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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Sex every night to keep him happy

72 replies

MoleyMick · 09/11/2012 08:52

I am a lurker on these boards but consider myself a feminist.
I was at playgroup with my dc this morning and while the kids were eating a group started talking about sex, how often, etc. one of the women said " we do it every night, it keeps him happy." I was a bit astonished but all the others were going " oh, he's a lucky man" and "that's great!" I mean, if you do it every night because you love sex and want to, fine, but it was the "keeps him happy" comment that got to me. And the response.
I didn't comment as I feel like a bit of an outsider there at the best of times, but it really depressed me and I can't articulate why to myself. I guess it's the whole "men have needs" thing that I thought we all knew was bollocks.
Am I over reacting? Is this really a common way of thinking? I keep wondering if i should have said something but she seemed happy, so I didn't want to be the lone voice I guess.
Sorry for the ramble, has just been playing on my mind!

OP posts:

ashesgirl · 15/11/2012 20:48

It does sound awful - like you're a receptacle or something.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2012 20:53

"Luberape"

Do you understand how offensive that is ? Do you understand how sad that is ?

And you women chuckling along at the thought of it. I feel sorry for you.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2012 20:56

HQ, I understand if you delete my comment at 20:53 too

ashesgirl · 15/11/2012 20:57

Have you reported it, AF?

AnyFucker · 15/11/2012 21:04

My post ? No. But it refers to the one I have reported which has been deleted, so I expect it to go too.

ashesgirl · 15/11/2012 21:06

Ah, I meant the original post. But yep see it has gone now

AnyFucker · 15/11/2012 21:07

Rape apology has no place on Mumsnet. That is why I like it here.

jiminyCrick · 15/11/2012 22:47

Gin that's brilliant. A bit more honesty like that is needed!

What on earth these posts about lube are all about I don't know...shocking..

Ok, so I cook for my husband nearly every night, because it makes me happy (i'm sure he enjoys it too) but I like feeding people. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to.

My DH hoovers because he doesn't mind, and it keeps me happy...however, he is not putting himself out that much, and if he really didn't want to do it, he wouldn't.

Sex is different. It's not a compromise, if you don't want to do it, you do not do it. I will put my foot down if I don't want sex. There's nothing wrong with that. So will DH if he doesn't. It may be totally bad taste, but one time when I REALLY REALLY didn't want to I said "I've said no, it'd be rape now" My dh was genuinely shocked. He had no idea. He's a clever, kind, lovely lovely man, but he just had never thought of it like that.

No is No

(i'm making us sound like an awful couple. He has NEVER forced himself upon me, and I do not always say no!)

However, my point is, in relationships you do things for your own benefit, which may or may not benefit others, you do things for the othes benefit, but Sex is not part of that. there are clear lines which are not to be crossed, and it shouldn't be a compromise.

ethelb · 15/11/2012 23:27

I agree with Sara. She may not want to admit she's v horny. I am v horny ( homier than my dp) and didn't realise until recently it was something other women could be jelous of.
Imagine I posted in relationships asking if anyone was very sexually charged. More than their partner. Can you imagine the amount if troll calling?
Plus it's none of your business.

differentnameforthis · 16/11/2012 05:54

She didn't say she did it TO keep him happy, she said it keeps him happy.

Having sex often makes my dh (and me) happy but it is a huge leap from me saying that to you & you deciding that I have sex often to keep him in a good mood!

Original poster

MoleyMick · 16/11/2012 06:23

I have said upthread i probably gave it too much thought! was just something that I thought a bit about on the day, because I had not heard it before.
I think that it is sad that women need to hide a high sex drive, rather than just say "we do it every night, it's great". It hadn't occurred to me that women would feel jealousy or hatred towards another woman for daring to have a very active sex life AND kids. I certainly wouldn't. I just wondered about what she said and was looking for other views, which I have

OP posts:

grimbletart · 16/11/2012 11:52

My view is that a couple's sex life is personal and private and the last thing I would do, or participate in, is the easy gossip that some women (and some men) seem to take part in re their personal lives.

It is utterly disrespectful to your partner.

