My lovely friend is so happy married to a male chauvanist pig

[YunoWhatYouDidLastSummer]

I am not suggesting that it is any of my business, but I do think about it. I feel conflicted.

She is educated, strong, confident, beautiful and capable.

He is highly educated, intellegent, funny, sociable.

They have a happy marriage with lots of children and lots of friends.

But he is SUCH an arse about some things - really important things.

Actually, what is the difference between a chauvanist and a mysoginist?

He earns the money so she does EVERYTHING else, and with lots of children and pg with another that is a lot to do. EVERYTHING. He comes in and puts his feet up and that's it.

Last Christmas he gave her a cleaner . Everyone thought it was lovely of him and I was the only one spluttering - it makes me doubt myself.

And everything revolves around what he wants to do. He gets an awful lot of sport time and drinking time and tv time. She gets to do things too but he always has first dibs, so her social life fits in around his convenience.

And he is so bloody rude to her in front of people. Shouting and belittling. She says it's okay and he doesn't really mean it :( (People do call him on it though, and tell him it isn't okay).

He is such a spoiled child. And so testosterony. And I have occasionally said that he's a bit of a troglodyte (in a fond way - I know it's crap but I do like him in some ways and we socialise with them a lot, me being an arse to him wouldn't really achieve anything) and she laughs and agrees and doesn't seem to mind.

But surely she must?

She considers herself a feminist, and cares deeply about her daughters upbringing from a feminist perspective.

But... but...

Jess, if I had been with you in that nightclub, I would have taken you home

I hate that kind of attitude

I would intervene even if I got my head bitten off for being a nosy cow

I think you can intervene whilst still being a non-judgemental friend

In fact I know you can, because I have done it, and would do it again in a heartbeat

I think I would have too, Jess. Have had other people look on in horror while I check that crying woman/woman sitting on pavement in a dirty minidress/woman whose boyfriend has just shouted at her is ok though.

Hi TF
Thanks for that. I hope that, if ever I'm in that situation, I will speak out because otherwise it does condone the behaviour.

I wish very much that I had spoken to an old male friend of mine a few years ago about his behaviour towards his now wife. I didn't know her that well at the time so, when he complained about her, I used to sympathise with him. However, I do recall that, at the time, I did feel uncomfortable on a number of occasions at the way he treated her in public but couldn't have articulated why then.

Now I have the language and the understanding to do so and I look back and see the same kind of behaviour that my ex inflicted upon me - worse in some ways. I've had to cut the friendship now because I can't be reminded of my ex's controlling behaviour. I hope she gets out one day but they've now had a baby together and have emigrated so I doubt it will happen any time soon.