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Original poster

"Does your hubby help you with your baby, then?"

44 replies

blackcurrants · 01/10/2010 12:12

"No," I said with a big smile, "he does half of the caring for OUR baby."
The hairdresser, completely oblivious, said "Oh that's nice. So many men don't, you know."
"Yeah," I muttered as darkly as one can in one of those shiny robe-thingies, "but none of them would have survived marriage to me."

I don't think she got my steely insistence that DH doesn't "help" with DS, he bloody well cares for him. ARGH! I'm only 10 weeks into this motherhood lark and I've spent most of it resisting the 19-bloody-50's!

But I did tip well. She maintains my Feminist-Approved-Sensible-Hair and cuts it in 30 minutes. Can't afford to piss her off...

OP posts:
Dylthan · 01/10/2010 12:22

I was about to come on and say the exactly same thing.
It's even worse when it comes from your own family. My mum and granny find it unbelievable how much dh does.

He makes his own lunch every day so while making his also makes mine and ds ( it's just a sandwich not a gourmet meal btw)

This is a despicable act in their eyes I should be up at the crack of dawn making his lunch, iorning his uniform getting ds ready for school and all this while a newborn is permenantly attached to my breast!

I am without doubt a terrible wife as I expect him to help with the children and at the very least be able to change a nappy.

youknowmeasharimo · 01/10/2010 12:26

"Yeah," I muttered as darkly as one can in one of those shiny robe-thingies, "but none of them would have survived marriage to me."

Oh, that did make me laugh.

I can say with absolute certainty that you wouldn't survive marriage with my husband. Or me, for that matter.

Everything in a marriage is about compromise, and starting off with such a black and white position is a recipe for disaster.

Let the stoning commence Grin

sethstarkaddersmum · 01/10/2010 12:26

I always thought it was unfair how nobody was the slightest bit impressed that I changed some of my baby's nappies all by myself.

(after all they were bloody impressed when dh did it.)

Original poster
blackcurrants · 01/10/2010 12:27

DH and I made a deal: I'd gestate the baby, and he'd take care of me while I did that (and not complain about the farting).

Then we made another deal: I'd give birth, and he'd take even BETTER care of me while I did that, and while I recovered.

The third and final deal is still in process: I'm breastfeeding, and he changes every single nappy while he's home, assembles DS's bottles and bag for nursery, and does most of the laundry.

What this final deal works out to is that we both have about equal amounts of leisure time (at present, nearly none! It does get easier, right?!) - once we've got through our day and got DS to sleep, we both have about 20 minutes to ourself. Fair enough - we're both working, and we have a 2 month old baby. But what this deal works out to in the eyes of my mum is that DH is a saint, and in the eyes of my sister that I am a horrible baby-hating, husband-degrading harpy.

OP posts:
Original poster
blackcurrants · 01/10/2010 12:31

youknowmeasharimo I agree - everything in a marriage is indeed about compromise, but some things are absolutes and how babies are made is one of them. DH loves babies. He is rather sad that, due to biological factors, he couldn't do more immediate baby-reading (such as gestation, giving birth, and breastfeeding). He's been champing at the bit to be involved in DS's life since.. well, conception, really. And so the fact that he basically does the same amount that I do - well, it's only fair on him and DS that they get this time together.

And, not for nothing, I reckon the nappy-changing business is the reason why DS is so passionate about his dad already. DH got to see the first smile and hear the first giggle - because of changing-mat playtime that they have together. Most of the time DS sees me, he opens his gob hopefully! :)

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 01/10/2010 12:35

Congratulations blackcurrants! Was just wondering about you the other day as I haven't seen you around for a while.

As long as you and DH are happy and have a fair arrangement, sod 'em I say :o

Oh and SSM - well done :)

youknowmeasharimo · 01/10/2010 12:36

My DS adores his dad. If his dad has changed 50 nappies in his life, I'd be surprised. My son is 2.5YO.

There is no absolute. For us, my DH is away 5 days a week, we don't have a choice. The only absolute is that it doesn't change how a child feels about the parent.

