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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

If you were raped would you report it?

388 replies

darleneconnor · 08/11/2010 20:07

A topical question.

I didn't in the past because I was in denial.

For the sake of my privacy I still wouldn't now. It'd make me feel so guilty leaving someone to go free and maybe do it again but psychologically I coudln't cope with a court case and all that goes with it.
Sad Sad Sad

OP posts:
JetCat · 10/11/2010 20:03

oh thats so sad otchayaniye Sad

otchayaniye · 10/11/2010 20:04

We all have sad things happen. It wasn't so much the rape it was the reaction.

I think that puts a lot of women off. It changes everything. Sometimes for the good, sometimes not.

It's a fucker.

dittany · 10/11/2010 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JetCat · 10/11/2010 20:11

neverforgot - that must have been truly horrendous spending time with your attackerSad

pissedrightoff · 10/11/2010 20:12

I never reported it when I was date raped 12 years ago.

However, I was sexually assaulted by a 'friend' of DH's 6 years ago, I did report it.
He pleaded 'not guilty' until 3 days before the court date, when he then changed it to 'guilty'. He was charged with 'lewd and lascivious behaviour' and sentenced to one year in prison.

SarahStrattonsSparkler · 10/11/2010 20:22

I couldn't even tell my mum, my sister or my best friend. I told no-one until I told my friend years and years later.

The man who raped me is already in prison. He will never come out.

SugarMousePink · 10/11/2010 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notcitrus · 10/11/2010 20:30

I might report it now, because I'm articulate and arsy enough to cope in court and have loads of supportive friends who would help me prepare for it.
I wouldn't be expecting a conviction though, just hoping that public mud would stick at least.

Sad thing is that now I am this arsy and articulate I'm a lot less likely to get raped in future. WHich is great for me-now-age-36 but what about people like me-aged-18?

Two problems I've encountered are 1) if a friend has been raped, it's her private issue - so how can I warn other friends about her rapist (another friend) - telling people I'm not willing to be near X and that X is utter scum never sounds convincing without details, but equally how can I invade three women's privacy and tell people X raped/assualted all of them and once might be a mistake, twice might be carelessness but three times has to mean he's a rapist!

And 2) I think lots of men just don't see why having sex when you didn't want to is a big deal - sex is good, OK you weren't really in the mood/didn't want it with that person, but why is that so bad? I don't know how to explain it myself.

GENNnrflk · 10/11/2010 20:38

I did after being assulted and escaped attempted rape in Paris (it was the waiter serving myself and a friend - he broke in to my toilet cubicle when visiting the lavatories at the end of our meal)...

The British police investigator contacted me 3 yrs on. They knew who did it, but he spent a very long time on the phone convincing me to drop the case.

I feel let down. I bet the report says I let it go agreeably... The guilt I felt as the police told me the man's life would be ruined distorted my judgement at the time.

Why did the police make me feel that my right to safety and protection was less of a priority than "ruining another man's life".

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 10/11/2010 20:38

so many terribly sad stories.

My grandmother was raped and killed leaving two young children behind, the repercussions of this still hold today 50 years later. He had raped many times before. He was found and hung (this was the 40s).

I think I would report it, just in case the next person didnt live.

I think. I don't know. This thread has deeply disturbed me. How fucked up is judicial system/ How terribly fucked up.

Dolanette · 10/11/2010 20:47

This thread is scary Sad
How dare a man/woman do something like this and get away with it. Angry
I don't exactly know what rate of conviction is in Ireland (where I'm from) but there have been high profile cases where there has been a conviction. Files are sent to DPP (Director of Public prosecutions) and reviewed first.
I think I would report it if it happened to me.

Dolanette · 10/11/2010 20:55

This reminds me of terrible case in Irl where family, friends of a convicted rapist lined up to 'sympathise'/shake his hand in courtroom in front of victim. Angry
Awful outcry after.

nancy19 · 10/11/2010 20:57

I've already posted this (see below) in this forum

'My student DD2 was accosted and anally raped by a stranger while walking home one night. She was too petrified to struggle so no external injuries. THe CPS prosecuted but in court he said that she approached him asking him for sex and he had reluctantly agreed. He was acquitted. She won't go out at night now.'

I'm very angry that rape victims get no help at all in what to say in court. In law they are regarded as just another witness. In the past I would have said that we have a duty to report these monsters and take them to trial but not anymore. A rape AND a beating may have a better chance of a conviction but I wouldn't bet on it.

thebody · 10/11/2010 21:06

i was raped at 17 by an ex boy friend.. i was in my own home, parents upstairs and asleep..i didnt really even consider it rape until i was older.. i had said no and he just went ahead anyway..

i didnt struggle or make any noise.. too shocked...

didnt report it of course.. didnt enter my head to.. this was in the 80s..

anyway 15 years later read in the paper about a case of a policeman suspended for sexually assalting a collegue on duty.. he was found not guilty and she left the force.. it was his name.. it was him.. I knew he was guilty as he had done this to me...

dh wanted me to go to police then but i didnt, couldnt...

