Is going grey a feminist statement?

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

I'm 44 and over the last year my hair has really started to go ..I have a 'mallen streak ' at the front and the top is peppered with random white hairs.
I don't mind and actually rather like my streak (it makes interesting stripes in my long hair)..it feels like the next stage of ME. However the number of comments I have received makes me wonder whether I'm being seen as 'abnormal' for not going down the 'female youth and beauty' norm?

I have had it implied that I should be colouring it for my husband (who is bald on top with a nifty short VERY grey beard that I love!) Other women..colleagues have been the worst. Personally I feel empowered by NOT being a slave to hair dye (I have coloured in the past and it was a drag). I never wear makeup or heels, and happy and confident in my 40s... but somehow allowing my hair to go grey seems to be a taboo subject!

If it IS a statement it's a good one as far as I am concerned but just wondered what others have experienced!

I quite like my grey hairs too, apart from anything else I have earned every one of them. I came by them honestly through surviving many stressful things! They were not cheap. And I like what you say about the next stage of ME, I feel stupid for enjoying the changes that come with ageing when all around me is mock and quite real horror.

But everyone always says 'you need to dye your hair' so I just do sometimes. Even though i hate the way it looks and the colour is always wrong. They never say I should wear make up or heels but somehow the grey hair is important enough to comment on.

I'm grey, got my Mallen streak in my twenties.
The only people that fuss about it and comment about dyes and colouring are female, and usually those that are very focused on their own appearance.
Having been at an all-female boarding school for a few years I am impervious to that kind of conformist pressure.
I don't see it as Feminist, I see it as me being comfortable with my choices despite the pressure from other women to be part of the anti-ageing flock. Because a lot of the women commenting about my grey hair probably feel they are feminists too. They are colleagues, working parents of the children I teach and probably a lot of other silent judges who don't actually say anything (Unless they are on a website)

'But everyone always says 'you need to dye your hair' so I just do sometimes'

Everyone? Or other women?

There are lots of examples - grey hair being just one of them - where the pressure to conform to standards of beauty come mainly from other women. But who sets those standards? Ultimately, the people at the top of the fashion/media industries are overwhelmingly male, even if a few particular figureheads are female.

Women are still judged both on merit and appearance in a way that applies far more than it does for men. It may be women themselves who decide the best way to respond to that pressure, but it is a reaction to a social expectation, not a driving force.

I don't shave for 80% of the year, I rarely wear heels, I wear minimal makeup and avoid high fashion, but I do dye my hair every 6 weeks because I hate my grey. I may be able to see the patriarchal driving force behind it (i.e. the connection between youth and beauty, but only when it comes to women apparently), but that doesn't mean I'm immune.

Don't confuse "letting nature take its course" (eg going grey, not removing body hair, getting fat, not wearing a bra etc) with "feminism". It is a common misconception to do so.

The most efficient jail is where the prisoners keep each other down and under control, minimising the need for intervention by the jailers.
There has to be some responsibility for the choices made, if fewer of us rolled over and submitted, then what was the norm would probably change.
It's a cop out in my eyes to blame the males in the fashion industry, we are sentient beings and not cattle, and there are no laws to control what we wear, other than the public decency ones.

I agree with you Bonsoir, it is about my own choices not being influenced by pressure from other women to conform. If I ever do dye my hair, it will be purple.

I agree with Bonsoir. I struggle with the idea that any change to one's appearance is pandering to the patriarchy.

Surely it's just up to the individual but should be the individual's genuine choice and not because they are pressured to conform?

Dope, I just haven't got round to dying it for a while!

Nope

Bonsoir, but if you're a feminist you have to at least wonder "How come men aren't under pressure to look youthful?"

Exactly, whether I choose to dye my hair (I don't) has nothing to do with feminism and everything to do with my own personal taste, which I have honed over many, many years now that I am ancient 45!

I think men are under similar "pressure" to women to look youthful. My DP, who is one year older than me, spends plenty of time on his appearance! That is for his own pleasure, for mine and for that of his family (who wants to live with a an unkempt slob? Not us!) as well as because that is what is the general benchmark expected in his life outside the home in society eg mostly at work, but also his peer group.

'Bonsoir, but if you're a feminist you have to at least wonder "How come men aren't under pressure to look youthful?"

Because they are under pressure to be tall, to achieve, to earn money and have a proper job. Although the pressure to look good has been steadily creeping in over the last 20 years. My boy knows what moisturiser and cleanser and exfoliating are at a personal level.

My DSSs, who are 14 and 16, go to the same hairdresser as I do and are generally careful about their appearance (though they are of course young and still learning, and have youth on their side).

