Sex every night to keep him happy

[MoleyMick]

I am a lurker on these boards but consider myself a feminist.
I was at playgroup with my dc this morning and while the kids were eating a group started talking about sex, how often, etc. one of the women said " we do it every night, it keeps him happy." I was a bit astonished but all the others were going " oh, he's a lucky man" and "that's great!" I mean, if you do it every night because you love sex and want to, fine, but it was the "keeps him happy" comment that got to me. And the response.
I didn't comment as I feel like a bit of an outsider there at the best of times, but it really depressed me and I can't articulate why to myself. I guess it's the whole "men have needs" thing that I thought we all knew was bollocks.
Am I over reacting? Is this really a common way of thinking? I keep wondering if i should have said something but she seemed happy, so I didn't want to be the lone voice I guess.
Sorry for the ramble, has just been playing on my mind!

I think you're being very honest about your feelings here.

It's something that almost difficult to articulate, don't you think? I find it so anyway.

One more thing that occurs to me ... even if the sex was genuinely always expression of love, it still would be fine to not feel like it or refuse.

I reckon we can get caught up in haing sex we don't necessarily feel like because it's equated with showing love.

Love or no love, there's still no need to have sex to please someone, in my mind.

But society does tell us differently.

Sarah, ignore me. I was reading the thread upside down and thought the last was the first. So there was a reference to pain during thrush.

In an ideal world, couples would be able to have an honest conversation about what they really want, and what they're able to do for the other. And then they'd be able to have one partner suggest sex (not necessarily verbally) and the other could say yes or no without pressure, and the one who suggested it would accept that response without annoyance. But in real life, these things are fraught with guilt and resentment. It's not the same as "More coffee, dear?"

nfk I read the thread about three times and couldn't see the reference to pain but wasnt convinced I just wasn't seeing

It's, of course, fine to not want sex when your partner does.

It's not OK to sulk about not getting sex.

In most relationships, sex is part of it; if you don't want sex, there's no reason why your partner shouldn't have sex, by themselves - or indeed eventually with someone that wants to have sex with them... presumably?

It's never one partner's right to decide the other shouldn't have sex again. Maybe not with them...

But the problem isn't usually about one partner completely refusing the other sex completely but about the frequency of it. If one partner had a higher sex drive does this justify them seeking sex elsewhere?

It also might be painful for one to have sex? Does this justify it too?

A marriage/partnership is a co-existence of giving and taking - or in other words could be called an exchange of commodities. And a woman married for 43 years , when asked by a cheeky younger woman if she still did it then, replied " Of course, he has his needs and I want to keep him happy".

Marriage is an exchange of commodities? If that's the case, we should all be stockbrokers instead of being in relationships.

In my view, when you are in a relationship with a person (married or not, opposite sex or same, with or without kids, etc.) it's a relationship with a person. Sex may be part of that relationship, but like any other part, there needs to be open and equitable discussion about sex if things "aren't working," rather than one person feeling "obliged" to "give" it to the other or sex being used as some bargaining chip, as if it were a poker game.

I think there is also a shed load of mythology about men having rampant sex drives and "needs" that must be met or they'll stray as well as that women don't really like sex but only do it because that's part of the "deal." If only we could just dump all this crap and talk to each other about what we want, how we want it, when we want it, the things that put us off and turn us on, but never from the position of feeling entitled to expect something from the other person, we'd all feel alot happier, more fulfilled and less angsty about sex.

Great post Kritiq!

See I do agree to a large extent with that, kritiq - but my own experience is that my DH does have "needs". He will eventually go and, ahem, relieve himself if we don't have sex for a while - he says he feels a physical tension that needs a release.

We do talk about it quite openly, but that doesn't stop me feeling a) a bit pressured sometimes and b) a bit guilty when I don't

I wish I could resolve that dilemma intellectually, but I dont seem able to

But you have needs too - like wanting to sleep instead of having sex.

He can masturbate and sounds like he has no problem with that.

So where do you think the guilt is coming from?

I think the 'need' for sex is often elevated above any other 'need', though I'm not sure why.

Original your dh needs food on a regular basis, do you feel guilty whenever he cooks his own meal? He's an adult, and can take care of his own needs/wants, and while I'm sure he's grateful when you do things for him it's not your responsibility, iyswim.

