Random men speaking to you

[enimmead]

I'm sure men don't randomly speak to other men in the street. Strangers. So why the hell do they feel they have to speak to random women. I don't think it's got anything to do with chatting up.

Yesterday, I saw a 20 something bloke with his mates slip in front of me on the ice. As I got out, he said "Hi love, did you see that!!!" I'm could be his mum bit older than him. Why speak to me? I just smiled but I bet he wouldn't' have said anything if I'd been male.

Just walking down the street, other side of the road bloke smiles and says "Hi love". No idea who he was.

Do blokes do this to other random blokes?

"I do get that men make intimidating and unwanted comments to women, but the comment from the bloke in the OP wasn't. "

It's being called love by a complete stranger. I don't like it. Or being called sweetheart.

Olivia did you just LOL?

Have you got a temperature? Are you feeling giddy ::headtilt::?

Get well soon Olivia.

But if you do snuff it can I have that blue background you use when you post?

It's just a word ime eninmead.

Not rude,just a word.

What if he'd said 'Hi bitch,did you see that!!'

Now that would have been rude.

But 'Hi love' isn't rude.

enimead, can you describe why?
Do you feel like a piece of meat?

enimmead,you could have said to the young man whose friend slipped on the ice.

'please don't call me 'love',i don't like it'

From a woman, it's fine. In shops or things like that, it's fine.

But it just seems wrong from a man on the street. Love and sweetheart. It's a term that I think from a man should be between him and his partner. Not a comment made to some woman he sees on the street.

That's just me. I'm no bloke's love or sweetheart. And it is men who say it as I pass them.

"enimmead,you could have said to the young man whose friend slipped on the ice."

And get involved in an argument about sexism with 4 20 year old blokes?

ok.I sort of see where you are coming from.
That they are being too personal with you.

fwiw, they probably use different vocabularly to their girlfriends or nearest and dearest.

Kim, please forgive me, but I have a question about people speaking more to you as a woman than a man; do you think that people speak to you more because you are happier in yourself, more open etc?

As a general point, maybe women are expected to smile and be nice, more than men. But you if you expect someone to be sour and unresponsive then you wouldn't bother speaking to them. People look to connect with a friendly face. In the OP I certainly don't think it was about power or dominance. The bloke was laughing and wanted someone to connect with the joke. Maybe if the OP had been a man he would have held back because he might perceive a man to be less friendly for whatever reason. Those reasons could equally be about power and dominance.

The 'love' thing is about intent isn't it? So the woman in superdrug who says it to every customer isn't intending to cause offence or demean or whatever. You probably wouldn't be offended by her because you aren't threatened by her.

The man shouting it makes you respondin a different way, but his intent would be no more insidious that the woman in the shop. It's how you percieve him that is different.

You saw it was disrespectful, and it might have been, but I would like to think that he was just excited and wanted to connect with someone as a human, albeit in a clumsy way.

I am going to completely undermine my own argument now, because when you said that, I had a flashback to the brief period of time that I was blonde.

I couldn't stand it.

I think its also how much sexual harassment one has experienced in the past that can change how one reacts to it in the present. And, you can usually tell between an elderly man saying 'hello love' when you walk past him into the store. I don't like it but he's not being offensive. Thing is a lot of men use it to be offensive and intimidate women.

The assumption that women have to respond politely to every random man in the street makes it harder for women to get away from men who are trying to intimidate. Women are socialised to be nice all the time so when we react not-nicely, even to quite a credible threat, we are told we are overreacting. Women are never told to trust their instincts. And, men who think they are nice have absolutely no idea about the personal experience of the woman they are talking to and immediately assume a woman who walks away or shouts is being a bitch for the sake of being a bitch. They never think that actually that woman, that complete strange who you said "hi love" too was a victim of sexualised violence whose rapist used that exact phrase.

Men don't get just how intimidating it can be to be approached on a road by a strange man.

And, frankly, any man yelling hi love across the street at me, I would assume was a complete pillock because in no universe is that polite behaviour.

YY WithTheDude.

I'm in two minds about 'love' and 'sweetheart' tbh. Most folk (men and women) use it as a shorthand for 'you there in the blue shirt that I do not know your name'. I don't like it used in a deliberately patronisingor phwoary manner, but these are few and far between.

I appear to have got into the habit of calling everyone 'my darling', or 'lovely'.

It's very odd, and I can only assume it crept on with age, as it's just an exhibition of general goodwill, rather than me wanting to belittle or fuck everyone.

I call people I know who are friends "my lovely". I wouldn't say it to a stranger.

I call people 'love' or 'sweetheart' a lot. Where I grew up people call you 'pet' and I like that a lot. It isn't gender-specific. I do agree there are plenty of non-gender-specific ways of talking to strangers that are perfectly polite and nice.

But there are also, unfortunately, plenty of gender-specific wankerish ways of speaking to strangers, IME, and I really don't think many people would be confused about the difference if faced with real examples on the street.

I have noticed that, as a youngish woman, if I call a man from round here 'sweetheart' he will often react slightly oddly. The same men will happily call me 'love', but they don't expect it back from women. I'm not sure they find it offensive (I hope not because it is more or less reflex for me), but I do notice it and find it quite interesting. I wonder if it makes them think about what they're habitually calling me?

Try it sometime: go into a busy pub, or a shop, and try to get a bloke's attention by calling him sweetheart or darling, and see how many times the bloke in question twitches a little bit, or starts trying to see if you were chatting him up.

Chatting is totally different from what many of us mean on the thread.
For example (and this was a rare night) last week I was on the train into London. I was reading the FT, not many people on train. The man opposite said - I love your boots. In fact (and you can all laugh at this) at first I thought he had said I love your boobs. So you think - ah nutters on the train, the trains are full of them so you ignore it. I suppose I looked up.I wasn't really in the mood to chat and obviously. it was chatting up. He was reasonably sane, posh but longish blondish hair, we exchanged a few sentences. He got off 2 stops on. So that didn't feel too intimidating but it certainly wasn't just friendly chat.

Same night I walked about for 3 minutes from a hotel reception to the tube in London and first 2 Asian youths moved a bit closer and started talking and it wasn't friendly chatter, they were a bit drunk (this of course will teach me to wear high heels.. laughing... ) and before they had even finished their comments which I cannot quite remember but was certainly not a friendly chat in the street a 30 stone arab man who may have had mental health issues moved slightly closer to me pushing his hips out and rubbing his penis on the outside of his trousers toward me - about 5 feet away. I walked on quickly, left all 3 men behind and got back to my newspapers on the train. I didn't feel scared but it was one evening and it was 4 different men and it was nothing to do with friendly chatter. It was all to do about sex or power. I am not overly PC and I like men but it is definitely a feminist issue and men are not subjected to this. They may be more at risk of being stabbed of course and perhaps that is worse.

Really fucking hate it. It is all about power. Men trying to intimidate women.

xenia2012, please don't take this the wrong way, but your name is very, very similar to a long-term poster, did you know that?! I'm assuming you're new but forgive me if I am wrong.

A man saying hi isn't intimidating