My kids still adore their dad.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 01/10/2010 12:40

umm...youknowmeasharimo, I don't think anyone is judging anyone else's personal arrangements (let alone questioning your DC's feelings for their father). It's more about not having other people think that the baby is yours and yours alone, and that any help DH does is some kind of massive favour.

lal123 · 01/10/2010 12:40

DP shares childcare with me - at the minute I look after them when he's at work and then its 50/50.

I was Shock when I found out my BIL has never changed a nappy in his life (he and SIL have 2 grown-up kids together) I can only assume that he never looked after them on his own when they were babies. Then again he won't take the dogs for a walk on his own because he refuses to pick up after them...

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 01/10/2010 12:44

He takes the word "shitwork" literally then, lal123?

Does he call his DW in to assist at the end of a long toilet session as well? Hmm

sethstarkaddersmum · 01/10/2010 12:45

Thank you Elephants. I had to learn it all from scratch you know, but I was very clever so I picked it up quite quickly.

Original poster
blackcurrants · 01/10/2010 12:52

SSM: well done indeed! Have a cupcake! After you've washed those hands, mind... As DH said last week after a neighbour had cooed over him walking the dog with DS in the baby carrier (something I do every weekday!) "It seems that I get a medal for things you're just expected to do without comment. Because of my mighty phallus, I suppose." Aah, you've gotta laugh!

and youknowmeasharimo - I'm not inferring, implying, or even commenting on how anyone else's family works. As I said: DH couldn't be as involved as he might have liked in the earlier stages, due to not being able to gestate a foetus or lactate. So now he's as involved as he can be, which is how he wants it, and how, knowing him as I do, I expected him to be. The fact that this is deemed 'help' by strangers, rather than seen as the powerful co-parenting that it is, is sad for him as well as me. It belittles what he's doing, and what I do.

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 01/10/2010 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sethstarkaddersmum · 01/10/2010 12:56

it turns out it's not Shock

Original poster
blackcurrants · 01/10/2010 12:56

Surely Nappy-changing is taught at LadyCollege? Along with Noticing Dirt?

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 01/10/2010 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youknowmeasharimo · 01/10/2010 12:58

OK, it just bugs me, when people act like their kids have a good relationship with their dad because he is so hands on.

My DH doesn't get the chance, but IMHO, it doesn't mean a thing. We work together and that is all that matters.

LeninGrad · 01/10/2010 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 01/10/2010 13:09

Yes they teach it there, BC - didn't you attend all the lectures? I always slept through the ones about walking on stilts stilettos, so unfortunately I will never be a real woman now :(

Original poster
blackcurrants · 01/10/2010 13:10

youknowmeasharimo - I feel that you may be taking this lighthearted OP a bit personally.

I'm not commenting on your family setup - how could I be? When I wrote the OP I had no idea of your family set! I make no personal comment on anyone's family but my own.

You commented that "such a black-and-white position" as the one we have adopted in my family is a "recipe for disaster" - and I respectfully disagree. It's working pretty well for us. It might not work for your family, but my OP wasn't about your family, and is certainly not an attack on any parenting setup.

Your attack on our parenting setup has been duly noted. I don't think we're going to experience 'disaster' as a result, but I'll keep an eye out.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 01/10/2010 13:10

You're starting them young, Lenin :)

Original poster
blackcurrants · 01/10/2010 13:11

Elephants: I skived the walking in heels classes, to read illicit feminist propaganda behind the bikesheds. That's why I'm a Real Ladydom dropout. Grin

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 01/10/2010 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beachcomber · 01/10/2010 13:31

Love the idea of LadyCollege dropout. Grin

I remember once posting a thread on MN about how does one learn to walk in heels (for stupid job related reasons). The answers basically involved practising at Tesco whilst using a trolley as a zimmer frame and visualisation techniques for ignoring the pain. I quit my job and set up my own business - seemed like an easier option.

Congratulations for your baby blackcurrants - your DH sounds like a larf.

My DH used to be Confused by the admiration, nay, reverence he could inspire in the general public by carrying a baby in a sling. (I was just a weird hippy overly attached mother when I did it).

This was in France - attitudes to slings poss different in the UK.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 01/10/2010 13:37

Beach - ok, it's not just me then, heels are really painful aren't they? Even low ones make me wince after an hour or two.

Lenin - sorry you're being left at home tonight. :(