allowing them that sort of control is good for self esteem as they are choosing what they consider fashionable and I really do not remember having a fun relationship with fashion the way that my kids do.

I think that having lots of friends also helps. That way, when you argue with one you have others to turn to and my children have told me of lots of instances where their friends have given each other reality checks like "I would also react in the same way if you had done X to me"

My mum also did the labelling thing. I was "academic" , "fat with thunder thighs" (I am a size 8/10) ,"no artistic ability" (but managed to get a job involving graphics),"unfit" (I run 5k 4 times a week ) , "unmaternal" (I have 3 kids who worship me- even the 12 year old!!), and I still believe these labels despite evidence to the contrary.

I try to get involved with their latest interests even when not interested- I know all the lyrics to all the High School Musical songs, name all the Moshi Monsters etc- I bet my mum couldn't name any album she'd bought me as a kid.

My Mum was prone to depression (still is) and has very low self esteem, which is mainly due to her own terrible parents (neglectful, abusive).

However me and my siblings are confident and sociable - we were brought up by a loving, over protective mother - but for all her faults she always thought we were great - talked to us all the time (too much probably), gave as much as she was able. Fathers are extremely important to good self esteem though. My Dad was not perfect but he was very benignly neglectful took us on long walks, lectured us on interesting subjects, made us feel interesting and valuable - not Daddy's princess but Daddy's student. He suffered from ill health and died when I was 18 but his legacy was a feeling that my value lay in my brain not my body. I have made mistakes in relationships but my husbands respects me and loves me and shows that respect to our children - so they are (I hope) growing up with the same awareness of their value.

I do tell my children how beautiful they are, the boy as well as the girls, I encourage them all to value themselves as people. I know I am not perfect and I will make mistakes but I hope my own innate self confidence will be inherited. I don't subscribe to 'as long as you're happy' approach. Likely due to her own mental health issues my Mum was always too scared to push us to do things and I am inherently lazy, so I do try not to sacrifice drive in the pursuit of self esteem, with my children. Not a Tiger mother though in any way shape or form.

I am tall and ginger and have a fat arse - when I was growing up I did feel unattractive because I was not delicate and fine boned and small. But I had positive male role models so I felt valued despite this (and similarly big boned older sisters and Aunts which helped).

apologies I appear to have written my biography.

50shades I suffered the labelling thing - I didn't know it was called that.

I am 'selfish', everyone in the whole family followed my mothers lead on that one. We are talking from 5 years old so, slightly odd thing to say. Like you - I still believe it. They all still tell me, (DS & DB) on a weekly basis, so they all believed it too! Also, I would 'get divorced'. Told that from about 10 years old.

Seeing as I am the only child of the three (now in their 40's) children to get married and have a child, I suppose I am the most likely to get divorced.

Continuing with the OP's thread - I can't imagine criticising my DD with being anything, certainly not labelling. Certainly not something negative. Why would someone do that?

I also agree with the poster above this that you need some "you are beautiful" comments because many Tweens/teens (especially girls) get involved in chat about other people's physical imperfections. Apparently my daughter's eyebrows are too straight and she has been teased about the hole in her ear lobes that she was born with. My children know that there is a lot of make up out there because the companies are preying on people's insecurities about looks and I've shown my daughter several videos/pictures about how airbrushing can totally distort photos.

I think because my mum had come from such a screwed up back ground with poverty of expectations, she left school at 15 had no qualifications, labelled as 'factory fodder' by her teachers (and family) - she encouraged us to do well at school and was impressed with any small academic acheivement. I did get labelled as clumsy by her - but it is true - other than that we were allowed to find our own way, her expectations weren't low but they weren't fixed either.

50shades/ calypso - it is hard to accept people that are meant to nurture and protect us can be so very flawed and wrong - they are meant to be the people that know us best. Labelling is so damaging - even if there is truth to the label - how does it help to limit a person? Scared, bitter people with low self esteem seem to need to put other people in boxes - maybe it makes them feel less threatened by them...?

Great thread idea, OP, and very relevant to me at the moment.

I have had low self-worth all my life and was conscious of not wanting to pass this onto my DC (7, 5, 2). I am having counselling related to my low self-esteem and resulting general unhappiness. Something very interesting has come out about where my problems started.

I thought I had had a very lovely, problem-free childhood with no real worries and 2 parents who loved me unconditionally. What has come out is that although I was praised for my achievements, I have completely taken on my Mum's own view of herself (adopted, feelings brushed under the carpet, felt unwanted, etc) and internalised it as MY view of myself. I may have been told to 'do as I say not as I do' but my role model didn't value herself (and still doesn't) and so that's what I learned to do. I was also not encouraged to have strong emotions, or cry, or deal with my feelings in any way, and so am now having to learn to recognise my feelings, express them where I need to and thus let them pass. This is building my self-esteem no end.

I am realising that I need to model good self-worth to my DCs for them to take it on for themselves. I'm in no way there yet but it feels like the right road.

And on the subject of pretty pink princesses - DD1 didn't do this and I congratulated myself for her healthy gender-neutral attitudes. DD2 at 2yo only plays with dolls, pretends to be a hairdresser and wants to wear 'tippytoe shoes' all the time. I am having to go with the pink tide . I think the problems come when that is all a girl experiences.