why do people assume me and DH would have the same last name?

[vanfurgston]

its been happening a lot recently. and there is always an Oh wen i correct them. i thought we had moved past all that

We double-barrelled our children's surnames so they are myname-hisname. They are all clear that they are at liberty to be known by either name if they choose to drop one half. I don't see a problem, and in nearly 15 years it has never caused any confusion that I can see. I imagine a lot of people assume that DH and I are not actually married, but I couldn't give a stuff about that.

rosy71 - no, I agree. A man changing his name upon marriage is still extremely rare but taking his wife's name seems virtually unheard-of.

I have just looked through the 'Find Friends' function on Facebook. It lists people that you might know as you share mutual friends.

I am very heartened that the majority of my school and uni friends have kept their own name upon marriage.

I do know one man who took his wife's name on marriage (though he didn't change it at work).

DS has DH's name, and mine as a middle name. I would have liked him to have my name, but as DH is SAHD and is already facing a certain amount of prejudice / disbelief when he turns up with DS to baby clinics etc, I reluctantly decided it would be best to stick with the conventions. DH would have been perfectly happy to have given him my name as he didn't have any strong views either way.

I am spanish and married to an australian man. We don´t change our surnames in Spain when we get married. After reading this section, I assume I am going to hear lots of "oh" in years to come

I am constantly surprised by the number of friends who did change their name on marriage (female friends). I've only just found out that one male friend of mine did change his name to that of his wife's on marriage years ago but that is the only person I have come across.

I had assumed that it was outdated but when my friends started getting married most, despite claiming that it wasn't important to them, couldn't wait to be Mrs Hisname. I found it (personally) very disappointing. Yes, the man could have changed his name but there was absolutely no question that he would do in any of the instances I can think of.

To my friends- mostly independent, successful women in their mid-30s, some of whom don't even want children, it was a way of showing that they are married.

I wouldn't have a problem with name changing if men did it as often as women do. But they don't. The default position is still that a woman will change hers. This seems incredibly old fashioned to me and harks back to the era of women as property. As does the use of Mrs/Miss when there is no equivalent for men.

I think a little feminist fairy dies everytime a woman gets married and changes her name to Mrs Hisname!

Also, I think it perpetuates a two tier system of women: those who are married and are Mrs Hisname and those (as one soon to be married friend recently called us) "spinsters" who are Miss Hername. Those who measure their worth by whether they have 'bagged a man' (I know that will go down like a lead balloon but this is the feminist section...) and those who aren't so successful because they haven't bagged a man. This isn't how I see it, by the way, but it's the only way that I can understand friends who are desperate to throw off their old names and proclaim to the world that they are Mrs Hisname.

If men were so desperate to show the world that they were married, they would have found a title equivalent to 'Mrs' and may even wish to adopt their wife's name on marriage.

So many female friends claim that their name changing was because it was important to their husband. To which I think, if it was so important to him to have the same name as you, why didn't he take your name?

And on the difference between having your father's name and your husband's name, you were given your father's name at birth. You have a choice as to whether to adopt another man's name on marriage.

A friend of mine has both her parents' names double barrelled (kept on marriage). Her children have a double barrelled name - the maternal part of her name and her husband's name. So it can be done without difficulty.

JessinAvalon much to the disgust of my mother I changed my name upon marriage but kept my maiden name professionally as to me it was my professional identity. Part of my new identity was being part of a newly formed family and I wanted that family to have the same name. I liked being part of "The [insert old name]s" when I was growing up. I don't think a feminist fairy died that day. I think she flew a little higher as I had the ability to make a real choice!

We did talk about double barrelling (would sound ridiculous) or DH taking my name (his is easier to spell) but went with what we did.

I did stay Ms which I've always been. Very common in Ireland, not so much here. People in the UK really can't seem to get their heads around that. I had my booking in appointment last week where the receptionist just couldnt understand why someone who was married would want to be Ms!

People not understanding 'Ms' completely does my head in.

(I realise that is the most redundant post ever in the feminist section)

BB - me too. And those who stare and say 'but how do you say it', as if the human brain has never been faced with the challenge of a two-letter abbreviation before.

I think feminist "fairies" would scoff at the idea of being so delicate as to be affected by whether someone changed their name or not and would be far more interested in how people treated each other in (and out of) marriage than what they called each other.

People often assume I'm Mrs DP - so multiple assumptions there, that we're married and I've changed my name, and I'm a Mrs, none of which are true! Even if we married I would likely stay Ms Myname as I don't feel any particular need to change.

I'm not offended by it though. Depending on the context, I don't always even bother to correct as sometimes it really doesn't matter. And it is still so common, especially among the older generations, for couples to be married and have the same surname, that it's not a completely outrageous assumption to make. I think some people feel that if in doubt it's more polite to assume that way (after all some people would be offended the other way round!)

