What is the patriarchy?

[EatsBrainsAndLeaves]

I am aware that we use words here like the patriarchy as if everyone understands what this means. I know when I first came on FWR I didnt. So I thought it mght be helpful if women who do understand it, explained what they understand the term patriarchy to mean.

I have just been out for a run - got back and DH is doing the ironing. I am out most of the day - DS is cooking the meal- I don't know what he is cooking and doubt if he does as he likes to experiment, so this means he will have to do some shopping.
Too many parents don't let their DCs do much. Start any threads on here about 4 yr old helping and it is akin to sending boys up chimneys to some people! Yet the TImes yesterday had an article saying that if you wanted an emotionally strong DC you needed to get them doing chores and that a 3 yr old was perfectly capable of clearing up. There are people who won't let an 8yr old chop vegetables or boil a kettle. You need to start young.
To harp back to my DSs flat mate. He was a good friend whose parents asked him to move out (no surprises why)and he was just a slob.Luckily it was a short term measure and he is now with his girlfriend. They are both 23yrs old with jobs. He won't have changed. That is what I meant by starting as you mean to go on. She shouldn't do it all. It is quite possible that 10yrs down the line they will have 2 children and she will be posting I'm MN complaining that he won't even pick ip his dirty clothes from the floor. They are young, able bodied adults in 21st century, with full time work- why would she do it? My grandmother wouldn't and she was born in late 19th century.
It isn't an abusive relationship, they love each other and yet she is doing all the housework. ( or maybe I am doing her an injustice and she has him sorted).

Most woman are raised to put up with men's shit. Some arent and I agree we all need to be doing that. And some like me who were raised to put up with men's shit, dont.

But so many women do need someone - a friend, etc, to point, that what they are putting up with is unreasonable and they should not be putting up with it. Mners on the relationship board can be great at that.

I agree Eats. Me and DH do 50:50 childcare but I am always aware of any shifts in the split of this and housework, and I also try and flag to my friends who both work FT but claim their DH is too tired to help with the baby for 10 mins that it should be fair.

In the meantime we should all be bringing up our DCs (of either gender) to do household tasks from the earliest possible age and not being the dogsbody that does it all. DCs do as you do and not as you say, so it is fairly useless talking about the patriarchy if your 9 yr old comes out of school and hands you their bag to carry - without you handing it back and saying 'what did you last servant die of?' It is the little things that count. There are still women on here packing their yr7 DCs school bag - or checking their school bag!
I think that too many women take these things on themselves without thought - and unconsciously a DC takes it in as the norm.
If your DC isn't good with looking after the baby- go out and leave him to it- even if you just walk around the block. There is no need to issue instructions - he is the father NOT the babysitter.

My older son cooks for his younger brothers every night (and breakfasts/brunch at weekends which he is doing now). I don't know if that counts as molly coddling younger ones or a good role model as man as principal house cook.

I certanily agree about not enabling male learned helplessness and feeling able to accept you are not all knowing wonderful Mother God and no one else can change a nappy the way you do or as well as you do. Let its father do it and if he does it wrong or differently just accept that as the price you pay for your freedom or he might even do it better than you do.

By the way I am not saying no one should do things for other people in relationships but it is just about basic fairness. If you both work full time why on earth would any woman put up with doing more than a man? If in the 1970s that was my view and I was able to ensure that why in 2012 do we still have women who work full time and then do all the housework whilst summy Jim is out playing golf for hours every weekend simply because he has a penis?

I would say it was a good role model.
I was trying to say something quite straightforward yesterday and tying myself in knots. Of course you can't work out in advance how people may act in a secure relationship, or in 5 years time, or when a child is born -but if you happen to be a 23rd old, independent young woman and a boyfriend moves in who only ever does anything if asked (with nagging) and leaves total chaos behind him why would you put up with him? He is bad news-he is unlikely to change -so I would either make him or, if he is resistant, get him to move out. However much you love him is it worth it? A lifetime of being general dogsbody?
Of course you do things for each other, but it is a two way thing and basic fairness. (nice to agree with Xenia for a change!)