Fighting the battle at home....

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

Last night i was trying to teach my 6yo dd and 7yo ds to sew. I think this is a useful life skill. Ds was really struggling, and dh said its ok, you don't have to do it if you don't want to, you are a boy and boys don't have to sew. Cue volcanic eruption from me. Why don't boys have to sew? Because girls can? What a crock of shit. He does sometimes come out with shit like this to wind me up, not because he actually thinks it particularly, but we do like having a good old feminist/chauvenist argument, but I don't like it when he spouts stuff like that in front of the kids who don't know a joke from a serious comment.
Anyhow, we then had a very heated discussion because he said men sewing was demeaning, and I said not as demeaning as having to wait for a woman to come along and do it for him! He walked off muttering but later came to apologise for having got so cross, apparently it annoys him when I'm always right.

I will teach both my kids to cook, clean, iron and keep house, I will also teach them both to DIY, decorate, use a drill, change a car wheel, check oil etc so they are self sufficient and not in need of anyone to do stuff for them.
My mum and dad taught me all of the above, and i can honestly say i have never "needed" a man for anything other than companionship and obviously sex. This is how i think it should be.

I think you have to just keep going as you are - sounds like you are doing an excellent job - and address these things as they come up. My dh can be a bit similar - he is not very impressed with my new found feminist leanings. But I don't intend to give in.

Isn't your partner going to teach them anything or are you going to do it all?

What message does that send?

I'm a single-dad, I'm teaching my children how trivial housework is, do the bare minimum and never iron.

You are doing the right thing. Point DH to the fact that marriages where the DHs do more housework are less likely to result in divorce.

Also, kudos on teaching your DDs how to change a tyre. I still can't change one because I have relied on my DF and it makes me feel ashamed of myself.

Dh will be teaching them to cook and wash the clothes, whilst I'm perfectly capable of doing both I don't enjoy either, he enjoys cooking and doesnt mind washing. DIY is more my thing!
Changing a wheel is really easy, loosen the nuts with the socket tool before jacking up, as you need quite a bit of pressure for this and once jacked up the wheel can move making it harder. Next jack your car up using the nearest jacking point to the flat tyre. Once jacked up, remove all the nuts starting with the bottom one, then the side 2 then the top one last. Put your leg against the wheel as you take the top Nut off to keep the wheel on the bolts. Now carefully drop the wheel off the bolts, wheel it round to the boot and get the spare out. Lift the spare onto the bolts, this is the hardest bit, as it's heavy. As soon as its on, put your top bolt on, then the bottom, then the sides. Tighten all of them one after the other, then tighten again. Let your jack down and tighten the nuts again as tight as you can. put spare wheel and tools back in boot. Job done.

Your DH must lead a sheltered life if he thinks all tailors are women.

I would feel deeply saddened by a comment suggesting that any task or responsibility commonly associated with women would be "demeaning" if a man were asked to do it. It's an insult to those men who do what they want to do rather than because they think what's in their pants is more important than what's in their heads and hearts. It's also shows little regard for the value of women and girls, if it's acceptable for them to undertake "demeaning" tasks but that men and boys are "above that."

He feels the need to wind you up and put you down when you are right about things? Geez, does he think he's entitled to think and do something that's wrong, just because he's a bloke?

It sounds as though you are doing the right things for your children, to help them be true to the people that they are, not constricted by gender stereotypes. But it does sound as though your DH is trying to undermine that, which means it's always going to be a struggle.

Working around him is one way of trying to make sure things are different for your kids, but is there any chance of a proper heart to heart with him, to explain why you are not happy with his comments, the message these send about how little he seems to value you and your daughter, how it hurts you, how it could be hurtful to both your children, that sort of thing? Or do you think he'll just brush it off as you being over the top or nagging? Do you feel he really has a grasp of sexual inequality in wider society?

Wishing you all the best in whatever you do on this.

does your DH want your DS to be a cub or scout?

They have to learn to sew to pass one of their badges.

Bear Grhyles (sp) knows how to sew in case he needs it in an emergency.

Its as simple as that.

all knowledge is usefull, and all men should be able to look after themselves.
nothing worse than a man who cant cook an egg because he came from a traditional background.

i can sew, even with a machine, OH is allways getting me to repair her clothes ( this has more to do with the fact that i used to repair sewing machines for a living, i have no real sewing skills, but i can just about sew in a straight line)

but even when i was about 12 i was hand sewing ACDC patches ( blushes) onto my brand new denim jacket.

Remind him all the the top male fashion designers, Gaultier, Dolce and Gabana etc, how does he think they started!

Thing is, he doesn't have to sew if he doesn't want to, and the same is true for your daughter. Nothing to do with sex. Shame that your husband didn't stop at "You don't have to if you don't want to" but stuck the sexist cobblers at the end.

