Just want to tell someone.

[tippytap]

I'm not sure how this will turn out. I'm sorry, I know that this will seem silly to a lot of people. Please bear with me as I've not told anyone about this. I've even gone years without thinking about it. Lately, though I can't seem to get this out of my head.

I split up with my XP about 4 years ago. We were together 6 years. The best thing that I can say about him was that he was a bully - and I know how pathetic that sounds.

I'm posting this in the Feminism section because I've seen threads on other sections get nasty and I don't want that to happen to me.

I remember what happened quite vividly. I was woken up on two occasions by my XP having sex with me. What woke me up was the pain of him entering me.

He was on top and a lot bigger than me. I didn't know what to do and just lay there while it happened. He finished and went back to sleep.

The two occasions that it happened were within days/weeks of each other.

After the second occasion I tried to talk to him about it the next morning. He said that he "must've" been asleep. I told him that he'd seemed awake to me. He told me that he'd woken up "halfway through" and just carried on. I said it had to stop and it never happened again.

I don't really expect anything from this. I just needed to tell someone about it. I can't tell anyone in real life about this.

This is awful. I can see how scary this must have been for you.

I don't want to defend rape by any stretch BUT my DH went through a phase of trying to have sex with me in my sleep. And I have spoken to friends who have had the same thing. It is a disorder:

www.healthcentral.com/sleep-disorders/c/5954/10118/sex

That is no excuse for him just to keep going though once he wakes up. That is rape.

How are you? Has it affected your later relationships?

Chaya, It doesn't sound like the same thing as when she told him it was unacceptable it never happened again - which implies that it was in his control to prevent it and therefore not due to a sleep disorder.

Tippytap; I'm sorry you had to go through both the bad relationship and these experiences. I hope that 'talking' here about it helps you and you get the support you need.

tippytap, it is not too late to report this. He has raped you and as anastaisia has said, he stopped doing it when you told him to stop.

Speak to Rape crisis who can offer good advice.

here.

Tippytap - so sorry to hear this and it is totally not silly. I too am coming to terms with an abusive ex partner, and have all sorts come to me I have forgotten for years. I've name changed for this. Thanks for sharing - it helps me to know I'm not alone and hope it helps you too.

Me2oo - Definitely helps to know I'm not alone.

I think that not knowing if it was deliberate or not makes it worse.

I WANT it to be a mistake, a sleep thing.

Yes I have all sorts of things where I think, was that deliberate misleading and even grooming. I'd like to think it wasn't but the signs point otherwise.

You're the best judge of your situation as you were there and imho you need to believe what helps you at this point in time.

Can I ask, does it still affect you now? Mine does.

Affect me?

I don't know. I was in a bit of a state when I split from my ex - I panicked if I had to make even the smallest decision.

It's been 4 years and I've only just started standing up for myself to my XP (we have a child together so I have t see him regularly). And, standing up to him means I'm less afraid of him.

As for sex. I've had slept with other people. I find it difficult to relax, though.

Good to hear you're standing up to him. Never seen mine since. Yeh it's sex it affects for me, but I find realising it is the road to dealing with it.

Dittany - how on earth can you dismiss the sleep sex disorder in that way? Have you studied the condition? And as for making a sweeping generalisation about these men lying, well it is those statements that give feminists a bad name. I can honestly say that my husband was asleep when he has done this. And to say that he was lying just so that he can cover up when he was doing is downright offensive.

me2oo - sometimes I feel I'm just going through the motions, if you know what I mean. A bf said something to me that stopped me dead. He said 'you can say no, you know'. It hadn't occurred to me. I'd forgotten that I could do that. How sad is that?

Dittany - I feel better/sad. I needed to tell someone, but can't face RL friends.

Tippytap - absolutely totally. I struggle to believe I can say no, despite repeatedly being told I can by my husband, for many years.

chaya, that "condition" was invented by men for men.

I don't know about the sleep sex thing. I'm never going to know for sure, am I? I do know that he said he woke up during sex the second time abd just carried on. I have to take some response sibility for not saying Stop,

If we'd been in a loving relationship, then I'm sure that how I feel would be different, but our relationship was not like that.

It's a bullshit condition, chaya.

Sorry that happened to you tippy, and hurray that you are talking about it and away from him now

Disappointingly - yet predictably - having sex with a sleeping woman (or otherwise sexaully abusing a sleeping woman) is a current theme within mainstream porn these days; another one of the seemingly infinite variations of degradation on the modern porn spectrum. So he may well have got the idea from online porn.

Dittany - I've done 'angry', it's why I can now stand up for myself.

I know it's completely different, but time after this happened, when I was pg. my ex told me that the baby used to kick a lot at night. I told him not to be daft, that if that was the case, i'd've woken up. He said it did kick as he used to touch my stomach to feel the baby. I asked him to stop doing that and felt bad for doing so. He hardly ever touched my belly when I was awake.

Elvisgirl - really? He was heavily into porn when we were together. Surely, though, men don't really find that sort of thing attractive?

I've been sexually active for twenty-one years, and only heard about this 'condition' about a month ago. It really does sound like an absolute pile of shite.

Sorry tippy (and others) it sounds grim

Tippy, he raped you

Penetration without consent is rape.

I don't believe he was asleep either, since it coincidentally stopped when you put your foot down. If he suffered from some "disorder" he wouldn't be able to do it just when he wanted to nor wait until you were asleep too.