It is mildly annoying getting Christmas cards addressed to Mr & Mrs from some of his relatives who know perfectly well that we're not married, they just think we should be and like us to know it. It's not really worth getting upset over though.

".. i thought we had moved past all that .."

Why?

My partner and I are not married and after much discussion we gave our 13, twins now 13, my family name and his family name as a second name, not double barrelled. The world assumes he is not their natural father because he does not have their surname. It is amazing how strong the assumption is that children take their father's name.
Coming through customs Paris back to UK eurostar this summer, DD went through first - passport checked then "are you travelling alone?" My partner was right behind her and said 'she's with me' they looked at his passport and said 'why are the names different' and stopped teh queue. I had to step in to bonafide him and her.
Fair enough I'm not complaining, glad they were on the ball and checked she was okay. But made us think he needs a - something? What? - in his documents that proves he is their father.

The question is: why do many women still choose to change their family name on marriage? Is it because they never really had a family name to begin with?

My family name, for example, is only my father's name, my mother has no linguistic heritage in it. And as my father is 'traditionally' only lending me his name until it gets replaced by my new 'owner', how can women feel attached to their family name?

However, this is exactly where we need to break the cycle and reclaim our family name as our family name - to stop disappearing in a single patriarchal lineage, which has so long denied women their equal share in the family as in history.

--

alittlefeministblogonlanguage.blogspot.com/2011/10/whats-in-family-name.html

My first husband and I double-barrelled. We divorced years ago and he still uses that surname as his email address, the arse.

I married again a couple of years ago and have kept my own name. I like it, and I've come to love it, even though it's frequently misspelled by others and was the source of playground teasing.

My name on twitter is my first name and his surname, because it gives me a small amount of anonymity. I work in a small sector and if I posted under my own name the kind of rubbish I spout wouldn't be good for my professional reputation. (I probably could have changed it entirely and can't remember why I didn't.)

My mother-in-law repeatedly challenged me about changing my name, which was irritating. However we often debate ideas and her challenges were said with a twinkle in her eye, so I think she was enjoying the joust. I don't bother correcting others, and having 2 potential names is a useful way of screening out sales calls at home. If they call me Mrs X, they don't know me and get short shrift.

I think women should do whatever they feel comfortable with.

I am a Feminist but cannot get excited at all about this

Change your name, don't change your name

But don't get pissed off with people if you live in a culture where most women who marry change their name

It's just common sense really

Correct them if they get it wrong, but don't get annoyed about it

Life's too short for that

< common sense poster >

AF, you forgot

I don't have a < gavel >

but "common sense poster" is a bit of an "in joke" in certain circles < nudge nudge >...

Common sense has spoken. I must therefore disagree - I do it on purpose, tirelessly searching the threads for the words 'common sense' so I can swoop down and peddle my crypto-Marxist Feminist fantasies.

I scowl at babies too.

Ahem. Anyway, I do actually disagree AF. It does depress me that people assume you must and will change your name, because most people don't respond with a polite 'oh yes? How interesting', most people feel the need to lecture you about it or take the piss.

A mate of mine has just got engaged. We are all trying to make names for ourselves in a work culture where it is known that namechanges are a bad idea career-wise. She has not mentioned changing her name - but someone has already responded 'I'll always think of you as [YourSurname] after you marry!'. Yes, that may be a harmless comment but it does piss me off. Call me a touchy cow if you like. But I do find it annoying that people get so judgy about women's decisions.

LRD

Not read whole thread but I'm sure I've read before that the numbers of women taking on their husbands name has gone up over the past decade. maybe the Victoria Addams/Beckham influence. Hard to imagine now but at the time she was the famous one and it was quite a thing for her to take his name IIRC.

I can understand (but wouldn't myself) why some women change their name when they get married. what I just cant get my head around is the mums who give their DCs the father's name, EVEN WHEN THEY'VE SPLIT UP BEFORE THE BIRTH!

It was quite a thing because famous women don't tend to change their names to that of their husbands'. They keep their own. Don't think Liz Taylor was 'Liz Burton'.

I really don't understand why irnbruguzzler doesn't get why mums give their DC's their father's name. Surely -regardless of whether this is right or wrong- dc's take their father's name as the norm? It's not puzzling at all. It's what usually happens.

What has the fact they've split up got to do with anything? A child is a person in their own right and what surname it receives should not be down to whether parents are together or not.
Don't see why this is a factor at all.

I'm with Anyfucker, a good marriage is good regardless of surname choice and a bad one bad regardless of surname choice, too.

But do people lecture or take the piss in reality or does nobody really care?

I have a different surname from my husband. Our children have both of our surnames

I have never been lectured, patronised or anything else when i have explained this. I must move in the wrong circles