Am I wrong to tell DD she is beautiful?

[DitaVonCheese]

First post on this board. Please be gentle.

Am I wrong to tell DD she is beautiful? I also tell her that she is funny and kind and clever and lots of other things (is it bad to tell her these things too? ) and that I'd still love her even if she looked like a Gruffalo.

I just want her to be happy in her skin. And also she is beautiful

Belle - I would entirely agree if we were talking about telling a girl she was 'pretty'. I think the word 'beautiful' has a more complex meaning. You can find people beautiful even if they are not visually attractive. Beauty is in a smile or in a deed or in a personality. It is not always a visual trait.

I tell my DS he is beautiful because he is such a happy, gentle child. My DN is beautiful because she is so strong and principled.

I do agree that dressing a girl up in a nice dress and telling her how pretty she is would be wrong, but I think telling children they are beautiful for being who they are is self-esteem building and I would never stop doing that.

I agree that beautiful technically means aesthetically pleasing, but in common usage it is a fairly gendered word - outside of literary circles how often would hear a "beautiful young man".

For a young child (and most adults) they would generally assume this is compliment on the way they look.

If your DS and DN have other wonderful characteristics, why not compliment them on those - "I love how you stand up for your principles, DN".

I don't think she would take the same message if you said "you are so beautiful, DN", she would assume you meant her physical appearance.

Interestingly the google dictionary definition quotes "a beautiful young woman" as an example and the others are all inanimate objects.

i tell my daughter she is beautiful because she is. it is the truth. and i worry that if i don't she will fall for men's compliments the way i did and be grateful to them.

i talk to her more about books and the meaning of life. she's 10. and doesn't wear foundation.

I would suggest that if you re-inforce that your DD's value is about her appearance, she would be more likely to fall for compliments than not?

If she understands that her value is intrinsic, personality, character, intelligence etc this will be better for her self-esteem in the long-run, surely?

BelleCurve - what a lot of crap. There is nothing wrong with telling your daughter she is beautiful, Nothing At All.

This has made me realise that my DD gets lots and lots of compliments about her looks and her curls ect ect but the oh shes a bright spark isnt she clever compliments are usually said to me not her Will start more comments about other things. Thankyou.

I wouldnt stop the beautiful comments though.

Chipping - of course everyone thinks their child is beautiful. My DS is absolutely gorgeous!

Still, from a feminist perspective fundamentally in this society girls/women are valued more for their appearance than any other aspect of their personality, skills etc.

This is damaging for an individual where their self-esteem needs to be bolstered by being attractive/available to boys as a teenager, through to at a society level where female politicans are berated for not meeting the female beauty standard. Why is this even relevant to their politics?

Lots of things women are expected to do to maintain/enhance their looks are significantly damaging to their health - what if the young girl isn't considered sufficiently beautiful - what measures should be taken?

it is more about being honest. she asks me if she is beautiful, and i tell her that she is. she is becoming self aware and is fascinated with herself. who she is, what kind of person she is and what she looks like.

i agree with you about intrinsic qualities, and she is more interested in the person she is, rather than what she looks like, but i think she needs some kind of yardstick. she will ask me who else is beautiful, or kind or funny or whatever, i think to understand that quality.

i do remember how seductive it can be to hear how beautiful you are, and usually what a crock of shit it is, and really don't want her to fall into that trap.

i am trying to think if i ever volunteer a compliment about her looks, and i think if i do it is more along the lines of 'oh that top looks good with those leggings - good idea dd', rather than 'you look wonderful tonight'.

It is difficult to avoid praising the clothes, but it can be useful to make it an "active" compliment - "those shoes must be good for dancing" - leads onto thinking more about what you can "do" rather than what you look like.

must try this on myself sometime

point taken.

i don't want this to be taken the wrong way but she is absolutely stunning, and it does worry me. she will get a lot of attention and i want her to be able to handle it, without having her head turned. she is starting to know herself or at least want to know herself, she needs to accept her looks in a matter of fact way.

Interesting, thanks for the contributions. Can't I let her know that I value her for something other than her appearance and that I think she's beautiful?

Of course you can Dita.

(How are things going with her now? It's been a while since I've seen you posting about her somewhat challenging behaviour? Are things still good )

Belle - none of that is relevant to knowing your parents think you are beautiful.

Looking at it the other way, why are you (we) so invested in using beautiful as synonymous with "I love you".

Because we all know that in our society being beautiful counts for more than being say, kind, witty, clever. Any other talents on their own are not enough, even being a world class athlete - see all the threads about female Olympians and their looks.

So for those whose daughters are more on the plain side, "Mummy thinks you are beautiful" - is a consolation prize, that at least she matches up in someone's eyes and someone loves her.

What needs to happen in the feminist utopia is that other talents and skills are valued so that "beauty" is not the only true compliment and we can express our love for our children in other ways.

I tell DS (4.8) he is beautiful, he returns the compliment, bless him! And he accepts that statement.

However, oddly enough, he won't accept it when I tell him he has beautiful eyes - someone (MIL or her extremely annoying friend) has told him he can't have beautiful eyes because he's a boy so I "have" to call them handsome instead. Bugger that! Can't be doing with stupid gender stereotyping of adjectives.

