"I'm lucky that I don't have to work"

[AnnieLobeseder]

I was having a discussion on Facebook today about bread machines and cleaners with some women, most of whom I don't know since they're 'friends of friends'.

One woman, who seems to be older than me, maybe late 40s, early 50s, said, "I hand-bake my bread and don't need a cleaner, but then I'm lucky that I don't have to work."

So, this made me want to reply that technically I don't have to either, but I choose to for many reasons including my sanity and the fact that I love my job. But since I don't know her I decided it wasn't the time for an arugument!

But now I'm wondering...

1. Is there a general assumption that women only work when they have to in the older generation? Or perhaps in our generation too? Do people still really believe a women should stay home unless there's a pressing financial need?

2. Am I seeing sexism where there isn't any; perhaps she thinks that no-one, male or female would work if they didn't absolutely have to, because she's never had a fulfilling job?

Any thoughts?

I have read on here in the past that some people feel that when people (or maybe just women?) work and they don't "have" to, they are doing wrong because they are taking a job away from someone who might "really need it". I must admit that I totally disagree with that point of view, and also inwardly cringe when people say things like "I'm lucky that I don't have to work" as it such a personal choice. Financially speaking, I don't have to work as DH earns a good salary, but by god I have to for (a) my sanity, (b) because I love my career, (c) because I strongly believe people should work if they can, (d) because I'm too scared to throw everything behind DH and his job in case he loses it / leaves me / dies!

But then I have always had a bit too much of a protestant work ethic !

I think they're lucky if they're content with their life and their lot!

It has stuck me recently that most people work on teh assumption that most people would rather do anything than go and do a days work IYSWIM. Not just women but men as well. Dh would consider himself lucky if he could be a SAHD rather than go out to work.

This realisation has crept up on me - that the default position is an assumption that people don't want to work - as my starting point is that I love working (i mean being empoyed outside the home, earning etc) and it didn't cross my mind that so many people actively didn't like it

So I don't think it's sexist. And agree that it's said to avoid any suggestion of SAHM smug thingy - what others said.

i think all of this comes back to the idea that society should be structured so that people can play to their strengths, and the job of looking after children should be valued. So ideally I could go out to work, DH could work part time/not at all if we could afford it and he could do the childcare, and society would recognise that this was normal and sensible and we were both working doing something important IYSWIM.

Excuse the shouting but:

I DO NOT WANT TO SLAG OFF SAHMS!!!

Do you have some kind of persecution complex?

As I said in my OP, I genuinely want to know whether you think the women was of the opinion that women shouldn't work unless it's absolutely necessary, or if she thinks that no-one at all, male or female, whould work if given the choice.

Sigh.... I think I may give up, too many people looking for hidden meaning that really aren't there.

Bram, I would still say that you are lucky that you don't have to work, because it allows you the freedom to do work that you find interesting and fulfilling. If you were made redundant you could wait to find another job that you love and not have to take whatever you could get just to make ends meet.

surely it's about the luxury of having a choice, rather than the rightness or wrongness of being in paid employment?

I consider myself lucky that I don't have to SAHM, and can choose to work, because this is my preference. I know some SAHMs who would prefer to work, but finances mean this is not a choice that's available to them. So I consider myself lucky not because I object to being a SAHM, but because I have the luxury of choice.

You're projecting, she didn't say poor you did she. She is lucky, she does what she wants. Perhaps you do too. An anaesthetist friend of mine works three days a week and thoroughly enjoys her job and spends more time with her dcs...for her this is perfect. I am a bit weird couldn't consider leaving my dcs with a nanny or daycare and so I'm lucky to stay at home. Some women do a crappy job just for the money and would rather be at home, they are not lucky, some get treated like skivvies and stay at home, they are not lucky.....etc etc

Maybe the woman was talking about her own life and wasn't making a judgment about anybody elses life?

"Sigh.... I think I may give up, too many people looking for hidden meaning that really aren't there." But, you seem to be trying to find a hidden meaning in her statement.

Exactly flora. It is good to have the choice, no matter which way you would choose.

Absolutely, luxury of choice.