Shinyshinyshoes · 10/11/2010 21:42

I was raped at 16 and I went to the police station straight afterwards; it never occurred to me not to report it. I must have read novels or watched Crimewatch or something as a teenager because I knew it was important to get examined before the evidence was washed away.

I was interviewed by a male officer but they did check with me that was OK; he was part of a special team and was very sensitive about it all. The doctor who examined me was also male but I didn't have a problem with that either - I've never generalised the incident into a fear of all men and I knew they were being professional and courteous.

In the end the CPS felt there wasn't enough evidence to take the allegations to court and I understand that's quite common. I actually feel the process of reporting it and having it on record was therapeutic for me, even if it didn't reach court.

I do think women have a responsibility to report sexual crimes; so many attackers are repeat offenders and even if their own case doesn't reach court or result in a conviction, it leaves a trail which might help build up evidence against another attack and could stop more happening.

xstitchsparkler · 10/11/2010 22:05

Sadly its not that simple shiny. Society as whole finds it easier to side with agressive bullies. A rapist is the ultimate bully. If a woman does not report a rape she is on her own dealing with the trauma of the attack. If she reports it she is on her own dealing with the trauma of the attack and dealing with a lot of people treating her like a piece of dirt.

Although I did not report my attack I did blurt it out to a friend. This 'friend' no longer has anything to do with me for what she calls 'bad mouthing a good man' I have also been told if I report him I will never see my dd again. I'm sorry shiny but I can't lose my dd, I know its selfish but I can't.

sethstarkaddersmum · 10/11/2010 22:08

It's great to hear about someone who had a good experience with reporting though.

I was very struck by 'I actually feel the process of reporting it and having it on record was therapeutic for me, even if it didn't reach court.'

that's how, ideally, it should be for everybody. I wonder how much comes down to simple sensitivity and courtesy by the people interviewing & examining.

PotPourri · 10/11/2010 22:40

OMG - this thread has made me very sad and very scared.

herethereandeverywhere · 10/11/2010 22:49

No. I was 16 when I was raped. I'd lied to my parents so I could stay out all night at a party. I'd been drinking but not enough to feel drunk. A bloke I fancied and snogged took me to a tent in the garden. He wanted to have sex and I said no, lots. He forced himself on top of me so I pushed his pelvis away, lots. He resolved the issue by pinning my wrists to the floor and fking me anyway. No way I'd ever get a conviction for that - why traumatise myself and my family several times over? Still can't bear anyone "restraining" my wrists and have a weird involuntary reaction where I go hysterical if someone tries it. Can't stop myself. I'm now 34.

I'd only ever report if it was a complete stranger who'd pounced in a dark alley or similar. Anything else is torturing yourself again. over and over.

earwicga · 10/11/2010 23:13

I have the same type of reaction when somebody breathes into my ear herethere.

Shiny -

'I do think women have a responsibility to report sexual crimes'

We have to do what is best for us to survive. I'm glad you were able to report but I don't feel any less about myself that I wasn't able to.

I think men have a responsibility not to rape.

BiscuitBob · 10/11/2010 23:38

How utterly depressing and sad this all is Sad

I have been sexually assaulted 3 times in my life and was stalked by one of these men for about 3 months afterwards, although these were only minor in comparison to the stories on here. I admit I didn't report any of them, even when one was witnessed by someone else who tried to encourage me to speak up. I still get freaked out when I hear someone walking up fast behind me.

I was too ashamed then, so I think if I was ever raped I probably wouldn't report it, unless it was a total stranger and at knife point and the evidence was VERY clear.

boiledegg1 · 11/11/2010 01:23

What a sad thread. It makes me so angry to think that the system we have is so rubbish, that the most effective course is vigilante action.

northseadad · 11/11/2010 03:49

Im a guy and if anything happened to my ex, daughter or any other family member i would deal with it myself, even if they do get convicted, the jail time would not be long enough.

ISNT · 11/11/2010 07:31

I don't think that women should be admonished for not reporting this crime, with the way things are with the system at the moment.

I think that the rapist bears responsibility for what he does, not his victims.

I am glad to hear a positive story of police treatment of this crime though. I mean, some of them must be doing it properly.

diddl · 11/11/2010 07:52

I didn´t.

It was a friend´s husband.

We´d been seen laughing & drinking together so I was sure no one would believe me.