Mr and Mrs John Smith

[PrettyCandles]

How do you feel about this form of address?

I've never really wanted to use Mrs as I felt it unfair that the man was not expected to indicate the change in status from single (ie avaiable) to married (ie unavailable). I'm quite happy to indicate that I am married - it was the inequality that bugged me.

But what really narks me is when I get letters addressed to Mrs HisName PrettyCandles.

Why?

What's wrong with Mrs MyName PrettyCandles?

It's only historical to use the old form. Women have not become men's property upon marriage for over a century.

Do you think it's about time to change this form of address?

Very few people still use it -- the only people I've seen doing it recently have been over 80 and I can't get worked up about their sticking to what they are used to. If I get addressed that way by someone younger I'll start getting worked up by it.

I get letters addressed that way often enough to notice -at least 2 or 3 times a month. Usually from corporate monsters about things like joint accounts.

But today I received a letter addressed that way to me personally, from a very firward-looking organisation that usually tries to be scrupulously fair WRT to gender, age, disability, etc, and of which I am a member. So I was quite surprised.

Well I think it's a pile of arse. I am queasy about name changing on marriage anyway, but at least if you are called Mrs Pretty Marriedname then that is your legal, actual name. John Marriedname is the name of someone completely different. If they met you in person would they call you John? Or Johnwoman? It's bizarre and should die out

i would never address anybody that way myself - i am not married yet (9 weeks time) but when i am will accept Ms Maidenname or Mrs Fluffles Husbandname but Not Mrs Husband Husbandname.

I've been addressed many times as Mrs Dh's Initial Dh's Surname and I haven't even changed my surname. Fuckers!

It makes my blood boil.

get your husband to write to them saying that he was quite confused to be mistaken for a female!

Dh's Gran phoned once to ask if we got the voucher she sent. I said that I didn't open mail unless addressed to me. She was (for the first time ever) speechless. It felt good.

Oh, and she's not over 80 and she still works.

OK magazine refers to womean as MRs Husband Name Surname. Very old fashioned!! Like wives are merely an extention of their husbands.

My 27 year old married sister gets this a lot. Mostly from his family. It's not unusual.

My inlaws use it.It winds me up.

I don't like it at all and never refer to other women like it. Really old fashioned IMO.

Dh's mother uses this. As does his Auntie, Uncle, Gran etc etc.

I really need to ask them to stop, as it utterly infuriates me, but we live overseas and only see them every once in a while for nice family get-togethers, and I feel a bit churlish going out of my way to bring it up. Must do so though...

(When we married, I took his surname, intending to keep my maiden name for professional life: this didn't work out (namely because I've been SAHM for two years so no professional use of maiden name. So I'm now double barrel and changed 'Mrs' for 'Ms': Ms maiden-Dh's surname). So perhaps a little confusing for them. But still no excuse for being Mrs John Smith).

It's the kind of language people use on wedding invitations:

Mr and Mrs John Smith request the pleasure of your... and so on.

And I think I read in a wedding magazine that this is how a widow should refer to herself/be addresses.

It's bollocks, though.

I am Ms HePlaysGuitar - if and to whom I am married has no bearing on how I should be addressed.

I hate it too. My name is not "John". I share a surname with my husband, not a first name.

JenaiMarr what you say reminds me of something I read in the Guardian recently-ish, about a mother of the bride who felt disappointed at how sexist 'traditions' were making a come-back and becoming embedded in the idea of a 'dream princess wedding'. Have to say I agreed with her.

see if i can find it on their website...

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/may/22/wedding-dress-reception-cost-bridal

(Though actually I think widows are "allowed" to finally call themselves by their own first names, e.g. Mrs. Mary Smith, no longer Mrs. John Smith. But - as you say - bollocks to all that!)

i don't mind if it's a very formal letter and if i take my DH's surname as my own.
it says we're a family unit.

however, if you do not have your DH's surname, then it's wrong.

if they address you on your own, then proper etiquette is to call you Mrs John Smith, which in this day and age is bloody stupid.

but it's considered bad form to address a widow as Mrs Girl'sname Smith, because it suggests a bad split.
(she'd have to tell you to do that)

sorry, i was going to say - if the wife has her own name (or even if it's doublebarrelled, then she should be addressed as such -
Mr John and Mrs Carr-Smith.
or
Mr J and Mrs P Carr Smith (if not hyphenated
)
Mr John Smith and Ms Surname

I really dont like this, especially when it comes from my bank (have complained - no answer received though).
I have kept my maiden name and am not mrs john smith...
my inlaws still adress all letters, birthday cards to me with dhs last name...no matter how often and nicely I tell them that that is not my name...

exactly, mousy - if you've kept your own name, then they should respectyou enough (or at least show it!) to use your correct name.
all the time.

I started a thread about this a while ago prettycandles.

I agree, I hate hate hate "Mrs Steve Wilkinson". My name's not Steve! I am not keen on Mr and Mrs Steve Wilkinson either, tbh and I would usually address an envelope to Steve and Diana Wilkinson which seems acceptable.

DH says his mum (chief offender) thinks that Mrs Diana Wilkinson means I am divorced.

I am Mrs Wilkinson btw, have no problem with taking DH's name, after all my name was just my dad's name...

Winds me up, especially when my nieces were addressed like this when they recently got married. But then ancient Mummytime didn't change her surname on marriage, so I'm seen as very freaky.

When I get phone calls for Mrs Husbandsname I know its double glazing or something.

i have a horrible feeling that those phonecalls in my house are going to be the annoying relatives who refuse to accept my decision
[sigh]

It's only old fashioned etiquette, which is slowly dying out. I don't mind it all - it harks back to having doors opened, all that fairer creature stuff, which I can put up with every so often.

Mrs Bloke Surname - married to him/ widowed
Mrs Woman Surname - divorced from him

Exactly Clary, after all before you were married you weren't known as "Miss Geoffrey Jones" or whatever your dad's name was, were you? Just because you've changed your surname doesn't mean you've changed your first name and/or gender, too!

It is archaic yes. I don;t mind though as DH and I have the same initials! We are both XY TraditionalEnglishSurname.

It is still odd to me, as I didn't change my surname until I just before DS was born - 8 years after we got married; partly because I wanted us all to have the same surname and partly because I didn;t want to land DS with ComplicatedGaelicSurname. Even so, in many circles, I am Dr BikeRunSki. I am not sure I would have been so keem to change it I could not use my maiden name legitimately in some circles.