Husband abandoned me while 4 months pregnant,due march. Now he is divorcing.

[biyboo]

What rights does he have over child, he has anger issues has paid zero for me or baby so far despite being on reasonable wage. It has been proven that it is his child through medical notes. This was known all along though. He is an emotional and at times physical abuser but I was too afraid to go to police but would without hesitation now. I do want to breast feed. He has not had the child's consideration from the second of conception and stopped talking to me when I told him I was pregnant. This was shocking as we had tried for 2 years to get to that point. Baby was no mistake, it was planned by both of us. He bullied, belittled me in every way. I was perfect for his type as I had no family I could talk to about the way he controlled the unhappy climate of married life with him.
I worry what he will do to me and baby a he is furious as he has been asked a no of times to pay maintenance for me and baby. He still has not paid. Is his lawyer also mad as this looks very bad for him especially that it will now have to go in front of judge.
He loves only his money and wants only that. He is quite abnormal and this is my only concern.
Who can I ask for help from,doc?police?Hospital? I worry for my baby. I have been in trauma and hell all throughout my pregnancy and I feel sad as poor baby is growing in very upset mother. I just want a healthy birth and this creep far, far away from us.

Oh you sound so upset and worried. I hope you are OK. Can I just clarify has the baby been born yet? I am just not understanding the middle bit about maintenance and his solicitor.

But basically you are/will be primary carer. So you will have the majority of custody especially in the early days. He will be required to provide money to you, however if he isn't willing then you will probably need to go through the CSA.

Hopefully someone with more knowledge than me will be along to help. I think you need a hug though!

Once the baby is born he will have to pay maintenance, get the CSa involved and do it through them.

Do you think he's likely to want anything to do with the baby once he or she is born?

In the mean time if he threatens you, etc then do tell the police. Have you got a solicitor yet for the divorce?

I remember you from when he first left, hope you're feeling a bit better now. You and your baby will be fine.

Baby due in March. He will only want to take baby away from me to hurt me. He said that he would put baby in bin or thump it if it cried. I didnot laugh and said that was a bit sick/strange thing to say. He would get angry and not talk to me for days then his silence would go on for weeks. He is not normal. He is a sadistic, creepy weirdo.

Have you talked to your GP or midwife about this? It would be good for starters to tell them about the history of physical and psychological abuse against you and what has happened since you found out you were pregnant. It would be beneficial to have as much as possible documented now, explaining that before you felt too frightened to disclose what was happening to you.

Are you living apart now? It's important to ensure you are safe from any further harm. Women's Aid would be useful for support and advice, including pointing you in the direction of a lawyer who understands the situation. If there are still threats of violence going on, don't hesitate in reporting this to the police. If he has threatened violence against you and/or the unborn child, it's likely that any future contact with the baby (if he's even interested) will be supervised to reduce risk. That will be later on so perhaps not the first thing to think about. Your safety is.

He will have parental responsibilities toward your child, but as others have said, you may need to resort to CSA or negotiate through a lawyer to get a financial contribution for your child.

The way ahead won't necessarily be easy, but at least he is more or less out of your life so you can feel safe and get on with being the best mum to your babe that you can. Take good care and hang in there.

He sounds very controlling, and you might need specialist help. Try ringing Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 or click here for info.

Your local police station will also have a specialist officer you can talk to (without it necessarily being an emergency situation).

Make a safety plan. Keep a small bag packed and ready to leave for place of safety at anytime. Include copies of key documents (birth certificates, passport etc) also leave a copy of these with a friend or family member so if you need to leave with nothing this is also possible.

If he abusive you don't have to see him or have him know were you are living. If he gets access to your child, you can do this via a contact centre (see here). You can use a contact centre for supervised access and to hand over for non-supervised contact.

If it really is the money that is the issue, and you can afford to, don't push for it. My ex and I split up when I was pregnant with DS1. I never asked for any money, as I knew he would try to use it to control us. I just gave his details to the CSA and they tried and failed so he has never paid a penny. I never pushed for contact (didn't deny it either) and he gave up within a year. So he is now completely out of our lives, thankfully

Keep a diary of everything that happends, especially the threats. You may need the evidence later on.

Hope things go well

Hi. He sounds horrendous. A bit of legal advice you must follow: DON'T PUT HIS NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. This will restrict his legal right to parental responsibility (a requirement to be consulted on major decisions in the child's life, etc) and make it a lot harder for him to establish shared residence.

From what you say about this guy he will not be able to cope with a baby anyway and breastfeeding has to be respected by the courts however ludicrously 'father-friendly' they feel they have to be...so he would not get any more than short visits, probably at a contact centre if you don't want him to have access to your home due to your fear of his violence.

If you don't want him to have any contact at all, I agree with other posters- don't tell him where you live, claim maintenance through the CSA (as he will be the legal father) and refuse to give him parental responsibility. He would then have to go to court to try to get that. He may give up at that point or he may well shaft himself trying to prove he could be the caring father he clearly isn't.

Make a record of all the abuse. It gives evidence and you will need it

I'm sorry you are going through this

breaktime if they are still married when the baby is born, he will get parental responsibility whether or not his name is on the birth certificate.

But if the divorce has been finalised, then this is good advice.

This was my situation. As you're married to him he will automatically get PR whether you put him on the birth cert or not. He is legally entitled to contact but if he's as much of a twat as he sounds he probably won't even bother. Decide whether maintenance is worth the effort, I decided it wasn't worth my XH knowing where we are and chasing for contact etc as he said similar things about hurting the child etc. big unmumsnetty hugs, you and your baby will be ok.

yeah absolutely, better. I was assuming they would be divorced, if that is what the OP wants, although he could delay it I guess :( (and I'm not clear how long they've actually been married either as they can't divorce until after 1 year...)

