Apparently I can't be a feminist because I changed my name when I married.

[dustandfluff]

I heard someone (a feminist writer dunno who) on Radio 4 a few months ago saying women who change their names when they get married are not feminists.

. I have long been interested in feminism and women's rights. I appreciate the feminist arguments against changing your name. I had my reasons but I don't think that's relevant here. To me this sounds as though to "be" a feminist you have to meet a particular standard.

I think this is the kind of thing that puts a lot of women off the movement.

Opinion s anyone?

There is no problem with differently-surnamed parents taking children abroad.

No, dh has taken ours abroad without me, without any issues whatsoever.

There can be an issue and it's recommended that you travel with the birth certificate or a letter of consent from the parent with the same surname as a child. Just had that spat recently at the Canadian border travelling with an unmarried friend who gave her child the father's surname.

Actually passport control is one of the places I've never had any trouble re having a different name from my kids.

It's more everyday parochial places who get their knickers in a twist about it.

I chose to keep my name and tag OH's on. It wasn't a feminist issue for me, it was a me issue.

Could be misconstrued as a feminist issue though, because I was partly remaining myself and partly refusing to become just another Mrs X in an extended family with mostly male offspring.

I agree with OP, it sometimes seems like you aren't allowed in the club unless you do/don't do the right things. Thatparole of the reasons why I don't describe myself as a feminist, despite my beliefs.

I think for certain countries it's wise to have the letter of consent to travel with just one parent regardless of surname because of heightened fears of parental kidnapping.

There can be an issue and it's recommended that you travel with the birth certificate or a letter of consent from the parent with the same surname as a child. Just had that spat recently at the Canadian border travelling with an unmarried friend who gave her child the father's surname.

Agree with Hully that "Mrs" would feel uncomfortable for me as a feminist. In fact it makes me cringe a bit. Think even if I take DP name would still call self Ms

I also struggle to understand why a woman would give her child the father's surname over their own. There are a few women I know who aren't married but choose to disregard their name in favour for their partner's when naming their child. I wouldn't do this in a million years- I just don't get it.

The border thing isn't about surnames, it's about child protection. Many countries (Canada included) specify that all children should have their birth certificate and a letter of consent from the other parent, when travelling with only one of them. Parental abduction does not discriminate with regard to surnames!

I did it HippieHop

I think it was because I had a vague idea that I'd have a work name and a home name and that eventually I'd change it to his for use when dealing with schools, medical authorities etc.

Seemed like a good idea at the time but I wouldn't do the same now. Would just give them my surname name.

That's bloody ridiculous.

What if you don't have regular contact with the other parent?

I'd be well pissed off if I had to ask my xp, who has no PR and very little contact with his kids, for his permission to take my kids on holiday.

I'm a Mrs and a feminist Hully, I'm married to my husband, therefore I am a Mrs and happy to be categorised as such.
The only thing I do wish is that there was a title for a married man that categorised him as such.
Whatever my daughter wants to do with her name if and when she marries is up to her but I think it's important for a family to have the same surname, whomever it first "belonged" to.

Titles are largely useless these days. I prefer not to use one at all. I'm not interested in people's marital status, and fail to see why categorising men as married or unmarried would be a step forward.

I think every woman over 18 should be called Mrs.

Like on the continent.

Miss only for little girls.

Then it would have no political connotations.

It is just a shortening of Mistress.

I understand the child safety issues - the point was that no-one ever asked re DD, but as soon as I had DS as well, I was challenged.

Another instance, travelling with DH2, we had DSD as well who has her mother's name, so four surnames between us, and we were not challenged.

So, yes, I think it was because I was a lone woman travelling with two children with different fathers. The questions were not, do you have the fathers' permissions, it was how come they have different surnames from you? I don't know, they were just two random kids I stole??

Maybe I will just change both to my names as I look after them and pay for them and then no-one will bat an eyelid.

summerflower sorry I wasn't actually replying to your post, but the one above about the issue at the Canadian border! Was just trying to point out that they are quite fastidious about these things and the issue wasn't necessarily related to having different surnames.

Request for title information on forms is a bit of a nonsense. If forms need gender, marital, qualifications info, they can ask, so title info conveys nothing extra. I suppose they request title info only so that they can address people by the title they prefer, so the trick will be to convey to a million bureaucracies that the preferred title is none at all.

No worries, I think they should be fastiduous, to be honest, but consistently!

Thinking about your experience though, depending on how it was said I think I too would feel judged. I suppose they have a relatively short time to 'assess' a situation and are trying to gather a lot of info quickly, but I can't see how different surnames are particularly relevant.

While I don't particularly care what individuals do, I think the issue of name-changing will only cease to be an issue when name-changing on marriage is equal between men and women, and when children's surnames are equally split between dads' surnames and mums' surnames (where different)

Wish I could find some statistics, but from the people I know I'm guessing it would be:

women changing to DH surname on 1st marriage: 95%
women keeping their own name on 1st marriage: 5% (maybe more on 2nd marriage)
men changing to DW surname on 1st marriage: 0
double-barrelling on marriage: 0

where the parents' surnames are different:
kids getting dad's surname: 99%
kids getting mum's surname: 0
kids getting double-barrelled: 1% (me )

Oh, and for you people who keep on about choice, sure you can choose but why should feminists automatically approve of that choice? Would you expect feminists to approve if you:

• chose to accept lower pay than a man doing the same job, because why not, it's more important to him?
• chose to bring up your daughters to cook and clean and your sons to sit around being waited on (after all women are just better at cooking and cleaning!)?
• chose to vote against women bishops?

I think anyone who thinks feminism is all about choice, has a really basic misunderstanding of what it is tbh.

It's the political movement for the emancipation and liberation of women.

Feminists made choices possible for women, but that's not the point of it, that's a side-effect. Feminism isn't all about choice, libertarianism is.

I took my Dh's name, after a long conversation with him about it. I had thought of going the double barrel, but it sounded like an illness. And I'd like my kids to have the same name as both parents.

I don't think your name is a hallmark of feminism, it is more a pride issue or a lineage issue. It is a lineage issue with my Dh. He is the only son, and none of his sisters have children. So the name either dies with his generation (it's unusual) or his kids have it. I don't like the idea of his surname disappearing from these parts...

I would just find it very weird, being married, to see "Mr Woozley and Ms/Mrs Maidenname" for one thing. Also it would look like an homage to a film actor as our names together spell his name, and I don't particularly like him as he was a Romney supporter.

I also think on this thread is the sort of thing that puts people off feminism. Sorry dear, you are being subjugated by the patriarchy but you just don't know it. Why not accept in this case, that people make different, informed choices?

I don't give a flying fuck what the history of marriage is or whether you think I'm cowtowing to the patriarchy in changing my name. The important thing is to me you marry someone who considers you an equal who is worthy of you and your marriage is what you make of it together. That's what I'll be passing on to my daughters, and I've already told them you don't have to get married at all and that girls can marry girls too- as they have seen going to a civil partnership ceremony of my best friend.

To be anti marriage for these reasons to me is a bit like saying you don't like school because they used to use corporal punishment.