Marine, my DC rarely see my dad. I'd like them to see more of him, because I think he has some useful, interesting, good things to pass on to them. And because they love him. And because I love him. We do not live very close.
I'm not worried about him passing on sexist ideas - I am happy to challenge these at the time, or later, just as I challenge lots of ideas my children hear, like that Jesus is coming for us soon or boys don't cry.
It's...the fact that his behaviour, and attitude to women, my mother, my many stepmothers, his constant pursuit of new women, etc, affected my development, my sense of worth, my identity, my sexuality, my choices, etc, to such an extent that I am only now, with grey hair and 2 children, coming to terms with it all and recognizing JUST how fucked up it all was.
And I always knew it was quite fucked up.
I used to please him. I was his interesting daughter who was doing this or that interesting thing in this or that interesting place. It was crucial that I 'not be like other girls.' In a way, I was used as a female son. If that makes any kind of sense. He wanted me to be a 'chick [insert typically male profession].' Now I'm a bore, a disappointment. The other day he called me 'suburban housewife' and laughed. Actually I'm an urban housewife, in fact I prefer homemaker, in fact I also home educate, run my own business and non-profit voluntary org, but hey. And he fucking hates suburban housewives. He has mocked and scathed suburban housewives my whole life (as has my mum). Of course he mocks and scathes all kinds of women so I probably can't win unless I'm being the chick whatever, son he never had.
I don't want to win.
I do, however, want some distance.
Yet I also want closeness, because I am his daughter and I love him.
Such is the nature of abuse, eh?