Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Parenting a boy is a feminist minefield!

246 replies

MadameBoolala · 06/03/2012 09:32

I am a feminist.

I have one child, a 4 year old boy, and mainly post in conception as we have been ttc number 2 for 2 years without success now. However I am venturing onto these boards as I feel negatively judged today by someone, and my parenting is being called into question.

I won't have time to post again until I come back from work tonight- but I'm wondering aloud today if it's easier to be a feminist and a parent of a girl...

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameBoolala · 06/03/2012 16:39

I hope I won't have less influence Smellsliketeenstrop. But it's hard. What mean is that I have thus far just gone with what he wants and is drawn to in terms of toys etc. In toy shops and things. But I'm questioning myself today. I'm thinking maybe I have allowed myself to be sucked in by some of that stuff because it's aimed solely at boys, and maybe I should have questioned it more.

He's only 4. It's not too late!

OP posts:
onelittlefish · 06/03/2012 16:44

It is only a feminist minefield if you want it to be. You can look at it as the difference between boys and girls or you could look at it as the difference between individuals. No gender stuff (except for the fact they wear more blue than girls) just what they enjoy doing.

I am sure that most boys/girls have no concept of sexuality or differences until they get to school - my DC1 has pretended to breastfeed, change nappies and expressed an interest in the colour pink. However, he also likes trains, diggers and pretending to be a lion. I don't encourage him or discourage, he is only 3.

Ilovedaintynuts · 06/03/2012 16:47

I think the most interesting thing about raising a boy as a feminist is that you get a view from 'the other side'.
Obviously most have us have only ever been a woman so a son makes you question about what life is like growing up as a boy.
It tamed my feminism actually and I saw that feminism has its limitations and life has different challenges for both sexes (in the UK in the 21st century).

I have girls and a boy and see areas that my daughters have advantages over boys (education system, socially preferred).

I think it gives you balance as a person and as a feminist.

Original poster
MadameBoolala · 06/03/2012 16:47

This is where I'm coming from Immaculada. And of course DH wants to do stuff with DS that he enjoys too, and a lot of that is very traditionally male orientated.

But I don't want to buy stuff that's aimed at girls just to prove a point and moreover because he won't play with it and we don't have money to throw away on stuff that he's not interested in. We do lots of things together on my days off, we go out tp parks anf things, we go swimming, we cook sometimes (but he gets bored with that very easily) and he has just started to take an interest in drawing. Mainly monsters lately. I've even been feeling guilty about that today!

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameBoolala · 06/03/2012 16:49

onelittlefish My son is at preschool and it's only now that I can see the minefield. I wasn't worrying about all this stuff before.

daintynuts that was very reassuring, thank you.

OP posts:
TunipTheVegemal · 06/03/2012 16:54

That's interesting Ilovedaintynuts, I have two boys and it certainly hasn't tamed my feminism, it's made me more passionate about it - feminists have always said patriarchy hurts men too, and I agree it's interesting to see the other side, how masculinity is constructed starting with a pirate-themed babygro....

Original poster
MadameBoolala · 06/03/2012 17:03

But what I find frustrating in my circle is that if you put a girl in a pirate themed babygro everyone applauds. If I do the same then it's anti-feminist.

Actually if I did the same then DS would wonder what the fuck I was doing, as he's 4, but you know what I'm saying!

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameBoolala · 06/03/2012 17:04

And should I have put him in ballet dresses when he was 2? Is it too late?!

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 06/03/2012 17:16

I don't quite understand what the problem is really.

Stop seeing your child's choices, or your choices for them, as being solely based on your child's gender. So what that he's a boy?! If he likes and wants a certain toy, or is into a certain sport or hobby or interest, then allow him to experience that. Forget about whether society classes those activities or toys as for 'boys' or 'girls'.

Having a son who is really into something traditionally male doesn't go against anything that feminists stand for.

MavisG · 06/03/2012 17:16

Girls are allowed to dress 'as boys' because masculine is superior: they are aiming up. Boys have less freedom because they'd be lowering themselves.

(he may get a penchant for fairy or ballet dresses later but I don't think you should've put him in them at 2 at your own instigation - it should be the child's own choice. In our case I cheer inwardly and my partner sighs inwardly when our son chooses pink clothes but we both recognise it's his choice - and I accept my inward cheering has a shelf-life on it)

overmydeadbody · 06/03/2012 17:17

What do you mean? Do you mean if you pt your DS in something pirate themed people would disapprove? I don't get that. If people react that way while applauding someone else for letting a girl wear pirate themed clothes then they are clearly ignorant and don't understand feminism.

overmydeadbody · 06/03/2012 17:20

and even if our DSs conform to gender stereotypes as children, and wear blue and play football and climnb trees and burp and fart and laugh about it, doesn't mean we aren't raising them as feminists. They can do all those things and still be feminists.

~Just like girls can wear pink, like fluffy sparkly things, play with dolls and not like to get dirty and still be feminists.