Thank you for all replies. We lived together for 3 years and married for just over 2.5 years. I have a feeling it will be late summer for final divorce. He is difficult and nasty in every way and now he is full element of hate, greed and anger, especially as he knows I have switched off from his sick games. I don't think that I would feel comfortable with his name on B certificate. He lost that right.
Do you think a full account of his abuse and more so his emotional abuse would be seen as serious by doctor or midwives. I only say from my experience with H his emotional abuse was worse. The affects of this I know will be long term. I know that H will continue with as much emotional abuse as he can get away with.

i remember being terrified when pregnant that ds's father would reappear and demand contact when ds was born and would be able to take him away from me. he wasn't even abusive but the idea of someone being able to take my small baby away from me was awful.

in the first instance you'll be safe for a fair while by breastfeeding - no one is going to let him take a breastfeeding baby away from it's mother for contact.

have you reached a no contact point with him yet? as in got it laid down that he can only communicate through lawyers or just by email or are you still having contact with him on his terms?

incidentally ds's father never bothered to try and see his son. i finally applied to the csa last year (ds is nearly 5).

He will only have to pay maintenance for the baby, not for you.

Hi Biyboo lots of good advice on this thread, do go to police and have everything recorded, particularly his verbal threats re baby.
Does he have any convictions?
Does he have other children? Has he maintained contact with them?
Do tell your midwife and health visitor, gp ect.
I am a midwife and this issue comes up a lot sadly, your local hospital may well have a domestic abuse midwife liaison. When you are in hospital the staff can maintain your safety properly if they know the risks.
We often have alerts on patient notes to ensure their name does not go on ward boards and no info about their whereabouts is given.
Get a good solicitor now, one with lots of experience in dv cases.
Have you got any relaxation CDs to give you some time out from all this worry?
Good luck and keep posting xxx

trivial piece of advise from me - pour yourself a lovely bath and get in and sing to your baby or take your favourite book and read it aloud. i know it's all very twee and daft sounding to some but i used to love the bath when pregnant. ds used to get very active when i was in the bath

try and find times, spaces, ways to enjoy and relax. mentally put a seal around your front door or your bed or your bathroom or some little space that is not for worrying about him or for stress - make a barrier. even a little corner of your bedroom. you need a sanctuary.

Thanks again. I am going to write all events down in chronological order of all types/levels of abuse from him and make 5 copies for myself, police, doctor, hospital and lawyers. This way I won't have to do it again. Baby will be here in no time and I don't want him spoiling that any more than I can help.
I have told him via text and told lawyers about that text that I do not want any contact from him in any way until he pays regular C Maintenance and talks to me in a civil way. He knows to keep away as I reinforced it by saying and meant it that I would go to police if he bothered me again.
He wanted his cake and eat it no matter what. He has to recognise that bad appalling behaviour has consequences and that he can't bully, control and manipulate me anymore, ever again.

Be careful of saying that you don't want contact until he pays maintenance. He can use this as a way of harassing you eg saying he has some money for you but you must come and collect it, then either not turning up or turning up with no money but the intention of attacking you. You can refuse all contact with him but still set the CSA on him to get maintenance out of him (though they are not always successful).

I would cut all contact with him. Communicate through divorce lawyers, make sure you have a lawyer to fight your corner. Make it clear that you are not interested in talking to him. If he calls, tell him you will only communicate via lawyers and put the phone down. Then don't answer any more of his calls.

When baby is born, set the CSA onto him.

In the meantime, please go to womans aid. They will be able to help you to feel safer and will also be able to provide advice regarding divorce and CSA.

Oh and I second the advice of those who tell you to report to the police. The police will keep a record of what he has said, and this will be VERY useful when it comes to the divorce and also any custody demands that he tries to make.

Hi everyone. If I don't put his name on B certificate will he be able to sneak out of child maintenance or even get more nasty if we have not divorced at this point? If my name soley on B cert will that give me better chance of custody, care and control? Will courts take in to account his emotional abusive behaviour throughout the marraige and that he would hardly ever had made time for a child in his life anyway? He made it pretty clear that he would be staying in upstairs room and help with nothing in caring and loving for child.

Can i just ask why you are so desperate for maintenance?

you say all he loves is his money but that seems all you want.
I am not being harsh but in such a volatile situation demanding maintenance will only get his back up.
Your priority should be your dcs safety. I would be more concerned with supervised visits until he proves himself trustworthy

Reading this, my first thought was that if you can manage without the maintenance from him, then it would be better for you, as you could cut him out of your life properly, because his comments about hitting the baby and putting it in a bin are scary. Don't put him on the birth cert, just act as if he doesn't exist, would be my advice , sorry you have to out up with this shit.

The OP is probably concerned about maintenance because she hasn't got any money FFS. And it's possible that the benefits agencies are scaring her into trying to pursue it. However, I agree that it's best that she cuts all contact with this shitbag for the moment. OP do talk to WA and solicitors, do not try and negotiate maintenance issues with an abusive man on your own. There are structures in place to help you.

OK i might have sounded harsh but i feel the best thing she could do is try and get help for her and the baby before arguing about maintenance.
Tell you mw about his abusive behaviour and his threats and they will be able to help by not letting him into the hospital when you give birth. she can also refer you to other agencies to help you core with the breakup and to keep baby safe.
Get in touch with womans aid and they will help you more.