I don't expect agreement with me on this btw.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2012 12:42

I agree with you, gt

FastLoris · 16/11/2012 21:16

JuminyCrick - how you feel about sex and compromise is of course your business and the only thing that matters is that you and your husband have an understanding that you're both happy with.

But can you accept that other people may feel differently about it?

Sex is very personal, some people just don't attach the same significances to it that others do and feel fine compromising about doing it when they're not particularly in the mood, just like some other aspect of the relationship.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR · 16/11/2012 21:33

I do think that sometimes having sex with a longstanding partner when you are not terribly in the mood for it is not that big a deal. But I don't think sex is that big a deal anyway and there is a sliding scale between 'Yes please, very horny' and 'No. I don't want to.'

In the past I have sometimes had sex out of politeness and no, I do not mean I have been abused. To me it wasn't a big deal.
I also suspect, at least, that some of the sex I have had involved the other participant being polite to me rather than genuinely frothing with lust.

However, I don't do longterm monogamy and one of the reasons for avoiding that because, while I might engage in 'courtesy' or 'hospitality' shags from time to time, I wouldn't want to be in a position of having to do it regularly.

grimbletart · 16/11/2012 22:07

Gosh SolidGold - your post sounds so late 1960s

jiminyCrick · 16/11/2012 22:12

Hey FastLoris...yes of course! Whatever anyones feeling or opinion is is fine, but in my book, no one should feel like they have to have sex with someone to make them happy, not every night. but that's my opinion!

If you both want to, go crazy and do whatever makes you happy!

jiminyCrick · 16/11/2012 22:13

sorry to add...if they don't have that same significance, then it wouldn't be an issue for them, and so they wouldn't be doing something they don't want to do...does that make sense?
Sorry if i'm not explaining myself well here...

BertieBotts · 16/11/2012 22:40

I feel uncomfortable with the idea of sex being a way of showing love, and I don't know if I can explain this very well, but because it makes it into more of a service or something you do for someone. And perhaps that's not the way it's meant to sound but that's how it comes across for me.

Whereas I think that sex, well, what I call "proper" sex, ie the kind where both people are enthusiastic and into it and each other and it's very mutual and emotionally connected as well as it being about physical pleasure, it's not something that can be one sided - I mean, yeah, you can do oral or whatever which is physically a one sided act but the way that both partners are engaging in that and what they're getting from that and how they're connecting etc because of that, just doesn't happen if one person's doing it for the other or seeing it as a chore or whatever. It's a totally different thing.

And I can see the situation as well where your partner is in the mood but you're not but you don't mind giving them a little "helping hand" or whatever, and you might end up getting into it, or you might not, but you know that the option's always there to say no or I've had enough or I don't feel like this right now. The problem comes where there's coercion or guilt involved, and I wish that we could banish every notion that anyone EVER owes anyone sex, and then maybe the guilt would go?? It's a very female thing, to feel like you owe someone sex or feel bad for not being in the mood or whatever and we all need to just get it out, totally out of our consciousness at all so that we can bring our daughters up strong in the knowledge that no matter what ever, she never owes a man anything sexually, and our sons to know that sex isn't some divine right or entitlement or need. And then maybe people can just start doing it because it's FUN and not because of some obligation that they feel. :(

AnyFucker · 16/11/2012 22:55

I now imagine sgb wheeling in a Hostess Trolley

"and what would sirs and modoms like this evening....?"

FastLoris · 16/11/2012 23:17

It seems to be the case that while many people acknowledge the possible validity of having sex to make your partner happy when you're not particularly in the mood in the context of a particular equal and secure relationship, when we discuss that idea idea in a general sense we can't help doing so against a historical/cultural background of women having sex because their husbands "expect" it.

OneMoreChap · 17/11/2012 13:05

BertieBotts

we all need to just get it out, totally out of our consciousness at all so that we can bring our daughters up strong in the knowledge that no matter what ever, she never owes a man anything sexually, and our sons to know that sex isn't some divine right or entitlement or need.

Indeed so.
And, moreover, if your daughters - and your sons - end up with someone who feels that sex is a bargaining counter to play with, they should walk away, swiftly.

Particularly if it's being used as an inducement to breed...

No-one should be cajoled in to sex or parenthood, before they clearly give enthusiastic consent...

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