I have friends who think I must be bored all day (I'm not) and yet if they lost their jobs I'd be rooting for them to find a new one because that's what's right for them.

I've never understood people who win millions on the lottery and then say 'it won't change me, I'll still clock on at the factory on Monday morning'

Why did you play if you didn't want anything to change, FFS?

If I could afford to, I wouldn't work because I hate my job. But I would do LOTS of other things, including volunteering at the school, further education, spending proper time with my toddler, etc And if I had a job I loved, I'd do it part time.

I think it's less about not wanting to work or not seeing it as a female thing, and more about not having a choice about it due to mortgage/bills/other expenses.

So yes, I would consider myself lucky not to have to work. And so would DP.

Hmmm sound like I'm shouting "workshy feckers" like a bonkers tory person there. Came out a bit wrong! I just didn't realise that actively enjoying working was such an unusual thing.

I feel extremely lucky that I don't have to work.

We can afford for me to look after the children. In an ideal world I would have an extremely fulfilling and interesting part-time position that fitted around school/pre-school hours. And my dh would get the same salary for working, say two days a week.

But given we don't live in lala land, this is the best compromise and with two young children I would rather be at home full time that either a)working full time or b) in a part-time job I hated and basically paid for child care.

I would guess the bread-maker woman meant something along those lines.

CrackFox and Posie - you're probably right, I am projecting; that's why I decided to ask MN before I got too indignant!

Flora - you're spot on, it's about being in the fortunate position of being able to choose, and being happy where you are.

I work part time because I have to. I enjoy my job though.

If I won the lottery niether of us would ever work again! Unless you have some amazing life enchancing job, then work is just something you do to get money. If you happen to like it enough to bear it then great - but I certainly would not do it if I didn't have to!

I feel very lucky that I only HAVE to work 2 days a week.

I think that the woman considers herself lucky that she doesn't have to work. That's it. Isn't it a matter of choice. She's happy to be in a position to make the choice to stay home as that's her preference. Others who don't have to work might consider themselves lucky to have the choice to go to work as that's their preference.

But I agree with others who have said it's more likely tagged onto the sentence to deflect comments of "well it's ok if you don't have to work" or to avoid looking smug to someone who has no choice and would prefer to be at home.

I'm quite happy to engage in a debate about whether society pities women who "have" to work.

I don't think that that's generally the case, I think women are far more undermined for choosing to stay at home.

I think men who don't have to work would also consider themselves lucky.

I think that saying you would rather chew your own arm off than be in someone else's position is a rude thing to say. What's wrong with just saying "it's not for me"?

If you told me you would rather chew off your own arm than live in my house or be married to my husband or some other personal choice I had made then I would think you were being very rude.

I am not a SAHM btw.

Actually, now I think about it - who the hell WOULD work if they didn't have to? Think of all the lovley things you could be doing.

Not everyone has an interesting job or career. It's horses for courses.

For some, being at home is MUCH more interesting than working in Tesco or down the bookies.

Also depends on what support you have at home, if you have free childcare then even a dead end job is worthwhile.

withorwithoutyou - point taken, and I apologise if my language was inflammatory. I think it might be because it was such a short time ago that I was stuck at home, and the horror of it is still fresh in my mind.

I'd also rather chew my arm off than be a dentist, or an accountant, or a nursery worker, but I still have the utmost respect for people who do those jobs.

stillbobbysgirl Fri 01-Oct-10 18:06:23

Actually, now I think about it - who the hell WOULD work if they didn't have to?

Me.

I started maternity leave at lunchtime today and am already a bit twitchy .

The luxury of having a choice whether or not to work is an economic matter rather than a feminist one IMO; I think the feminist issue is the fact that we still don't see taking care of children as 'work'.

WOH is not a 'feminist' choice. If it were, then how would we reconcile a nanny being a feminist until she chooses to stay at home with her own children, doing exactly the same (if not more) thing?

OK, so I'll concede that most people would rather not work if their time at home was totally their own.

But it's not when you're a SAHP, is it? You still work, but for your family rather than an external boss.

That's beside the point though....

Me too flora I love it.