"I'm really pretty, aren't I mummy?" - correct parental response is...?

[TheMightyMojito]

This from my 3yo. My instant reaction was "oh no, I'm raising a vain/big-headed child!", followed by "I should tell her something like it doesn't matter what you look like" followed by "actually, why should I raise her to be self-effacing, why not let her be confident in her looks?" In the event, I said "yes you are" and gave her a hug. Because to me, obviously, she's beautiful. And who is to judge what 'pretty' is anyway?

I'm over-thinking this, I know, but is that the best line to take? I don't want DD to think her value rests solely on her looks... although she's already got the idea that wearing make-up and dresses makes you 'pretty'. I think today's comment was provoked by the wearing of a new hairband... She's in a phase of saying "I'm really xxxx, aren't I?" be it 'brave', 'clever', whatever. I don't want to undermine her confidence, but do I need to play it down more, or emphasise looks don't matter (which feels pretty hollow as in day to day society they clearly do) or make her aware how it can sound like 'unseemly bragging' to other people? If so, how? I'm posting this in Feminism (first-time poster here, be gentle!) as to me it is a feminist issue - there are so many messages she's going to be bombarded about what she 'should' look like, I don't know how to give her the inner resource to keep her self-esteem intact in the face of all that.

Hey, welcome to the message board!

It is a tricky one I think. I didn't grow up in the UK, but I have observed that amongst both male and female colleagues and friends, they were brought up to believe it was important to be modest, to be self-effacing, to not be too proud or big-headed. I agree it's not wise to encourage a child to develop an over inflated sense of themselves and their entitlement. However, what I've noticed is that there are many adults who lack confidence, who feel they should say they aren't good at something, who think blowing their own trumpet is bad. I think this tends to be worse for women as society in general values their achievements less than those of men (the case in most societies, I mean.)

The one area where women are "allowed" to excel seems to be in attractiveness, so it's a difficult balance between not wanting to sap a child's confidence, but not wanting them to see their appearance as the limit of their value as a human.

My suggestion perhaps would be not to undermine her observation (or what she's probably been told by others, particularly well-meaning adults,) but to draw attention to other abilities and talents that she is good at, or even areas she's not good at but could get better at if she worked more.

So often when I'm working with young girls, they'll say, "oh, I'm not good at sports/maths/public speaking/games/art/etc. and I try to say in response something like, "but that means you can get better if you work at it," or "you may not be good yet but you can be."

I would just say yes. But then in general I compliment both DS and DD on their cuteness and attractiveness - lovely lamb, angel and so on. It wouldn't come naturally to me to compliment my children on their innate similarity to einstein or whoever. But then that is because to me beauty and loveliness are something that all children have, while being clever is something you go out and work at and do.

The issue for me then would be a roundedness when complimenting DD or DS on things they actually do, that I would focus on things like kindness, intellectual skills, creative ability etc rather than focus primarily on how pretty a dress was or a hair cut was all the time.

I have the same worries about my DD, who's a bit younger at 30 months. I hate it when people compliment her on her looks, since it is creating the expectation that she will be judged on her looks and that this is important.

I think that if I were in your situation, I would reply along the lines of 'Yes, but you're so much more than just a pretty face', and try to emphasise some of her more important qualities (cleverness, kindness, etc). I agree with you that trying to discourage her from forming opinions about her appearance is the wrong way to go and is probably destined for failure, but getting it in perspective - i.e. showing her that prettiness is far less important than other qualities - might be worth a shot. At least, this is how I try to go about it with DD.

If you're on Facebook, there are a few good sites with information about this sort of thing:
www.facebook.com/7Wonderlicious
www.facebook.com/PinkstinksUK

There is a multi-million pound beauty industry entirely geared up to make women and young girls feel ugly and inadequate, the odd compliment is the least you can do as a Mother to help combat this negative influence :)

We worry to much in this country about being 'big headed', I read this quote when I was about 12 and decided to do away with self-depreciation (within reason!):

"We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

I think you should encourage her to be confident in every way at 3yo. I would certainly reply to my 4yo DD that yes, she looks lovely.

I also think that it is important to teach children how to take a compliment. A lot of women, when complimented on their appearance either deny that the compliment is true or then feel that the compliment has set a tone to what they are being judged on as a person (which is sometimes the case). I would teach the response of, 'thanks, how kind of you to say so' and then entirely change the topic of conversation on to something else to try and move the comment back into its place as being of no more importance to your value as a person than a comment about the colour you chose for your front door.

