Quitting my job, moving to suburbs, having a 2nd kid… help save me from becoming a Stepford Wife!

[SkaterGrrrrl]

Ok now that my flippant thread title has your attention, let me back-pedal a bit! I don?t think SAHMs / women who live outside cities / mothers of two are Stepford Wives. But I am a bit worried about this move and what it will mean for my career and my sense of self as a person and a feminist.

A friend pointed out to me that this is a good move for my family, my husband and for SkaterGrrrl-the-Mother, but advised me to make sure I hold onto SkaterGrrrl the person.

What I am asking for is advice on how retain a bit of the old me, despite the big change in my circumstances and my life becoming more centred on home and family.

For example in London I go to a feminist book group, so maybe I should look out for one in my new neighbourhood (or start one). Or volunteer for a charity to keep my CV alive (don?t know how realistic this is with a toddler and a newborn who will arrive within 3 months of moving).

Anyone been there, done that and can tell me I'm worrying about nothing? Or pass me a biscuit & tell me to stop naval gazing?

The internet will be your lifeline

We moved to quiet-place-outside-of-London, def Stepford wives territory, when I went to the NCT coffee mornings (I know, I know) all the interiors of all the houses were identical, and they all had china cabinets with glass fronts, and cream carpets and small children.... it was like being in an alternate reality . They thought I was very odd because I wasn't Mrs HisName.

On the plus side my kids have loved it, we have space, huge garden and it's not that long a journey to get back up to London to see friends.

Definitely do things to keep your CV up to date - I spent 10 yrs juggling children and bits of a career / studying before getting back to work seriously. Now can support myself and offspring, useful as himself went off with a younger model :)

Friends online definitely kept me sane, I've belonged to one online women's group for 18 yrs (yes the internet was invented then!). I really don't regret leaving London, but life is very different here.

Catsrus that is just what I was hoping to hear, in fact I felt my shoulders drop 2 inches reading your post.

Right, will cyberstalk befriend like-minded people online (the Mumsnet feminist section already feels like my community) and keep my CV ticking over as I am certain I want to go back to work when the kids are a bit bigger.

I am focusing on the positives (we can afford a house with a garden, closer to grandparents, brilliant schools etc) - but part of me still feels a bit wary about giving up so much that is important to me; particularly my support network of amazing female friends and my lovely job as the commute is out of the question.

I have ties to a charity already where I think I will be able to do some writing/editing stuff from home so will try line that up.

Skatergrrrrl -

I made that move (although self employed/work from home).

The burbs can be great for bringing up kids. I do love it in many ways, but I do also see the pattern where it cuts women off from the action of city life - and it is a bit stepfordy. Days go by where no one talks of anything else but extension building and school places.

I think if you are going to be there you have to embrace it a bit - find friends and kindred spirits, don't just live on the Internet. Even amongst the most matchy-matchy houses you find funny and feisty women.

Keep your links to London alive - it can be great to have a "good excuse" like a course which means you will be in London one day: night a week regularly, or some ongoing freelance work that gets you back without a daily commute (... And that means you and your DH get into the habit e.g. of him having to leave work early one day a week because of your course),

Think about what you will do in the longer term - the thing about the suburbs is it is hard to go back, so if the commute is a no-go for you think about other options - freelancing, finding more local work etc...

That said, enjoy it, and don't despair it isn't the end of life as you know it!

Also - don't be shocked at the lack of public services. For under 5s it is all church hall groups and NCT in many places.

Sooty skater. - but as I said, no regrets at all about the decision, it was definitely right for the dcs, and I've loved having the space and seeing stars at night not streetlights - but go into it with eyes wide open and strategies for coping :)

Perhaps tell us why you are giving up your job and not your husand and if it's because he earns mroe how is that so and how can you ensure that does not happen with any of your daughters and why you think you will enjoy being economically dependent on a man and why you think that is the right thing to do in feminist terms?

My first reaction is to take off the rosy-tinted stereotypes of what non-city life is like. If you do not cut out the expectation of thick yokels now, then you will be (rightly) shunned.

Xenia I am leaving my job for 2 reasons

(1) I am 21 weeks pregnant (one of the big reasons for moving house in the first place).

(2) because the commute will be out of the question ? it will be 2 hours each way from our new house. Some people in my office do commute that long, but I have a 20 month old and another due at the end of the summer. I don?t want to get home at 7.30 every night after they?re in bed. I went back to work after DC#1 but as my office is close to home I could pick her up at 5.30 every day.

As I said in my post above ?I am certain I want to go back to work when the kids are a bit bigger? and the timeline I have in my head is when DC2 is 3. I intend to look for a job in our new area, or at the very least, in the part of London that is a short commute rather than across town.

An excellent point about being financially dependant on a man and part of what is making me feel uneasy about the move. My mother had 2 husbands, one of whom left her for another woman, the other had a weakness for get-rich-quick schemes and was declared bankrupt several times over. Mum was a teacher and she put food on the table. The least feminist woman you ever met taught my sister and I some good feminist lessons and we have always worked hard and for example, owned our own properties independently before getting married.

In my head I expect this to be like my maternity leave last year - a break at home with very young children and then back to work (of course this time will be about 3 years not one year).

QueenEdith, I didn't call anyone a thick yokel?

Why don't you stay living nesar your work and just crush into it and why is it you and not your husband giving up work? He might be better doing the childcare than you and enjoy it more.

Presumably as in most jobs it may be very very hard to go back to the same level as before and for 30 years henceforth your career may be shot to pieces whereas keeping your job albeit with difficult circumstances for the next 3 years - the period you expect to be out of the labour market might be worth the 2 hour commute to secure your financial position for the 30 years after that? Could you not suggest to your employers that you work from home?