The thing is, to educate them to respect all other people, regardless of those people's choices or anatomy.

othersideofthechannel · 06/03/2012 18:06

I agree with OMDB.
It's much more about what you model in your attitudes, opinions and the way you live your life rather than what interests DCs have.

I am concerned about this because DCs arrival more or less coincided with our move to France and DH becoming the higher earner for the first time in our relationship as I was only being able to find PT work, therefore I logically became the one who does more of the house and child work because I'm more present.

Fortunately we have plenty of friends who have a less traditional set up so DCs see men taking on bulk of childcare, women being the breadwinners and grandparent set ups where one grandfather is in charge of cooking and the other in grandfather in charge of the laundry so I'm hoping they'll see our set up as just one of many options.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 06/03/2012 18:44

Drawing is a great activity to encourage in your DS, Madame - a lot of boys get a bit left behind when it comes to learning to write because it's thought they don't tend to practice wielding a pencil as much as girls when younger. Partly because many boys (not all, by any means!!) prefer more active play or, if they are sitting still, prefer to do it in front of a video game or the TV (I'm aware this can equally apply to girls..!) - and partly because of a wide assumption that boys need to be more active and aren't encouraged to do as many things that involve sitting still and honing their fine motor skills (compared with girls) - like drawing. Who cares if it's monsters? The fact that he's enjoying drawing is great and will stand him in good stead when he's writing.

Original poster
MadameBoolala · 06/03/2012 19:00

Yes yes yes OMDB.

:) Thanks Inmaculada, I know I have been being overthinking it and a bit defensive because of the comments my friend made!

DH and I share so much of the childcare and the cooking, and he is better at cleaning than me so we're all good.

It's so silly that I inwardly applaud myself when he says something like he did this morning when I tied his scarf; 'oh I like it when you do it like that, it looks like Hermione Grainger's' (obsessed with HP at the moment)

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameBoolala · 06/03/2012 19:02

Sorry OMDB I meant to say, it's not really me that's been seeing it that way.. it's someone else and I was feeling very prickly and defensive about it this morning. This chat has unfurrowed my brow somewhat.

OP posts:
Nyac · 06/03/2012 19:43

"But what I find frustrating in my circle is that if you put a girl in a pirate themed babygro everyone applauds. If I do the same then it's anti-feminist."

Has that actually happened then?

rosy71 · 06/03/2012 20:18

I have 2 boys aged 7 and 4 so this is interesting to me. I have 2 sisters (and a brother) and always imagined having girls myself.

My boys are totally different. Ds1 has girls and boys as friends whereas ds2 has only ever had boys. Ds1 is happy to wear pink and doesn't like football although he does have certain other "boy" traits. Ds2 loves football and is very quick to gender everything. He recently spent 4 weeks in hospital. On his ward there were only male doctors and female nurses so he informed me one day that only boys could be doctors and girls had to be nurses. Ds1 quickly pointed out that the man who looked after him in A&E had been a man and that girls and boys could be whatever they wanted. Smile I don't know where the difference comes from. Confused

rosy71 · 06/03/2012 20:20

Ds1 quickly pointed out that the man who looked after him in A&E had been a man
Whoops! Ds1 quickly pointed out that the man who looked after him in A&E had been a nurse!

NinthWave · 06/03/2012 20:38

I've got two young boys (4.5 and 16 months) and have been thinking about this a lot over recent months. DS1 loves all things 'superhero' at the moment but I am bothered by how few positive female characters there are amongst the Spiderman/Batman/Transformers stuff. Already, at such a young age, he's being bombarded with 'boys do and girls watch' messages.

Happily, their father is also a feminist so I am crossing my fingers that between us we'll be able to raise a pair of decent human beings :)

Original poster
MadameBoolala · 06/03/2012 21:06

No it hasn't NYAC I was exaggerating somewhat to get a point across - sorry that wasn't clear (and not awfully complimentary to my friends either Blush )

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameBoolala · 06/03/2012 21:11

Just read a brilliant picture story at bedtime to DS that was satisfying for both of us and didn't offend my feminist principles either. Dh had picked it up from the library. We've been debating the point this evening.

That's really interesting Rosy. Nature vs nurture debate right there.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameBoolala · 06/03/2012 21:13

Sorry to go on - he's loving Harry Potter - some fab female characters who 'do' in that.

I'd love it if we could create a list somewhere - can anyone point me to a good blog?

OP posts:
Nyac · 06/03/2012 21:15

I was wondering, because it sounds like an anti-feminist stereotype Madame.

People are encouraged to stereotype their children, especially boys, and induct them into masculinity. It's hard to resist, but that isn't the fault of feminists.

Dustinthewind · 06/03/2012 21:17

'I am bothered by how few positive female characters there are amongst the Spiderman/Batman/Transformers stuff. Already, at such a young age, he's being bombarded with 'boys do and girls watch' messages.'

Which is why as a child I used to get the X-men comics. Girls get to do all sorts of stuff if they are in the team. Despite the fact they are X-women...