Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Do you buy mother's day cards for your DP to send?

30 replies

nesomja · 27/09/2010 14:45

I have noticed that several of my friends who are now SAHM or part-time SAHM buy and send (and possibly write as well, I haven't asked) mother's day cards, father's day cards and family birthday cards for their DP. These aren't cards from both of them, they are just cards signed from their DP. I have a very strong resistance to this idea for a couple of reasons - one, I think it perpetuates the ideas that the person who is at home has most 'disposable' time to do tasks like that (a slipppery slope in my experience, one day you're buying cards, the next day you are doing full time house hunting with a toddler and baby in tow) and two, I think it supports the idea that keeping up social networks is solely down to the woman. Plus I think if I ever started it I would never be able to stop, as my DP would conveniently stop remembering any important days.
Am I over-reacting on this one? Is it just helping someone out? And do you know any men who do this for their DP or is it just a female thing - and if so, why do they do it?!?

OP posts:

pagwatch · 27/09/2010 14:47

I don't know anyone who does this.
Who would do this?

And how bloody offended would any rational mother be to get an mothers day card signed by her daughter in law.
Better not to send one if you are too fucking lazy to sign it.

Seriously, several of your friends have admitted that they do this?

CMOTdibbler · 27/09/2010 14:48

I don't buy cards on behalf of dh at all. My theory is that if there comes a day when he reminds me about my great aunt bettys birthday and gets a card, then I'll do that for his family

booyhoo · 27/09/2010 14:48

i didn't when i was with Exp. and i wont for any future men in my life. my mum does for my dad and i hate that she does but she has always wiped his arse for him so i doubt anything will ever change.

bigchris · 27/09/2010 14:49

No I don't
sadly dh is crap and often doesn't bother sending a card

RamblingRosa · 27/09/2010 14:50

I don't do mother's day cards but I do sometimes do birthday cards and I always do xmas cards for all of DP's family. And frankly it pisses me right off. Sometimes I make a stand and refuse to do it but usually I end up doing it because I don't want them (particularly the younger neices and nephews) to think that their dozy brother/uncle has forgotten their birthday.

Drives me up the wall. I should just not do it. And it's not a question of me doing it because I've got more time. I work longer hours than DP. He's just a lazy git.

shelscrape · 27/09/2010 14:50

I have always worked full time and until I had DS 5 years ago, I always organised card and flowers for MIL. The only reason I don't do it now is that DH actaully manages to remember mothers day now and sends me flowers and organises card and flowers for his mother at the same time. I don't think it's got anything to do with being a SAHM mum, it's got everything to do with waht we let men get away with.

TotorosOcarina · 27/09/2010 14:50

Yes, I do. Because his mum is a lovely woman and he would forget and then she may be upset.

Ditto birthdays and other stuff.

He just can't remember stuff, he has a very bad memory (but that may not entirely be his fault)

debka · 27/09/2010 14:51

Buy 'em, write 'em, send 'em. But he unblocks the toilet and there's no WAY I'm doing that.

Stroodle · 27/09/2010 14:51

Do I 'eckers, like.

His family, his job.

RamblingRosa · 27/09/2010 14:53

Hmm, thinking I need to take more of a stand on this one then.

Why do I feel like it will reflect badly on me if none of DP's family receive cards/presents?

Must go back to chapter one of feminism for beginners.

AliceWorld · 27/09/2010 14:55

I don't. I have seen so many women become the 'social secretary' and so I won't do anything in the vein; he maintains his family relationships and me mine. Of course it reality I end up reminding him to save him ending up on the shit, but I don't buy it, send it etc. Nor do I arrange to see his family - that is for him to do.

shelscrape · 27/09/2010 14:57

A have a sort of system to make sure birthdays etc. get remembered ... they are all on the kitchen calendar in big red letters. DH has no excuse to foget birthday's at all. It's taken 12 years of marraige though ..... He actually forgot a birthday once (I forget who now) and I was asked by DH why I hadn't reminded him ... you can guess my reply

AliceWorld · 27/09/2010 14:58

'Why do I feel like it will reflect badly on me if none of DP's family receive cards/presents?'

