Recommending a book to a pregnant 'feminist' friend

[camaleon]

I have a friend who is pregnant. She has a post traditionally dominated by males. Since this kind of post exists (more than 50 years now) it has only been -recently- covered by a few women. And here it goes: she is pregnant and she wants to make a political point about it.

I cannot get into details. It would be too easy to identify her in a few weeks. From what she tells me, I have the impression she believes she will work as before, do everything as before, and her 'point' will be to show to the whole world that you can have children and still be a man productive hard working 20 hours a day human being.

I do not know enough to participate in this thread but I follow it with huge interest. I have seen in the 'wifework' thread someone citing Noam Wolfs' book Misconceptions. Do you think this book would be a good one to give her as a present. From what I know I believe she is under huge misconceptions about maternity, including this incredible trust in medical procedures over/against patient beliefs. Any other ideas?

Hope my query is more or less clear. Thank you in advance

Forgot to say, she is the very first woman ever to be pregnant performing this post

I'm not sure this is exactly the kind of recommendation you are after, but you might like to get her the Janet Balaskas "Active Birth" book (not sure of exact title). It might help broaden her view of what maternity care can look like.

Thank you both for your very fast response.
Dittany, I am trying to listen to her and not intervening at all. I am on her side. I love and admire her very much. She is a source of learning.

She also trusts me a lot for some mysterious reason. However, I cannot help worrying about her attitude towards her body, the future baby, the doctors, her incredibly impressive position. I believe she may get into a huge shock if she is not up to her own expectations. I would like her to know that if she feels different to what she thinks she should feel it is OK if you see what I mean.

Well, even little old me in my lowly job had exactly the same attitude as your friend when I was pregnant with my first child.

I really wish I had a friend like you, willing to enlighten me. She's very lucky to have you!

I think talking to her what you have personally learned from your own experiences, and directing her towards Mumsnet may be more helpful than any book. I would however, recommend Childbirth Without Fear by Grantly Dick-Read.

I liked:
Becoming a Mother by Kate Mosse (the Labyrinth woman),

Life after birth by Kate Figes about how grim and world-shattering motherhood can be.

A life's work (Rachel Cusk) (similar subject)

The second shift or other books by Arlie Hochschild, about women doing paid work and most of the domestic work too. Relevant for the high achieving workaholic mother.

After all that, actually having a baby didn't seem as bad, I was prepared for the worst and so it actually seemed OK.

Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf is what I was going to suggest, see you've mentioned it. I would highly recommend it.

I will have a look to the books. And consider whether to pass them to her or not. Would hate to be patronizing with her, using the 'mums know best' card.

I am convinced she will work it out professionally. Not so clear on the personal/emotional front.

you know she may be fine, some women do manage like this (or own Xenia for example), not sure that we can predict anyones response to something like motherhood and we shouldn't assert or imply that any change is more normal or natural than anyother

what mothers do - especially when it looks like nothing is very good. Misconceptions - yep, a lifes work - yep, theres a good girl v good about gender stereotyping in early years, Why love matters - excellent pre birth book on early nurturing.

ooof loads there sorry!

Aha, I think I know

The Politics of Breastfeeding is good. There is some talk in there about how the decline of cottage industries (where feeding and taking care of the baby would be just another part of the everyday labour), how the working environment of the industrial revolution evolved effectively to shut women out and how it could easily (in some career areas anyway) be shifted to allow that flexibility, rather than the way it is managed at the moment where most women have to compromise on either their career standing or the amount of time they would like to spend with their child, or both.

Whether she wants to breastfeed or not it's a fascinating read, especially the part on women's "place" in the post-IR world, which is chapters 5 and 6 and (in the old edition) is just under 50 pages, so not much if she wasn't interested in the rest.

Thanks again... Will read a few of these myself.

The ting about trusting medical procedures over "patient beliefs", I've had 3 babies including a home birth, I did an awful lot of breastfeeding, cosleeping etc, but I still go for medical orthodoxy over patient beliefs. That doesn't, IMO, mean that you are under misconceptions about maternity. I happen to be quite a fan of scientific evidence. not that that makes me against home births, or active births, but in terms of where I take advice from, it's often straight from the medical journals.

