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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

a man groped me tonight

49 replies

booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 02:59

i was out for a work's do, we were in a club, a friend arrived late and me and anotehr friend went to meet her at the bar. there was a man standing right close behind her as if he was with her and when he saw me and friend 1 trying to get her attention, he moved back slightly and made a gap between her and him and put his arm out as if to guide us in. i assumed he was her boyfriend. when i moved towards friend 2 the man put his hand around my waist, i stepped backa nd gave him a funny look and asked friend 2 if she was with him. she said no, she didn't know who he was. i moved away and he moved round behind me. i warned him not to touch me and straight away he moved up against me, i moved again and said "don't touch me". he moved away and my friends and i stood talking. literally seconds later he moved up behind friend 1 and started rubbing her arm. she linched and gave him a dirty look, he seemed to think this was encouragement and put his arm around her waist, low down. she moved againa nd he made to follow her and i said "she doesn't want you touching her, go away". he stood back a bit and we started talking again. he moved to the otehr side of me and started pressing up against me and trying to touch my bum, i moved again and said "I'm warning you, don't touch me again", again he seemed to take this as encouragement and went straight to touch me again and i screamed at him really loud "don't fucking touch me, you fucking pervert." people started looking and he put his hands up as if to say "i didn't do anything" so i said " you were standing there trying to grope us. we don't want you touching us. fuck off" still everyone was looking. he didn't move away but we did and he FOLLOWED us and tried it again. i screamed again "i am fucking warning you". we quickly left the whole bar area. i am furious. he was clearly drunk but he was smirking the whole time. i drove tonight so this wasn't an alcohol fuelled reaction. one of the people i was with seemed to think i was hilarious.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 12/12/2010 03:18

He sounds like a twat- are you ok now?

WingDad · 12/12/2010 03:41

Sounds like he needs a decent slap to reiterate your point.

booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 03:56

i am totally fine. i was more upset by my friends' responses tbh. both of them had been groped by him, friend 2 said he had kissed her on the shoulder before we arrived at the bar, both of them had asked him a few times not to touch them but when i did what i did they said i over reacted. friend 1 agreed with me that it was only by people not speaking out that lets him away with it, yet when i spoke out i was the one getting laughed at.

OP posts:
ISNT · 12/12/2010 10:21

How shit booyhoo. Why do they always smirk? Smirking bastards.

I wish we were at a point where a woman could seriously think about calling the police and they would do something, but at the moment we just have to put up and shut up. And I hate that if you complain you are making a fuss. And that the people who often say you're making a fuss are women Confused

What an arsehole that bloke was.

ISNT · 12/12/2010 10:22

Women do not normally go around hitting people wingdad.

dittany · 12/12/2010 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HowDoYouLikeThemApples · 12/12/2010 10:48

A top tip I learned from a friend who managed a bar was to always go and tell the bar staff/ security staff. They would much much rather have a group of women causing no bother in their bar than a sex pest who makes people leave and so will usually chuck him out. I do this all the time now, even if it is just a guy who wants to try and chat us up but won't leave us alone when we ask him too. It works a treat and you don't get all angry and flustered trying to get him to go away- the bar staff do it for you and you can just wave bye-bye!

ledkrsbellyislikesantas · 12/12/2010 11:03

A few yrs ago when i was trying to find my way thru the newly single jungle having been dumped by dh of18yrs for a newer model,i was in a club and have to confess very drunk,a gut put hi hand down the back of my trousers and assaulted me.I am normally a gobby cow but i was so shocked (and drunk) i started to cry so my friedns took me home.I never said anything untill i met my current dh and told him.He is a copper and was bloody fuming he said it would be classed as digital rape.I feel so bad that i didnt say anything as this guy was clearly dangerous to other women.It was a lesson re the drinking but also in personal safety,i also felt deep down that i was over reacting although dh has put an end to that particular feeling.Sorry for hijack,i suddenly felt the need to share.

TheMonster · 12/12/2010 11:07

digital rape? I've never heard that expression. Sounds like something to do with cyber sex!
Seriously though, OP that was horrid for you. I don't think you over-reacted at all. I feel sick just thinking about it.

ISNT · 12/12/2010 11:16

Yes should have said well done booyhoo, I have never been able to speak out, mind you it hasn't happened for a while, things might be different now.

ledkrs I am so sorry for what that bloke did to you. It was not your fault, it was not to do with drinking, he could just as easily do that to someone in a crowded tube or bus. You did not over-react, god it's awful. What a bastard.

ISNT · 12/12/2010 11:17

I mean the only lesson to be learnt from that is don't stand around minding your own business in nightclubs, which isn't going to get anyone very far.