(Really hope that didn't come across as attacky, it's just a different way of looking at it.)

Good analogy, Ria.

I think there is also a shed load of mythology about men having rampant sex drives and "needs" that must be met or they'll stray as well as that women don't really like sex but only do it because that's part of the "deal." If only we could just dump all this crap and talk to each other about what we want, how we want it, when we want it, the things that put us off and turn us on, but never from the position of feeling entitled to expect something from the other person, we'd all feel alot happier, more fulfilled and less angsty about sex

Kritiq you are bang on with this. It is all stereotypes.
There are just as many men who dont want sex. Just as there are just as many women who actually like/love sex.
Its the stereotypes that really grate.
Not having a go at the OP so please dont take this the wrong way but even the title of this thread grates as it intimates that "women dont like sex very much" therefore if her partner decides he doesnt want to have sex with her anymore ,well it doesnt matter cos women dont really like it anyway.
Because of these stereotypes women in this kind of situation find it really difficult if not impossible to talk about it.

Say what?

I think it's also partly a myth that when it's True Luv and you are Soulmates and all that heteromonogamous bollocks, you both want sex at the same time, every time. It's perfectly likely that one person feels like having sex and the other is tired or wants to read/watch TV/clean the oven/go to the pub. Sometimes, when one partner suggests sex, the other had been considering doing something else but thinks 'Oh well, why not?' This isn't necessarily a bad thing.

It could be becoming a bad thing if it's always the same partner who is less interested, who starts thinking 'Oh hell, not again'. because that's the sort of feeling that tends to grow after a while.

Funny thought, there are probably more people are still getting excited over reality TV after years of the same boring crap yet they couldn't become enthuased about sex with the person they are meant to love and live with.

Can somebody exptrapolate ?

Well, with realitity TV there's always the hope that something different's going to happen. With a partner whose sexual behaviour has always been pretty much the same, there's no element of surprise.

I do think another big problem with the heteromonogamous setup is that women are socialized to equate 'great' sex with love rather than skilled technique. Which often translates to putting up with a man's pretty limited repertoire of sexual moves, because you 'love'; him (ie you're in that first stage of attraction where even him picking his nose can be endearing). Then after a while, things get a little more ordinary, and you find that you'd like to try a few variations, but you're not sure how to suggest it without hurting his fwagile male ego or being accused of having an affair (because otherwise how would you know that you'd like more attention paid to your breasts...) So instead you start feeling less and less interested in sex and the vicious cycle begins.

sometimes when I'm not in the mood but he is we just use lube and than he can do 'what he wants'

Nexus, that doesn't sound good

That does sound a bit grim. Are you ok with that?

Oh yuk Nexus! Just out of interest, what things does he do for your benefit that he's not really keen on doing? A degree of give and take in a relationship is OK: most people find that sometimes a partner would like them to do something that's not all that thrilling (not just sex: it could be coming to watch you in your amateur dramatic performance when your performances are always bloody awful, or taking your turn at cleaning up spectacularly horrible cat diarrhoea or something). But if it's always the same partner doing the giving and the same partner doing the taking, then there's a problem that's only going to get worse.

Lol at the whole lube thing - it sounds grim but I know what poster meant

And the food analogy is an interesting one as I have no issue with him cooking (or washing up, which I flatly refuse to do) but the sex thing is different. Was thinking about it last night - there's no doubt he sleeps better after sex, whereas without he can struggle to get to sleep or wake a lot. Of course, sometimes I tell him to go and crack one off (delicate phraseology, no?!) but he won't - he only does that if he's really feeling the tension

I will admit to having moments of resentment/guilt esp about the sleeping thing but I do go round in circles about it. Coming back to the whole lube thing, sometimes it's just easier & quicker to lube up and lie back. Not very PC but the truth (or my truth) nonetheless

Coming back to the whole lube thing, sometimes it's just easier & quicker to lube up and lie back. Not very PC but the truth (or my truth) nonetheless

You're telling this to feminists, and it sounds awful. Do you also think of England? But seriously, if there's value in your relationship, there ought to be a way to negotiate sex so you both enjoy it. I just won't be pessimistic about sex and accept that it's impossible.