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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Am I wrong to tell DD she is beautiful?

62 replies

DitaVonCheese · 28/07/2012 13:28

First post on this board. Please be gentle.

Am I wrong to tell DD she is beautiful? I also tell her that she is funny and kind and clever and lots of other things (is it bad to tell her these things too? ) and that I'd still love her even if she looked like a Gruffalo.

I just want her to be happy in her skin. And also she is beautiful

OP posts:

Original poster

DitaVonCheese · 28/07/2012 13:28

Oh she's 3, nearly 4.

OP posts:

fortyeighthourdancemarathon · 28/07/2012 13:31

I say the same to ds, so I would say it's fine

Cassettetapeandpencil · 28/07/2012 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trikken · 28/07/2012 13:34

Id say its fine. Its only worrying if it is bring emphasised over every other quality your child has I think.

SirBoobAlot · 28/07/2012 13:36

I tell DS he is beautiful. Along with kind, brave, friendly, funny, caring, loving, gentle, polite and various other things that are just how he is. So no, I don't think you're wrong :)

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 28/07/2012 13:52

Pretty much what other people have said.

I have DSs and a DD - if I complimented DD solely on her looks and DSs on their talents/character then there would be issues. I do both instead, and then I balance it out by reminding them that they're evil little buggers monsters on occasion too

ScorpionQueen · 28/07/2012 14:23

I think it's important to tell your children they are beautiful, inside and out. It is only when physical beauty is the only thing people are valued for it becomes an issue.

I admit to being very shocked at DDs leaving ceremony when the children's qualities were being praised and one girl was praised for always being well dressed and having nice hair. If that had been my child I would have been really annoyed, but the mother of the child (also always immaculate) seemed pleased. My inner feminist had a cats bum mouth but I bit my tongue (until I got home then told DH all about it).

CharminglyOdd · 28/07/2012 15:28

No. My Dad has always called me beautiful and even though I know he is biased hearing 'you're beautiful' on a regular basis has actually reinforced my self-esteem. I have struggled with an eating disorder and depression over the years and he has pretty much been a constant voice of love and reassurance (DM has been there too but isn't into vocal affection).

Dad can be sexist and I am a bit of a strident feminist but his opinion is (like yours) wrapped up in parental pride. Whatever outdated opinions he may have about women, when it comes to me and DSis he thinks we can kick anyone's arse (literally and metaphorically ) and that is the spirit in which I take his comments. I am a bit sleep-deprived but I hope that made some sense :)

Lucyellensmum99 · 28/07/2012 15:36

You would be wrong not to. I am not beautiful, but my DDs are - i am very proud of them both. There is a difference between beauty and piling on the slap and being vain.

RobinSparkles · 28/07/2012 15:45

No, I think that it's important to try and help them to feel happy (well, comfortable at least) in their own skin.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with telling a child that they are beautiful. I tell my DDs that they are beautiful every day, because they are.

jollyrancher · 28/07/2012 15:48

Lifeissweet · 28/07/2012 15:53

I tell my DS he is beautiful every day. He is. I tell my DD the same. She also is. I don't tell them that they are beautiful because of what they look like. I don't compliment them on their pretty faces or perfect skin, I tell them they are beautiful because when I look at them they make my heart sing and that, to me, is what beauty is.

So, no. No problem with that at all.

Original poster

DitaVonCheese · 28/07/2012 16:23

Fab, thank you :)

OP posts:

ciderpenguin · 28/07/2012 17:17

I tell my DSs that they are beautiful and gorgeous because they are. But their beauty goes beyond their looks.

I have the issue or question about telling a child they are clever - is this appropriate praise for a recent achievement rather than making them believe they are "gifted" when this may not be the case??

ComeonComeon · 28/07/2012 17:22

I have wondered this. I have a baby DS and always greet my NCT friends' baby girls with 'hello beautiful girl!' then cringe at myself.

I do call DS beautiful too though about a million times a day

Original poster

DitaVonCheese · 28/07/2012 18:07

Yes, I try to call DS beautiful too. And I try to praise effort rather than results and couch it as "You must be really proud of yourself" rather than "I'm really proud of you".

OP posts:

Inneedofbrandy · 28/07/2012 20:25

I told my DD shes beautiful everyday since about 1, I heard french women have that told to them everyday since birth and thats why they are so poised and confident in themselves. That could be a load of crap but cannot harm although my DD whos now going on 7 will tell everyone that shes beautiful and she prances about in mirror fluffing her hair up and the like.

VivaLeBeaver · 28/07/2012 20:39

I tell my dd she's beautiful, also tell her when she's been brave, kind, etc.

She's 11 now and sometimes has some wobbles over self confidence. I do think its part of our role as parents to help them to be confident and believe in themselves. Believe me when they get to dd's age there are enough girls at school telling them they're ugly etc, you need to counter balance the bitching!

4boyzmum · 28/07/2012 20:44

I constantly tell all my DS's - ages from 2 to 13 y/o that they are beautiful. When i get youngest 2 from bed on a morning my greeting is 'hello gorgeous boys!'

BulletProofMum · 28/07/2012 20:45

Why wouldn't you?

I tell all my children - especially my daughter is is dreadfully scarred

EclecticShock · 28/07/2012 21:24

I tell my ds he is beautiful, I don't think there's anything wrong wih calling someone beautiful.

BelleDameSansMerci · 28/07/2012 21:30

Me: You're very beautiful.
DD: I know.

My work here is done...

Seriously, I have all sorts of self esteem issues to do with not feeling loveable, etc and I didn't want that for my daughter. I made sure that DD (4.10) knows that she is loved and also that she beautiful, clever, brave and a chatterbox. She is all those things and is confident in them all.

nearlythereyet · 28/07/2012 21:42

Of course you should tell she's beautiful, as long as you do it all the time. It would be very sad if a child was only told of their beauty when they've got on a "pretty" dress, have their hair up in bunches, are wearing a necklace etc. I tell my 2yo daughter she's beautiful even when she is plastered in yoghurt and snot.

ArthurandGeorge · 28/07/2012 21:48

I told dd a bedtime story based on her day almost every night. I told her she was kind, clever, helpful, cheerful, beautiful and lovely. She is a bit old for them now but I tell ds the same for his bedtime story. I worried about the beautiful part bug thought how important it is to know that someone thinks you are beautiful.

BelleCurve · 29/07/2012 20:23

Yes, it is wrong to tell your daughter she is beautiful (although I'm sure she is).

From a feminist perspective, what you need to do is give her an understanding that you value her for something other than her appearance, when she is/will be bombarded by a culture that tells her girl's/women's only value is in their appearance/sexual availability.

parentables.howstuffworks.com/family-matters/how-do-we-respectfully-teach-young-girls-about-beauty.html

Alternatively turn the focus away from what she looks like or even how "good" she is (which can often be code for demure, quiet, submissive) and concentrate on how strong, fast, active she is. Or ask her what she is reading, thinking, doing etc.

Society views women primarily as decoration and it is our job as feminists (and I assume that is why you posted in this section) to concentrate our attention on what girls/women do and think.

This article gives some good hints

www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html

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