To me an unkempt slob is overweight, scruffy or no haircut, grubby and stained clothing as a choice not as a consequence of job or hobby and low standards of personal hygiene.
Nothing to do with hair colour.

ninjasquirrel - but is that really so? Is there really no pressure on men to look groomed? Maybe by different means (plus they're 'forbidden' to do some things if they want to be accepted, e.g. nail painting), but there's still pressure.

I also remember the huge ridicule the former German chancellor Schroeder got for dying his hair (which had denied because he was embarassed) - noone bats an eyelid when woman does, it indeed it is almost expected, but I don't think this translates as that there is only pressure on women - it's a different pressure.

Don t think it is a feminist issue.

Men, even successful men, often colour their hair, they fret about baldness and receeding hairlines as much or even more than women. Even unlikely people like Rob Brydon dye their hair, Rooney had hair implants etc.

My dh is not into his looks, but he frets a lot more about ageing than I do.

I think it is part of the human cindition, not a feminist thing at all.

I might dye my hair when I go grey, or I might not bother. Time will tell, only 40 so who knows. I am a feminist but also like grooming btw, they are not mutually exclusive. I think there is something democratic about how good make up, hair and clothes can make anyone look great, so even if nature did not deal you the best cards in terms of looks, you can look great with a bit of effort. If you would want to. And if you don't, that is fine, everyone is free to choose how they look.

Try going into work as a teacher in the average school with eyeliner, make up and painted nails as a man. In a respectable suit.

What? Why?

It is at a tangent to the aging issue, but women are pressured to conform by society and so are men, but in different straitjackets.
The requirement and emphasis for women of my age to fight any signs of physical ageing mainly comes from other women of my age or slightly younger.

I'm 35 & had shoulder length blond highlighted hair. Then lots fell out @ the front 18 months ago due to illness & medication. It was horrible. I'm single, & initially still went to work. I'm a feminist but admit i love fashion & make-up.
But i didn't appreciate my hair (never satisfied with it) - until i lost it. Then i understood how much my confidence came from my appearance. I kept the length of the hair i had left but pinned it into a bun. When i was very ill i couldn't be bothered with make-up. I bought a nice wig for going out, but found it was itchy & hot so couldn't wear it much. To disguise the front baldness @ work i wore scarves & bandannas - the other staff & were supportive as they knew i was ill. But i'd heard gleefully bitchy remarks off a couple of girls 'oh look, she's got a bald patch' - they only felt bad about commenting once they knew i was actually ill. Now i'm recovering & my hair's grown back - curlier & thicker than before. BUT all grey! I got it dyed asap with a gentle auburn permanent colour. The grey didn't bother me as i was so happy to have proper hair & be recovering. But as i get called 'baby face' (aarghh) because i have a young face, it looked weird on me having 'old' hair. Over the 18 months i still tried to go out to cafes, bars or shops @ couple of days a week; & learnt a good lesson:
That men of all ages aren't as shallow as i'd assumed. They behaved well towards me the whole time, same as most women did. Still nice, polite, friendly, sometimes flirty. I now understand that it's because i'm approachable & happy around others that men & women are friendly, not because of my looks. I observed much older women, (including those with grey hair) & it was the same - those who were pleasant & smiling attracted others to be friendly to them. So go grey if you like - good looks including nice hair are initially attractive but your personality matters to others far more than hair colour.

Men have always been subjected to constraints about their appearance. No one has ever claimed that patriarchal values of beauty affect only women. What patriarchal notions of idealised gender does is create sexual stereotypes. Those who don't measure up bear the consequences regardless of their gender.

The difference is that men often have other routes available to them to circumvent this because we live in a society that still affords men considerable advantages over women, so the importance attached to a woman's appearance still tends to have more of an overall effect than it does for men. And ageing definitely effects women more negatively - as a man ages he achieves gravitas. As a woman ages she loses reproductive ability, her looks change, this often translates to 'off less importance' both in the media and in wider society - witness the dropping of ageing female presenters from the BBC and the relentless nitpicking of the media when it comes to ageing celebrities. Grey-haired women look 'tired', whereas grey-haired men are often referred to as 'distinguished' or as being a 'silver fox'.

THe ultra driving force behind this is capitalism - selling people fear and then offering them a solution for it (for a price, of course). However, because our society is a patriarchal one, the effect has become one that affects more women than men, though it affects both.

Not dying my hair is a feminist issue for me. I'm going to have to go away and think about Bonsoir's post re not confusing letting nature taking its course with feminism, because my first reaction was that letting nature take its course has become a feminist issue: the cliches about feminists being ugly and having hairy legs come to mind.

I think the only feminist bit is being a strong enough person to make your own choices, not being pressurised into it because of other's opinions.
Way back in the 70's it was a feminist issue for many, because the role model choices available to girls were bimbo or serious career person, and make up, hair dye and heels went with the bimbo.
Scooby Doo was started in the 70s, look at Velma and Daphne.
The choices have broadened out since I was a teenager.