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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

why do people assume me and DH would have the same last name?

93 replies

vanfurgston · 27/10/2011 17:19

its been happening a lot recently. and there is always an Oh wen i correct them. i thought we had moved past all that

OP posts:
TeiTetua · 27/10/2011 17:46

Maybe this is an argument for making Registered Partnerships available for everyone. Or maybe it's an illustration of "the baggage that comes with marriage".

coastgirl · 27/10/2011 17:49

Don't the majority of women change their name on marriage? Seems like a reasonable assumption to me.

BelfryBloke · 27/10/2011 17:49

"why do people assume..." Because statistically, they're right to assume.

Politically, morally, they're wrong to assume. But we certainly have not moved past all that. Hope we do by the time my daughter grows up.

SardineQueen · 27/10/2011 20:37

I agree with belfry.

Original poster
vanfurgston · 27/10/2011 20:38

none of the people i knw changed it. i m jst a budding feminist and this really irks me. oh so u didnt take your DH's name well good for you in a really patronising way

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 27/10/2011 20:42

Everyone I know changed it! I still think that changing it or going double-barrelled is the norm. Some people I know kept their maiden name for their work though.

It will take a long time for things to change and people to get used to newfangled ways. Just teh other day there was a thread on here where someone's bank wouldn't let them be ms as they were married, said they had to be mrs. There is a long way to go.

I'm sorry you're feeling irked.

Tinsie · 27/10/2011 20:49

I've kept my own name but very few people I know in the UK have done the same (it's much more common on the continent). I am occasionally called Mrs Husband's Surname and have post addresed to Mr & Mrs Husband's Surname (usually by the hubby's family) Grin but I don't mind, nor do I correct them.

The hubby doesn't mind either when he's called Mr My Surname when we are on hols as I always make the hotel reservations in my name and receptionists invariably assume we both have the same surname.

People just assume that married couples have the same surname (and that a couple sharing a double bedroom at a hotel are married) Wink

chickswithbricks · 27/10/2011 21:01

Statistically most married couples have the same last name so its a reasonable assumption if they have nothing else to go on.

rosy71 · 27/10/2011 21:05

Probably because most women still do change their name when they marry. When friends of mine started getting married, I was constantly surprised that they took their husbands' names because I'd assumed it was quite an old-fashioned thing to do. Obviously not. One friend and her husband both double-barrelled but everyone else stuck with convention. I don't know how long it would take to change such a tradition.

Takver · 27/10/2011 21:16

I would say its the other way around - people don't expect DH & me to have the same surname, but they are often surprised to find out we are married.

If people don't know you well enough to know your names - how do they know you're married?

Takver · 27/10/2011 21:23

Having said that, DH does get pissed off when he introduces himself by his (very common) first name - and people say "Oh, are you "firstnameandTakver". So I guess he gets it a bit in reverse, oddly.

nailak · 27/10/2011 21:26

we get random sales calls, and when dh picks up they ask for Mr Nailak, he just says sorry there is no Mr Nailak living here, must confuse them Grin

Original poster
vanfurgston · 27/10/2011 21:32

i havent been in uk long but i was expecting it to b the norm to not change names after marriage. i m from a very patriarchal background so it jst surprises me.
i guess its a non issue here and i am jst getting huffy-puffy for nothing

OP posts:
Bue · 27/10/2011 21:41

I don't think it's a non issue - to me it's very much an issue that women still overwhelmingly take their partner's names (and often without thinking much about it). But people will assume, because it is still the norm. I take great joy in telling everyone who will listen that I am not changing my name thankyouverymuch Grin

Original poster
vanfurgston · 27/10/2011 21:42

although seriously its the uk. women still do take on the last name. is it a romantic gesture or jst the convention which didnt change?

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 27/10/2011 22:37

I think it's just the convention. These things take a while to filter through. eg a lot of people seem to think that ms is "for" divorced women, although where they get that idea from I have no idea!

It is an issue
But I think that it will happen to you a lot and you will spend a lot of time feeling irked!

So talk about it on here rather than getting annoyed IRL Smile

KRITIQ · 27/10/2011 22:46

I'd say I know slightly more people who didn't change their names than did, or couples where both changed their name to something different they'd chosen or a double-barrelled or hybrid name.

Thing is, even 20 or 30 years ago, particularly if you married fairly young, you would only have a handful of things to change if you changed your name - bank account (if you had one), driving license, inland revenue details, utility bills, records at work, that's about it. Now, just think of how many on line accounts, loyalty cards, store and credit cards, services, etc. plus all the ones from before. I would imagine it would be an absolute nightmare trying to make sure every single one got changed.

Also, I've heard too many stories of women who've been shafted by banks, utility providers, etc., where they've changed their surname to that of their husbands and they get arsey about talking to them without the agreement of the husband, and such.

Tortington · 27/10/2011 23:37

i recently missed my name. so when i got a new job i asked to be referred to in my maiden name, bank account is in maiden name so now i'm me again after 22 years

did write an e-mail and send it in my married name - which confused some people Smile

Original poster
vanfurgston · 28/10/2011 01:24

i m glad i found the feminist section :D
i feel that i am me and my name is a part of that so it dsnt change with time or association with any1.
some people i have known thought it was a way to show your love for your other half Hmm
but then again they were born in a different time and place....

OP posts:
TadlowDogIncident · 28/10/2011 08:52

I kept mine for all purposes, and a few people are surprised by it. About half my friends in real life have changed and half have kept their own names - don't know anyone who's gone the route of being one thing at work and another at home. DH occasionally gets referred to as Mr DogIncident, but doesn't mind. One or two elderly relatives can't get their heads round it and refer to me as Mrs Hisname, but we don't see much of them so it's not worth making a fuss about.

I find it's very handy for dealing with cold callers - if they ask for Mr DogIncident or Mrs Hisname, we know it's no-one we want to talk to!

Trills · 28/10/2011 11:38

They assume it because it is still more common to have the same last name than not.

If you have to make the assumption, it makes sense to do it in the way that is statistically most likely to be right.

Trills · 28/10/2011 11:39

No reason to go "oh" and look surprised though, that's silly.

catsrus · 28/10/2011 13:55

its not at all silly Trills - how on earth will sexist assumptions about females joining male clans on marriage change if we don't challenge those sexist assumptions?

Every time we challenge an assumption about our name we raise awareness that it is perfectly possible to be married and keep our own name - there are plenty of people who still think it's not legal in some way [hshock]

Trills · 28/10/2011 13:58

I was referring back to the OP saying "there is always an Oh wen i correct them"

There's no reason for the person who wrongly assumed you had the same name to look all surprised and say "oh", because it's not that unusual. The assuming person is silly if they are surprised when their assumption was wrong.

Cathycomehome · 28/10/2011 19:52

I wonder how you would feel about this one. I am not married to my son's father, nor do I intend to be, but he is my partner and we do live together. After putting up with son's new secondary school constantly referring to me as Mrs Mysurname verbally, and then finally in an email, I signed my reply
Cathycomehome (MISS - I am not married).

Maybe this was a bit rude, but I was irked by the assumption that I have given birth to a child and live with said child's father, therefore I must also have married him. Presumably, when they met my partner, had I not done this, they would have referred to him as Mr Myname. Which is my dad.

And I could've/should've used MS, I suppose, but Miss is easier for the children I work with, so that's what I mostly use.