Child support?

[DontCallMePeanut]

OK, this would have gone in AIBU, but I was more interested in a feminist argument about this. Just wondering how you feel about child support?

This has come from the result of a disagreement between myself and mother, in which she feels I should claim child support from xP. Now, I'm uneasy with this. Mainly because I'd rather anything he paid was done willingly, not having to go through the agencies to get it. On top of that, DS wants for nothing, as far as I'm aware. He's clothed, fed, regularly bought small treats (eg, books, trips, toys.) There's just something about child support which, from a father who makes no effort to see his DS, and has spent a total of £85 on him over the past three years, doesn't sit right.

Financially, my income is greater than his, and once I've graduated, my earning potential will be significantly greater than xP's. Any thoughts?

Xposted Reality!

Reality- when you moved out I assume you took the children?
Could that have effected his mental health?

The things is truck while I know there are women out there who want it all on their terms and don't care about how much hurt they cause the man, I think they are quite rare.

In all the lone parent families I have come across, there is a direct link between the amount of time the father spends with his DC post separation and how much of a decent person/dickhead he is otherwise. Yes, there are disagreements over big dates, but in the main most mothers really encourage contact. If they stop contact it is because they have very genuine concerns about safety, not because they've suddenly decided to go down the path of character assassination of their Xs out of spite. False allegation rates of crime are fairly consistent across the board, so unless you believe single mothers are more likely to lie than the rest of the population, when most of them say they have concerns about their own safety or those of their child, they are telling the truth.

I see far, far more evidence of men pushing for more contact as a means of making life difficult, or simply not bothering at all.

It's all very well and good saying a father should contribute 50% to bring up dc, but what if the mother (and I use that term loosely) won't let the father (who's desperate to see his 2 children btw, hasn't seen them for 9 months!) see his dc or even know where they live. Why should she have all the power. All she wants is his money! He won't stop child support because he loves his dc, but everything is wrongly in her favour.

I think you should claim. If we want equality for women then that has to work boths ways and if men get to walk away (or indeed NRPs generally- know 2 mothers who did just that) scott free then it's very far from equality. It's teaching that the primary carer is the one who has to take responsibility, and that's a poor lesson for equality and for morality.

More- you like me have a son (heck I have 4!). One lesson it matters very much to me to teach is equal responsibility for any child they father. It's part of moving the feminist cause further for the next generation.

PGTip because the child needs the money, not the mother.

If a child is already suffering from the fact that s/he isn't seeing the father, how is adding financial hardship to that child's list of problems going to help?

If they are supposed to contribute 50%, then they'd also be entitled to 50% of a say in what happens, including access if there were no reasonable grounds for denying it.
The whole system needs to change, with the needs of the child at the heart of any plans, legislation or organisation.

Goblin, I disagree. Contributing is about responsibility to the child. The rest is about the rights of the parent. The two are not always in balance sadly.

Being an idiot that has a lesser influence over your child should not be considered an excuse to pay less simply because you have less influence.

OTOH, I agree with you that the family courts do need a massive overhaul, as they disadvantage many, many parents of both genders.

Sunshine the dc aren't seeing their dad because they are the only thing the 'mom' can use as a weapon against their dad. You surely can't think it right that this is allowed to happen. He is desperate to see his kids and she won't let him, put she still wants his money! And don't give me the line that the money us for the dc so he should pay it, he does without objection. But why should she hold all the power.

I've said this before I'll be teaching my children that it's important to be an equal parent whatever their sex.

Goblin I agree it does need an over haul, to stop some woman (and I am only referring to the twunt I know) using contact as a weapon.

PGTip, I don't disagree with you. I don't think it's right that the mother is denying access for the reasons you've given. However, that's no reason for him to deny his child financial support, which fortunately he seems to recognise by his continuing efforts to pay. The only thing he can do is continue to pursue his X through the courts. Granted it's not fair on him and serves the mother well, but the alternative - to stop paying - punishes the child far more than the mother.

Sunshine he is going thro the courts but as she had moved house twice without telling him it is a slow process. It makes me so angry that it is always the men who get dumped on yet it is the woman who have all the control. She is punishing him because she can it's as simple as that.

PGTip, you are extrapolating that the one case you know about is the norm. It isn't. As a group, single mothers hold very little power and 60% ( will cite reference when I get a moment) of them receive zero maintainance.

