Apologies in advance: this is an epic.
Background is this: I have been married for 10 years. I am quite a happy person, but I sometimes struggle to appreciate my marriage. I want to keep the family together though, because I believe it's best for all of us, not just the children. Also, I remember the "better or worse, sickness and in health, richer and poorer" bits from my wedding vows and consider a promise to be a promise. I can't bear the thought of not being able to see my children every other weekend, and miserable handovers at Christmas and birthdays.
My main struggle is the crossover between the role of mother and of wife. Or perhaps of mother and of lover. My DH is a good person. He works hard at his job and we both have the same views on spending and finances. We have the same educational background. I am currently on Maternity Leave but have a similarly paid job (although I get less as I work part time). I resent my DH frequently, because he appears to put so little effort into the housework. This sounds trivial, and probably is.
In the morning, I get up at 6.30, and get the kids their breakfast, and ready for school. This has always been the case, even when I've been working. DH comes down a bit later when he wakes up, switches on the computer and has breakfast in front of it. Our mornings don't really overlap except for a kiss goodbye when he goes to work or I leave for the school run. When he returns from work, he usually helps me by putting the older children to bed, which takes 20 minutes or so. Then he is on the computer, or out, until dinner. Our division of effort is that he is responsible for the kitchen. I cook dinner, and do the other chores, and he spends 10-20 minutes after dinner tidying things up. He doesn't wipe the surfaces or clean the floor, and doesn't wipe the table ready for breakfast as he doesn't notice these things. He doesn't put bottles in the containers for recycling because he forgets. He doesn't wash anything "complicated".
At weekends, I get the kids up on a Saturday as they have a club in the morning, and give them breakfast before taking them out and looking after them until lunchtime. I cook lunch. Sometimes, I ask DH to hold the baby for a bit while I am making lunch. After lunch, he likes to "let the meal go down" so I tend to clean up while he relaxes in front of the computer or the newspapers before I reading the papers, when I've finished. I sometimes ask him to help with this, and in the past he has said that he'll do it later. So I have sometimes left things, and sat surrounded by crumbs and lunch leftovers and dishes on the table and read the paper. I don't really like doing this. Often "later" means last thing at night or "tomorrow" or "I've been too busy to do it" so I do it myself. I realise that this is a personal choice, and I am allowing myself to be a matyr / doormat / whatever here. On a Saturday afternoon, he might take the older kids out for a walk while I look after the baby at home, or we might go out together. Evenings are the same as weekday evenings, with him doing a little in the kitchen last thing at night.
Sundays are pretty similar - I take responsibility for the kids all morning, and he usually gets involved in the afternoon.
DH frequently puts his work trousers into the washing bin late on Sunday and asks me to get them ready for the morning. He wears tatty clothes and when he shaves, often forgets to rinse the hairs out of the sink. He needs to be asked to take the bins out on the day the rubbish is collected. He needs to be asked not to use the washing up brush to scrub mud off his boots. He has no idea what DS1 has in his packed lunch or school bag, or what uniform he needs to wear. Our youngest child is 6m old. DH has changed 6 nappies maybe. He doesn't like doing it, and says that he finds the first year very stressful. If the children cry, he tends to snap at them, and if DC3 doesn't calm down quickly when he picks her up, he'll hand her to me, telling me how much he hates the baby phase.
DH needs his sleep, and often takes daytime naps. I resent this hugely. I get little sleep as I deal with the baby, and often the older children, during the night. DH always sleeps in longer than me in the morning and at weekends can and does spend the whole morning in bed on occasion. DH occasionally asks me to wake him after half an hour, or wake him at 8 in the morning, and if he doesn't wake until 8.30 or something asks me why I didn't wake him in time for work. I know this is churlish of me to refuse this small act of cooperation, but I want him to be able to take responsibility for waking up at the right time. He has an alarm clock.
I don't mind that I deal with the children most of the time. I do mind that I do the lions share of the housework, including all the little fiddly tasks that he "doesn't notice". Our house is not clean or tidy by most people's standards - I do what I can to stop it being actively festering or gross. He doesn't notice the mud all over the hall, or the spills on the kitchen worktops, or the grot all over the carpet, or the toys all over the living room. On the rare occasions I can persuade him to help with a job - say the garden - he often starts but doesn't finish, or does the job and leaves the tools and mess where it is.
He used to have hobbies and a circle of friends. He says that he doesn't go out cycling any more because he doesn't have the time, but I have pointed out that he could have the whole day to himself at any day of the weekend and that would be fine. And it genuinely would be - I think it would be good for him to get some "me time" that wasn't in front of the computer or in bed.
We recently had a night away as a family - we stayed in a youth hostel and DH didn't sleep very well. In the morning, he was unpleasant and bullying to the children, and continued being grumpy and sour all day. This continued the next day, and he explained that he found it stressful being cooped up with the family.
I've painted a picture of dysfunctionality here. My DH is not a monster, and can be kind and considerate to me and the children. My struggle is that I feel forced into the role of mother to him, when all I really want is to be his wife. I enjoy being mother to my children, but I fear that my DH adopting the role of my fourth "child" will repeat itself in the next generation: my sons will grow up unable to function as independent adults, giving their own wives the shitty end of the stick at every opportunity, seeing it as a woman's role to do pretty much everything. I fear that my DD will think it's normal for a woman to do everything, and she will choose a husband who treats her like this too. Please don't tell me to leave him: I don't want to do this, I want to make it work. I just need some advice on how to shift from the mother role to the wife role when it comes to DH, and get him to take some responsibility for himself.