Yes

Thanks for all the responses! Just off to settle DS for his nap but will be back shortly once I've digested everyone's thoughts. :)

I'd say 'absolutely' - I like SeaHouses comments that being able to respond to a compliment is a good thing.
As long as you balance your praise to include other things that are not about looks, I can't see a problem - appropriate praise and approval will build self esteem.

'of course you are' is the correct response.

she should also 'notice beauty in others, even if its not 'tradional' beauty.

I tell my DD she is beautiful every day. I tell her that some of the drawings she does are beautiful. I also tell her that she is clever and kind and when she runs she runs so fast her legs are a blur!

sometimes (she is 8) we watched take me out. but we discussed... what do we think about him... he looks weird... why... well his clothes are different.... but what if he likes them... then thats ok

now lets see what hes like on the inside.... do youlike what he said?.. why not?

what abouth the girls? do you like her hairdo?... why?... what makes her nice?.... do you like what she is saying... does it match with what she looks like?

we also watch lots of movies where there is a beautiful girl who has loads of friends but who is instinsically mean.

i always warn her not to be one of those girls who are beautiful on the outside but mean on the inside, becuase beauty should go all the way through.

I dont care if i get flamed for this outlook. Your dd will get judged on her looks... that is a fact. so its your job to ensure that she sees that looking good isnt the only thing that is important. Feeling good about yourself is a very positive attitude. teach her to look through the veneer and see what people are like on the inside.

It matters not that your dd is or isnt pretty, but it is impotant that she feels pretty and she knows that being pretty isnt the sum of what you are.

I always just say "Inside and Out" with a big cuddle of course , too much explanation is always confusing and too complex for age and stage.
rasputin thanks for that.. a great post

whatsallthefuss sorry x posted.. that was not a flame

i didnt read it as a flame, your point was the same as mine, but yours was MUCH more to the point.

I expected to get flamed for the conversations about take me out

I say 'Yes you are, but you are also pretty creative, pretty fabulous, pretty marvellous, pretty clever, pretty great at climbing trees and pretty fast at running'

Katie Makkai performed a very powerful poem on this subject:

"You are beautiful, both inside and out DD."

That poem is so damn powerful, I love it, thanks for sharing r2peepoo

Yes, you are beautiful. Especially when you are so kind and generous and lovely.

correct answer 'Mummy thinks you are beautiful!'

the world is going to tear you children down sooner or later, give them the confidence to bear it...

Back again... This has given me a lot to think about, thank you. I'm glad most people agree that agreeing with DD that she is pretty was the right thing. I've been trying to think back, and I can't remember my parents ever telling me I looked pretty, I can always remember knowing I wasn't! My mum always told me looks didn't matter and it was what's on the inside that counted, but it never felt true (if looks don't matter, why was she still criticising my choice of wedding dress ten mins before I was due to go down the aisle?! Not that that still smarts years on...) Good point about teaching DD to take a compliment, I have had to learn how to take compliments in later life. I'll have to give her lots of compliments so she gets the practise!! But keeping 'looks' compliments in balance with 'values' compliments, and making sure she knows you can't judge the inside by the outside as several of you have said.

Also a timely reminded about using things we watch as a discussion point. It does annoy me that lots of things we watch/read have 'ugly' characters as 'baddies'. We haven't watched Toy Story yet, but that's got the 'mutant' toys that are nice, I may use that as an opportunity to talk about what's on the inside not always matching the outside.

Thanks all, it's been really helpful. :)

PS, and I love that poem, it actually got me teary-eyed.

My mum used to (and still does) tell me I looked lovely at really random times, like when I was wearing a tracksuit or had just been hiking and was covered in mud and sweat. She totally genuinely means it - she's totally uninterested in fashion, and for her 'happy and active' looks beautiful. It annoyed me as a teenager that she had no sense of style, but in retrospect I think it has made me very comfortable in my body image, because I don't feel I need nice clothes or makeup to look good. On the other hand, I now have no sense of style either!

Correct response is "Yes, you are absolutely gorgeous and I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world."

I tell my DS (5) that he is gorgeous inside and out; I would do the same if I had a daughter.

the response I would give is "Yes you ARE really pretty, and you're stong and clever too!"