PGTip I appreciate your frustration, I do, but ultimately this comes down to "two wrongs don't make a right." Especially when the person on the end of the 'wrongs' is primarily the child.

No one is saying 2 wrongs make a right and my brother is meeting all his obligations wrt his dc his exw however is not, and yet she is deemed to be the one worse off. She left him, he had regular contact for 8 yrs & then she decided he was an inconvenience and cut off all contact and yet the law is on her side!!!!

I think we should be educating our children to spot and be able to avoid idiots.

Yes, thank you for your expert views on domestic abuse and rape in relationships... Y'know, my choice, and all that...

I'm also a fan of not being financially dependent on someone, so I believe it's best if neither give up work.

Where has anyone talked about giving up work? I'm a full time student, so aiming for a career at the end of this, one which will hopefully be extremely rewarding, financially. So, nope. Wouldn't be financially dependent on him.

If a man fathers a child, he is responsible for 50% of the child's care,welfare and upbringing. If he can't contribute financially then he should make up the deficit in kind. Ideally, yes. But as xP is an abusive twunt, I wouldn't be too keen on him having 50-50. Supervised, until he can prove he's worthy, yes. 50-50, nope.

She is saying that she doesn;t need to ask the father of the child for money as she is quite able to support the child - she isn't supporting the child at all the government is. No dear. Now, the student finance system means that you have to repay what you borrow. x amount may be grants or whatever, but that is towards the cost of education related purchases. I receive a small amount of LHA, and the CB and CTC are available, regardless of whether I'm working or not. But yes. Most of my maintenance loan goes on providing for DS, in one way or another. Hardly the same as if I was on IS and saying "I don't need his money, as I support DS myself" (No disrespect to anyone who is reliant on IS)

Perhaps the grandmother is picking up a lot of the slack.
If my DD got pregnant and had a child at uni and had no partner, I'd be doing whatever I could to help. Including encouraging her to make the father step up to his responsibilities. GC, my mother lives 2000 miles away. I had DS before I returned to uni. She sees DS about three times a year, and most certainly does not pick up any slack. She doesn't give me hand outs, and nor do I ask for them. The decision to head to university came as a decision to reclaim my independence and my future, after the xP's work position forced me to drop out first time round.

reality, your xH sounds vile. :( I get the impression your DC were older than my DS was when your split occured (mine was 16 mo), so thus would have had a bigger impact. :( I'm lucky in the respect DS has never known xP (really) so, less of a fall out.

i feel every nrp shoudl be responsible even if it is only financially not matter what the rp earns but i can understand why some no longer bother, money can cause so much stress

there should be better mediation services for those who can not discuss issues with their ex it can be very difficult. i get sick of hearing how inadequate the csa, well if they didn't have to chase so many irresponsible nrp (and the vast majority are men) they would be able to provide a better service, or the poor nrp who has not paid anything then has to pay a large back payment boofuckinghoo

'I had DS before I returned to uni. She sees DS about three times a year, and most certainly does not pick up any slack.'

That's a shame DCMP, I have very supportive parents who have been brilliant at helping fill in the gaps caused by having two working parents.
I did say that the 50% parenting split would have to take into consideration any negatives within the relationship.
Your ex is abusive? To his child as well as to you?
Then I can quite see your point about not wanting an equal division of parenting and presumably a completely remodelled court and child support system would see that too.

My views aren't on a judgement on your life.

I am going to help my children to spot an abuser, I know it's difficult but what else can I do? But there are signs, and if I can give them the knowledge and confidence to spot them and walk away it's a start.

And I'll encourage them to be financially dependent, again I don't see what else I can do? I'm not judging you.

GC, I know, it is something I wishcould be changed. My ex was mainly abusive towards me, but would often be neglectful if ever left in charge of DS, and the main reason I left him was because he bagan acting agressively to DS (he only got one chance to do so)

TR, I sincerely hope you do so sufficiently, but at the same time, if they do fall into an abusive relationship (which I hope to high heaven they never do), or their ex fails to take responsibility for their DC, make it perfectly clear that the blame doesn't lie with them. It may not have been what you meant, but I did interpret it that way

I definitely didn't mean that.

I will tell my children if their partner is a nightmare, apart from their partner having to deal with me, it is not their fault and I'll always be here for them. I'm a bit of a softy really, I'd be their like a flash and get them away from it.