I'd go apeshit if my husband said anything like that to our daughters (and then I'd check whether he'd been abducted by aliens and replaced with a weird clone, because I know he agrees with me on stuff like that)

< hijack >

rogersmelly - what are they sewing? My 8yo DS wants to make a teddy bear but I don't know if that's a bit much for a novice (he's never sewn properly and I can do needle-and-thread sewing but have never made a teddy bear!)

UptoapointLordCopper

Have you got a hobby craft? They do kits for soft toys with everything already cut and with instructions.

that would really piss me off, any skills are good.
i remember my bro fixing his trouser hems once before school, (BIGGG stitches, but still!) and ironing his own shirts. what is demeaning about wanting to look good and not having to ask your mum for everything???
anyway what about Rambo sewing up his arm in First Blood/?
I have taught s and d to iron a shirt, (no more), wire a plug, use the launderette, and check the oil and top up the steering fluid. and cook.
my ex husband used to really piss me off when he told dd that those lego figures (you know, the ones with a ball and socket thing going on) were not suitable for her to play with...grrrrr.

DH is pretty handy with a needle and thread.

He considers being able to fix things made of fabric as important as being able to fix the car or do simple plumbing.

His independence and ability to look after himself is very sexy.

We will definitely be teaching our girls to be self-sufficient and capable in the way his mother taught him. If we had boys we'd do the same.

"I'm a single-dad, I'm teaching my children how trivial housework is, do the bare minimum and never iron."

That's the message my Mum taught me.

It's a stupid attitude.

Being able to look after yourself efficiently is not trivial, it's an important part of being an adult in the world.

Thinking it's beneath you doesn't reduce the workload, it just increases the sense of burden.

Far better to tackle the work with a can-do attitude and get it done quickly with no bellyaching.

I Love the AA www.theaa.com/motoring_advice/breakdown_advice/got-a-flat.html

'"I'm a single-dad, I'm teaching my children how trivial housework is, do the bare minimum and never iron."

That's the message my Mum taught me.

It's stupid attitude'

Women have been sold this idea that housework is important, and waste far too much time on it, and judge each other on the cleanliness of their houses.

I'm not wasting my life on the war against germs

I'm a fan of Germaine.

www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=2010%5C01%5C27%5Cstory_27-1-2010_pg3_4

i think germaine is barking up the wrong tree there, no opne cleans the toilet every day and the army of machines, dryers, washing machines hoovers etc reduce the housework. fact is housework is a nessesary evil, you either do it or you live in a dirty house.

the competition between some poeple about who has the cleanest house is a cultural blind ally and best ignored. doesnt mean rebelling agaisnt that mean the hoovering doesnt need doing.

"Women have been sold this idea that housework is important, and waste far too much time on it, and judge each other on the cleanliness of their houses."

Yeah, women, we're so easy to fool.

Well my mother grew up in a house with staff. I think that's why she thinks housework is optional.

Similar to lots of men really - just expect to have stuff done for them.

I don't judge anyone on the cleanliness of their house, but still there is housework to be done in my (messy) house if we want to wear clean clothes and eat off clean plates.

There is nothing to be gained by pretending that doing that work is beneath me. My husband doesn't. He just gets on with it. Quickly, efficiently, without complaint.

I find that admirable. Rather than the begrudging resentfulness that comes more naturally to me.

Does he think that the vast array of very successful male fashion designers find their jobs demeaning? And no, they're not all gay!

My dh spent his late teens/early 20s in the merchant navy, where you had to fend for yourself, and "domestic" chores such as cooking, or laundry were done by other men. He is pretty good around the house and does his own ironing etc, but he doesn't do the organising/shopping/bill paying bit. But then, i would rather go shopping than hoover or iron shirts.

pinkyredrose

"Remind him all the the top male fashion designers, Gaultier, Dolce and Gabana etc, how does he think they started!"

Then he'll Google those names and find out they're all homosexual. The odds are he won't find this encouraging.

I certainly think housework is mostly a waste of time and I will teach DS to do the bare minimum (only clean things when they are dirty, for instance) but I am teaching him that it's everyone;s job to do it and basic competence is necessary.

helxi they're not all gay and even if they were so what?

Sewing is demeaning to men? Does he think that all the many many sailors through the centuries who have spent their time at sea sewing and doing craft were emasculated? My great uncle was in the RN and he used to sew beautifully.

Maybe you should tell him that there is nothing more of a turn off than a man who can't do things for himself, and has to turn to mummy (or worse his wife) to do them for him. My DH is completely self sufficient he had to be, he taught himself how to sew, cook, iron, change a tyre etc. There was no one else to show him he was living on his own at the age of 17. There's nothing sexier than a man who can multi-task and do things like sew and cook whilst being ace at DIY as well.

my dd was also in the navy also and could sew and knit beautifully.