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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Am I wrong to tell DD she is beautiful?

62 replies

DitaVonCheese · 28/07/2012 13:28

First post on this board. Please be gentle.

Am I wrong to tell DD she is beautiful? I also tell her that she is funny and kind and clever and lots of other things (is it bad to tell her these things too? ) and that I'd still love her even if she looked like a Gruffalo.

I just want her to be happy in her skin. And also she is beautiful

OP posts:

nearlythereyet · 30/07/2012 12:49

agree with Dinky and Lifeis, beauty is about so much more than looks. I want DD to aspire to be a lovely person. I tell my daughter she is beautiful, funny, clever, silly, lively, cute and just wonderful. Most of I all tell her I love her. I think the harm comes when all they hear about is beauty. Our children need to know we value everything about them.

NicknameTaken · 01/08/2012 14:21

I wish my mother had told me I was beautiful. What I heard from her is "You'd be so beautiful if you'd only..." lose weight, brush hair, wear different clothes etc. I don't think about my appearance all that much, but when I do, I often have a vague sense of falling short.

I say it to my DD a lot, mainly because I can't help it. She's mixed race, so I also tell her very specifically that her skin is a beautiful colour, and she has lovely eyes, like her dad. But I tell her she's funny and clever and a good runner and kind as well.

exoticfruits · 01/08/2012 14:47

I never understand why people have to be stingy with compliments-as long as beauty isn't elevated above everything else.

IsSamNormansDad · 01/08/2012 15:16

I tell my 4.5DS he is handsome and my 16m DD she is pretty (both true). I make more 'clever, brave, helpful' etc remarks particularly when they try something new & are successful, I also praise them for trying a new thing be it an activity, a new food or something else.
I think statements like these can instill confidence in children which will last a lifetime (hopefully)
DD is not a 'typical girl' (hate that type of phrase), she seems to think she's a 4 year old boy! DH and I love it - we try hard not to force stereotypes on our DC, although DD looks lovely in a dress.
I think the key is to make your DC feel valued and loved for the person they are, regardless of gender IMO.

Original poster

DitaVonCheese · 01/08/2012 15:38

This morning I told DD she was brave, fast, strong and daring, and told DS he had to stay in the buggy, keep clean and look pretty

OP posts:

thunksheadontable · 01/08/2012 23:07

Dh and I both tell my ds he is beautiful all the time. It's not about how he looks, he's the apple of our eyes, his beauty is to us and nothing to do with appearance. Did you see the interview with Chad le Clos's dad saying "look at my beautiful boy, he's so beautiful". Chad is definitely a looker but his dad was just emotional and proud and I don't think it was because of his son's attractiveness!

ReshapeWhileDamp · 02/08/2012 14:05

I tell my DSs they're beautiful (they are!), and I'm sure I'd tell a girl if I had a daughter. I also tell them they're clever, good at drawing, good at banging on bloody drums music, brave climbers and good at dinosaur science. Trying for well-rounded here! I think it's only ever a problem if, when you praise a child, you offer that praise conditionally. (Am in no way an 'Unconditional Parent' btw.)

And of course you tailor the compliments/praise to fit the recipient - if you have a daughter (or son) who hates being complimented, or shrugs angrily if you say they're beautiful, then probably best not to piss them off.

biryani · 07/08/2012 12:06

I steer clear of telling DD she's beautiful etc, because I feel it's unnecessary. If she asked, I'm not sure what I would say, to be honest!!

When I was little, my mother was constantly going on about how pretty/ plain my friends were, and later on I developed a bit of a complex, although it didn't bother me at the time. I'm not sure if she meant anything by it - times were different then - but I did grow up feeling very insecure about my looks, and still do.

From a feminist point of view, I think I'd say that looks don't matter and try to emphasise other things that I think matter more (or should do!!) like values, strength of character, etc.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 08/08/2012 23:01

biryani - you think it's unnecessary for your daughter to know that her mother thinks she's beautiful?? I think it's important for a daughter to know her parents think she's beautiful I think you risk making your daughter insecure as your mother did you, but from the exact opposite direction, which would be really sad as that's what you are trying to avoid.

swiftybaby · 08/08/2012 23:09

My son looked in the mirror today and said 'gosh I am so handsome it's ridiculous' I tell him every day heis beautiful and funny and brave and clever. Because he is and I adore him. ( am weeping writing this as about bo have second baby on friday and am a bag of hormones)

biryani · 09/08/2012 12:06

chipping - no, I only meant that I think discussions about beauty are unnecessary for children. After all, beauty is subjective, "in the eye of the beholder", and of course I think my daughter is beautiful, 'cos she's mine!!

Lio · 10/08/2012 15:26

Kind of related, this from Zoe Williams in The Guardian the other day starts with a father, proud of his Olympian son, calling him a beautiful boy

I have also called ds and dd beautiful (and yes, clever, funny, kind etc too)

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