Fennel,
It is difficult to explain without giving too many details about her and I do not think that is OK. I firmly believe in doctors when I need them, really. I have had two births in hospitals, a very traumatic one in my home country and a faboulous one in the UK. If you live in the UK I think it is difficult to imagine the kind of huge interventionism that goes on in other countries during pregnancy and childbirth that is against any WHO recommendation and actually puts you and your child at risk and under lots of unnecessary physical and emotional pain.

I have not said anything to her. I have tried to listen with empathy to her and follow the reasons behind undertaking every test ever invented for pregant women. She will probably go for a Ceasarean birth. I have nothing against it, but I would have really, really benefited from someone providing me with some good material before I had my first child. I think she believes that anything that science can do and every way of taking away pain is just good without any other consideration.

oh OK, if you're in another country. I know some of the differences on this, Caesarian rates etc.

in which case is there a book written by someone from that country, it might be more relevant?

Hilary Clinton is up the duff?
In all seriousness though, your post sounds a bit mean. The realities of motherhood will become plain to her soon enough. And if she's that determined, she'll do what she has to. I found misconceptions a very pessimistic book myself.

A good, planned CS is very safe. It's not the worst option by any means. I say that as a fully paid-up member of the 'birth is life-changing' brigade.

Ina May Gaskin's book mentioned below is very thorough. Notably, she talks about the more personal side of birth (and obviously will alienate anyone who is determined to scoff, but that's their problem) but of course she wouldn't have gained the status she has today - her birth centre having excellent results etc - if she wasn't also hot on research.

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth has good references, a good discussion of some of the dangers of overmedicalisation, and some very specific things to avoid (eg double-layer stitching after a CS).

Misconceptions is a book with an agenda, and is unsatisfying in that it leaves you feeling that even the author couldn't force herself to fight the status quo in the end. It's very depressing.

I have a pregnant friend at the moment who I want to sit down and say: everything changes, you change, your relationship changes, here's what to expect, but you're not in a place to hear it, are you? Until you're in the thick of it. I would say if she's planning a CS, that's not a bad thing in itself. As for eg planning on working almost immediately after the birth, you could talk to her about the vital importance of a bond with one person and see if it scares her, the knowledge that it may not be her, then take it from there.

oops... what a mess.

I am living in the UK now. She is in another country.

I hope she does not think I am mean. I am genuinely concerned about her and I think she is about to pick up a huge battle without taking into account that perhaps things will change.

We all discover how life changes and I believe it is a very different experience for everybody. Not all of us decide to be the first woman who wants to keep a position for which nobody has thought that pregnancy could be happening. I cannot protect her,but tend to think that sometimes the wisdom of others and some good readings do make a difference in our understanding of things we have never experienced before.

It is not my purpose to talk her out of any childbirth plan. It is her body, her own medical circumsntances and her baby. She is very good -much better than I am for sure- arranging logistics/her personal life and her career.

I think I get your point though and maybe I will forget about sending any book her way. Mumsnet has already being highly recommended though.

I think sending a book would be a lovely thing to do. As long as it's not one with a specific agenda you are trying to push, perhaps, but make it one you really think she might appreciate.

Camaleon - plenty of women already exist like your friend so I would not worry.

I had a job which made no allowance for the fact I was pregnant - I used holidays and weekends to go to appointments, scans. I know you are meant to get paid time off work for appointments.

But I was fortunate that I was in a position that I could afford to leave the job - and it meant that I found motherhood very easy compared to extremely long working hours when pregnant....unlike the cleaners that I saw in my building before 6am and after 11pm at night who will still be working tonight.

If your friend is in a post traditionally occupied by males - then she may find she earns good money so can get the help she wants - or take a career break.

If she in the a male-dominated field then "The Politics of Breastfeeding" would be an excellent choice.