Good luck with the pregnancy. I worked to 40 weeks and took two weeks off for each baby and that worked pretty well, went back full time and it's gone fine.

What makes you think you will enjoy your life being centred on home and family? Most people don't. 70% of women return to work in 1 year to 18 months in the UK.

May be you could avoid all contact with housewives (they can be very dull and best avoided) and spend the time starting a business from home over the next 3 years. That might be more fun. If that works that could earn you more than your last salary. if it does not you can still try to return to work in 3 years.

Thanks Himalaya especially the bit about finding funny and feisty women where ever you go. I have actually signed up for NCT in the hopes of making friends in the area and I?m sure I will meet some great people. As for facilities for kids, I went to a city farm the other week and thought ?30 kids chasing one harassed looking goat around a tree? really??.

Fantastic idea about a doing a course or a days freelance in town. Am already talking with DH about carving out some selfish time for me to make up for the things I will be sacrificing. Maybe that will be one night a month in London to continue attending my ?wine-- book group :) , or a few hours at the weekend to write or join a meditation group or a running club or whatever.

We live in the suburbs and DW is a SAHM to our 2 DCs. She is doing a diploma on something she's really passionate about and all our friends are feisty feminists. Not sure why they wouldn't be?

"Why don't you stay living near your work and just crush into it and why is it you and not your husband giving up work?"

All good questions.

When I got pregnant we decided to move from a flat to a house. Our flat (and my office) is in a part of London where we can?t afford a house. At the same time our parents were putting us under pressure to move closer to them with another grandchild on the way. We looked in the area and realised a small house with a garden and excellent schools would be really good for the kids.

So the move is what?s best for our family but not necessarily what?s best for me (well, my career) - which I stated in my OP and is one of the reasons I started this thread looking for advice.

Why isn?t DH leaving his job? I am leaving work as I breastfed DC1 for 10 months and want to do the same for the next baby so it?s important to me to take a year off. Having said that I haven?t actually resigned from work ? the official line is that I am going on maternity leave for a year. So there is still room to consider that I take a year out on maternity leave and DH then takes time out for a year following that. By the way he is totally up for doing his share of childcare: when I went back to work after DC1, he worked compressed hours (four long days with day 5 off) so he could have one day a week at home with DD while I was at work.

You can dress it up as you like, but the truth is that once a person is used to earning money (from those on minimum wage to the top earners, it doesn't matter: the principle is the same) it is very hard and soul-destroying to give it up. Maternity leave is different because there is light at the end of the tunnel, but to just give up a job will erode a person's self-esteem.
Relying on somebody else to buy your knickers is awful. Carers don't have this issue because they have a job looking after others, but when you're just a housewife, it is different.
Take it from one who knows. Going back to work made me how realise how miserable it was to rely on somebody else for money. Because it is. I suppose I am a middle-income person, but, no matter, going to work at a minimum wage job would STILL have boosted my self-esteem.
Don't give up your ability to make money, you will be making a huge mistake.

Actually giving up work is easy, dealing with the misery it brings is the hard bit.

The trouble is she's already decided so not much use our telling her she'll hate it.

I breastfed 5 chidlren including twins all for 1 - 2 years and worked full time frmo when they were 2 weeks so breastfeeding is not a reason not to carry on working.

You haven't resigned. You are officially and legally on maternity leave so when after a few months you are fed up to the back teeth with it all you can go back out there and work again, may be even you could work 3 days a week in London and put up with the commuting and the other 2 days at home if that works or rent a cheap room for a few nights a week in London whilst your husband does a lot of childcare.

I was 100% ready to go back to work after a year's maternity leave last time round - and loved having adult conversation, a salary and being me for a few hours a day rather than "being mummy". So maybe I will keep it to a year this time round. I'd like to look for a job closer to home though - a long commute is soul destroying and I want to read my kids a bed time story. Just to clarify where we are moving too is a do-able commute from London - but my present job isn't as its on the very edge of London and in the opposite direction to where we are moving.

That's actually a great suggestion to go back part time. 3 days a week is like a magic trick, where you are at work more often than you're not and you're at home more often than not.

hermioneweasley I am delighted to hear the stereotype doesnt always hold true (just as an someone starting an opposite thread would be relieved to hear that moving to a big city doesn't mean unfriendly people and a mugger on every corner).

Can I really justify doing another degree though ...

Don't go back to London for running club though! Running in the suburbs is much better and a good way to meet people.

Don't call time you are spending pursuing your own interests 'selfish time'. This is setting up a dynamic that is contrary to what you say you want to achieve.

We are in the suburbs and I am desperate for some like-minded friends. Where are you moving to?

I agree with AliceHurled.

The reason why you get so much more for your money (space, garden, good schools) in the suburbs is that the market for small/mid family houses is generally driven by one earner families, because the commute makes two city earners too painful for many families to contemplate. (...and the worse the commute, the bigger the discount...)

In other words the big discount compared to the city is paid for by you, and your willingness to put your career on hold. So whatever you do to stay sane, keep your connections, build yourself an on-ramp for 2-3 years time is not 'selfish time' its part of the economics of living in the suburbs.

I would see if you could start a small business rather than do another degree if you were choosing between the two options.

wamster - you are describing your feelings about work, but they are not universal. I think self-esteem is often about how much value you think you add to the world at large. For some people, they might feel they were destroying value at work (because their job involved making or doing something they didn't personally value) but adding value by being a SAHP, being a great spouse/parent and getting involved in projects in the community and/or wider society where they could make a big difference.