(and I think Johnny Depp was a beautiful young man, as it happens )

Of course I do also tell DS that he's kind, helpful, clever, lovely etc, as well - but see no harm in telling him how beautiful he is to me.

I will always remember a mother I met, whose daughter had been born with a hare lip. When the operation was done to mend it, the mother said "She is beautiful now - well, she was always beautiful, but now she is glamorous too", and I have never forgotten that. Beautiful means inside - what shines from inside.

And to just counter Belle's argument for a second - my Mum never told me I was beautiful or pretty or anything until I was in my late twenties - which was a) a bit late and b) a real shock - I'd grown up thinking I was really plain and uninteresting.

I frequently tell the DDs they are beautiful. I can't really stop myself, because to me they are. I also praise kindness, courage, thoughtfulness and their spirit of adventure. I emphasise how strong and healthy they are and that they can do whatever they set their mind to. Beauty is one part of a package of things I love about them. I also tell them that I will carry on loving them regardless of their looks or achievements.

I'm an LP and they've seen me do DIY, I've taken them on holiday alone several times, worked FT to get into a new career etc. People regularly comment that they have got a good role model in me. So damn it, I will tell them they are gorgeous. DD2 tells me I am gorgeous when she wants a biscuit

I call my son beautiful, gorgeous all the time, never considered whether it was right or wrong. I just can't help it, he IS beautiful & usually the words pop out before I think about it!

He's only 2.5 though so hasn't got too many other character traits to comment on yet, but we do tell him he's good/clever etc

who is saying that beauty is the only 'true' compliment?

i agree with you Belle, that girls should be praised or complimented on their achievements and attributes, but if you are not complimented on your looks as a child it can have a detrimental effect on you as an adult.

if my dd was not beautiful i would find a tactful way of telling her that too. she needs the truth about herself, i would be remiss if i did not make her aware of the way she looks.

totally agree that looks are superficial.

I think it's really very difficult to take the personal is political line on this one. As much as I take Belle's point, we are living in a world that values beauty. Yes, that is wrong and, yes we need to emphasise our children's more important qualities, but to avoid commenting on a child's beauty is confusing in a world that values that trait so highly.

As others have said above, when parents do not tell their children they are beautiful, they grow up thinking they are not, which is damaging to their self-esteem when wider society deems that so important.

We are not in a situation yet where comments on visual appearance are simply statements of fact. For many (girls in particular) those comments are statements of worth. This is, of course, wrong, but while it is a fact of life, I would be uncomfortable trying to change the world at the expense of my children's self-esteem.

I would prefer to tell my children that they are beautiful, while emphasising that there are other things about them that are more important: 'Yes, you are beautiful, but I am more proud of your brains / strength / kindness'

Also, as I have said above, I do see a difference between beauty and what is 'pretty' and I think we need to reclaim the word. We can only do that by using the beautiful label for less conventional qualities. My DD's pale skin and freckles are beautiful and I would like her to accept that. If we stop commenting completely we risk children getting their messages on beauty from elsewhere and reaching the conclusion that their less-than-conventional qualities make them less beautiful.

No - I tell DS1 and DS2 they are beautiful. I also explain that being beautiful means being a good person inside too and having a big heart and lovely nature

I don't know if I agree with that, Lifeissweet - I grew up in a family where appearance was considered very unimportant, and don't remember ever having been told I was beautiful (though my parents would compliment me if I dressed up nicely for an event or whatever).

I internalised their values, which meant that until the age of 17 or 18 I dressed like an absent-minded tramp, but it also meant I spent minimal time fretting about my appearance and lots of time climbing trees, reading books, playing music etc etc. As an adult I realised that I needed to make a bit of effort with my appearance for social/professional reasons, but it is still a long way down my list of priorities.

I don't have children myself, but always find it odd when I hear people repeatedly telling their children they're beautiful... little children don't really have a concept of beauty and I don't see why it's helpful to make a big thing of it (though of course if they're worried about their appearance one should reassure them). Isn't it better to compliment children on things they do rather than things they are?

Again, I entirely agree with you, Mooncup. I speak as someone who was brought up exactly as you were. In my house out appearance was of little or no importance and I still spend no money on clothes and can rarely be bothered with make-up. However, I also had a very naturally beautiful sister and, although my parents never commented on it, we were constantly told how beautiful she was by everyone we ever met (it felt to me). I think it would have gone a long way to helping my own self-esteem if I had been given the sense that I had things about me that were appealing at least.

Incidentally, my sister is also braver, more talented, brighter, more musical, more sporty...so emphasising my other qualities was never going to help with that either.

It has caused me problems in relationships. My confidence in my appearance is rock bottom and I can't accept compliments. I just feel ugly and I can try to persuade myself that it doesn't matter because there are more important things, but I can't help feeling extremely depressed about it at times. I do think that if my parents had made me feel good about myself in that respect I would have been more comfortable in my own skin.

I know what you are saying is right and I completely agree. I just think that as well as giving the message that appearance is just one (and a rather unimportant) part of a person, we should also encourage the message that there is not one definition of beauty and that everyone is beautiful in their own way - whether that is just a smile that shines or an inner peace - or something.

I'm sorry you have had these experiences, Lifeissweet, and totally understand where you're coming from. Entirely agree that your parents (and, indeed, everyone's parents) should encourage the idea that everyone is beautiful in their own way, which isn't necessarily related to conventional aesthetics.