Because we live a society where it does often. My in laws are traditional, and I'm sure they place the blame at my door, but I am a bolshie so and so who does it even more then, and they will be nasty about me what ever I do so I may as well give them ammo

pagwatch · 27/09/2010 15:00

Ditto Alice

DH does stuff that is his responsibility because he is not my child. So he does mothers day, gifts for his parents, packs for his business trips, sorts his flights, taxis etc.
I am particularly keen that my DCs observe him being responsible for himself and not treating me like a PA.
He would be really fucked off and patronised if I bought mothers day cards or presents for his mother for him.
I would alos like to think that in the future my DSs don't just expect their wives/girlfriends/partners etc to get presents for me. If they can't be arsed I would rather know that about them

booyhoo · 27/09/2010 15:02

i agree alice, the same way an untidy house will be viewed by guests as bad housekeeping on the woman's part.

i have an uncle who is married to quite a lazy woman. their house is very dirty and everyone knows about it. my mum said once, in conversation with her sister, "he (her brother)wasn't brought up to live in a house like that, i don't know how he can stand it." implying that this awful woman made him live like that, err no mum, they both live there and they both work the same hours, they both chose to live like that.

RamblingRosa · 27/09/2010 15:02

I guess so Alice. DP's family aren't obviously very traditional but I think most of his sisters do have quite traditional family values and do everything for their husbands. I'm sure they would be a bit if I stopped doing it. I feel quite certain that I would get blamed rather than DP.

God, it makes me so angry just thinking about it. DP went to a neice's birthday party recently. I didn't go but I organised a card and present. Gave him the present all neatly wrapped up in a pretty little gift bag. He happily went off to the party without even asking me what the present was. I can't imagine giving a member of my family a present that I hadn't bought and not even bothering to ask what it was before I handed it over. .

TrillianAstra · 27/09/2010 15:03

If DP asked me to pick up a card for him I would, because I work in town and can pop out for 10 minutes - he would have to make a special trip. The same way I would go and get him some of the shampoo he likes if he had run out.

I am not the keeper of his diary though - if he doesn't remember his mum's birthday that is his own problem. And I only buy things that have been described thoroughly and are easy for me to get hold of.

Original poster

nesomja · 27/09/2010 16:27

"Why do I feel like it will reflect badly on me if none of DP's family receive cards/presents?"

This is the nub of it! And the house thing too - why does it always reflect on the woman and why do we allow that to be the case by feeling like it's our responsibility.

Debka: don't you think there's a difference? Blocked toilets are a joint problem, his relationship with his mother is something that each person has for themselves? It's like the difference between buying children's clothes (which are a joint thing I would have thought) and buying your own clothes (mind you, lots of women do that for men so maybe I'm wrong).

Booyhoo, interesting that you describe your uncle's wife as 'quite a lazy woman' but not your uncle as quite a lazy man - think it's part of the accepted norms that a woman who doesn't do housework is lazy whilst a man who doesn't is just...a man.

I have to say I also feel it's my responsibility somehow and I hate feeling like that, it makes me angry - haven't worked out yet why it feels so much like I will have failed if his mother doesn't get a card...

OP posts:

booyhoo · 27/09/2010 16:30

there you go i have just proved my own point!!! i called her lazy but not him.

SandyThumb · 27/09/2010 16:34

Not for his parents/siblings, no. However I am the keeper of a big stock of 'fits all occasions' cards and when he has forgotten a god-child or niece's birthday he usually comes grovelling to me....

A different issue, but one that winds me up more, is that he will send his mother a birthday card, and just sign it from HIM, rather than from all of us .
He doesn't have an acceptable reason/excuse for that one....

arfasleep · 27/09/2010 16:34

I do, I don't write them for him but I do buy them, I'm better at remembering things like that. I also like his mum & don't want her to go without, hope when my ds is older he'll have a partner who'll do the same if he's forgetful like his dad

Original poster

nesomja · 27/09/2010 16:53

Arfasleep, don't you think we 'let' men be forgetful about things like that in a way that women aren't allowed to be? Does he worry about your mother getting cards and whether she is going without? Don't think my DP has ever even considered checking if I have remembered my mother's birthday! (and sometimes I do forget :()

OP posts:

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 27/09/2010 16:59

I buy them, write them and send them. Have also, on occasion, bought my own mother's day card and sent it to myself. But I realise that is plain weird!

goodmanners · 27/09/2010 17:10

I hate the waste associated with cards and the time at xmas writing them out, at xmas we send as few as we need to and he does his own and i do my lot. When it ocmes to birthday and mothers day or fathers day if im in a cheapo card shop i would buy 2 the same for ease that were cheap but he would write it out himself. Tight and miserable us?? Noooooooo

minipie · 27/09/2010 17:19

I certainly don't. If someone in his family needs a card, that's his job. In fact he often reminds me about thank you notes that I need to write (to my friends and family).

But then I wasn't brought up to think mothers day cards, thank you cards and the like are all that important anyway, whereas DH was, so he remembers them more easily.

Likewise I am much less "houseproud" than DH and hence he does more housework than me.

Clearly the secret to feminism is to have very low standards for yourself as regards domestic tasks.

Flip

1 2