These "safety messages" get right on my tits.

dittany · 12/12/2010 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkrsbellyislikesantas · 12/12/2010 11:23

Such a shame i was drunk tho.I am more likely to have walloped him,but also if id had my wits about me i could have pointed him out to the police and he'd have ended up on the register.Very fitting.It still makes me angry when i think about it now tho.
We should teach our daughters to stick up for themselves too,mine has 3 older brothers so has no problem with that Grin

ledkrsbellyislikesantas · 12/12/2010 11:25

Yes digital rape is any penetration with a finger.Interestingly what boohoo describes is called "frottage" you learn something new every day.

BeerTricksPotter · 12/12/2010 11:34

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boobellina · 12/12/2010 12:03

Hooray for wonderful you booyhoo.

I was in a similar situation last Christmas, went to a club with a group of friends, male and female and including dh, and whilst dancing some pervert put his hand right up my knee length skirt and despite my tights was poking rather than just feeling.

I have never been able to tolerate people touching me without express invitation so I reacted instinctively and cracked him across the face leaving a rather impressive red hand mark and screaming at him that he was not to touch me and that he was an absolute pervert.

What upset me far more than the actual assault was my 'friends' reactions that I should have just been a good quiet little girl and moved away without making a fuss. Thankfully my dh was amazing and got really cross with the others and pointed out that I had been sexually assaulted that the had he been anywhere near me he'd have been claiming a recall to duty and arresting the guy (he is a cop!) so that he ended up on the sex offenders register where these guys belong.

booyhoo your friends are wrong and what you did was admirable.

booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 13:01

thank you all so much. i have been getting messages on FB from the people that were with me telling me how funny that was and what a massive over reaction it was, and i am actually so angry with them. how can they not see that if i had said nothing he would have continued assaulting us? why am i not allowed to resort to causing a scene when person doesn't respond to a firm "no".

interestingly i have told a few male friends what happened and they are all disgusted with the man and agree i did the right thing.

i am not telling my mum because i know the first thing out of her mouth would be "you see, you need to be more careful" now i was standing at a public bar with two friends, surrounded by other people, literally minding my own business and this man did this. i don't understand what precautions i could have taken to prevent that happening? people need to realise that this is only preventable by the people who commit the act. i would actually get so angry with my mum, so it is better not to tell her.

Ledkr i am so so sorry this happened to you. and it absoloutely happened to you, you did nothing to cause this. absoloutely nothing. i am sorry you weren't able to get help at the time but so pleased to hear you have a great DH who has helped you to know that you can speak out anytime you are violated.

OP posts:
booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 13:06

i also didn't approach any staff last night because after my friends' reactions to what i did i felt i would be even more ridiculed for over reacting again. we just moved away from where he was.

OP posts:
Malificence · 12/12/2010 17:00

Wingdad is right.

My DD was touched-up while in a queue, she turned around and punched the guy right on the nose, I assume he'll think twice before doing it again. It's the only thing that creeps like that understand, they love making women feel uncomfortable because they are inadequate losers in real life.

ThisIsANiceCage · 12/12/2010 17:11

Another hooray for you booyhohoho - tho sorry too. And ShockShockShock at your friends' responses. Did we slip a few decades on the calendar or something? Unbelievable. Sad

ISNT · 12/12/2010 17:20

malificence most people don't go around thumping people. Not least because, what happens if they thump you back? Let's face it a man who is feeling you up in public obviously hasn't got normal ideas about what boundaries can and can't be crossed.

It also seems to put the onus on the person who has been assaulted to behave in a certain way - a way that most women have been brought up not to behave.

earwicga · 12/12/2010 17:20

I always hit people who touched me up in clubs. They usually did it from behind so my fist swung backwards with a straight arm. Seemed to do the right thing and got rid of them pretty quickly.

You should have reported this man to the bouncers. It's not unusual and it won't stop. Defend yourselves by hitting back where it hurts.

ISNT · 12/12/2010 17:21

So women who don't hit people who do this are letting the side down?

ThisIsANiceCage · 12/12/2010 17:21

If you can be bothered, you might want to report this to the police.

It was assault or sexual assault, you have lots of witnesses (including all the people writing on facebook), he tried it on three women (which kills the usual argument that you personally somehow "caused" it), and you stated loudly and clearly in front of those witnesses that you were not consenting to his behaviour.

If you think you might report this, perhaps have a word with the club ASAP in order to get CCTV or find if the twat's a regular?

A friend who reported being groped in a park was told the guy was a serial offender. Can't remember if it came to trial...

earwicga · 12/12/2010 17:23

Hardly ISNT, but it's effective. So is reporting it to bouncers. I wouldn't presume to tell any women how she should react to being assaulted. That was my example of how I dealt with it.

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