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Original poster

I don't want to share news of a serious health diagnosis with my partner

41 replies

Alex4646 · 10/11/2025 18:33

I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this. I'm having a second MRI scan on my own tomorrow and most likely will be diagnosed with late onset multiple sclerosis. My late mum has MS too. My partner of several years is brilliant, wonderful and kind but he will not cope with this kind of news well. He has suffered with fragile mental health and needs stability and a (relatively) predictable future. So we live a lovely active and busy life with lots of sport and travel, and of course this may change over time. It's a horrible secret to keep but my instincts are clear; he will feel unable to continue our relationship. We are approaching 60 and we want a long healthy life together. We both work very hard and we love each other very much. We are financially comfortable. I do not seek to criticise him, but to hear from others who have to keep important secrets?

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 10/11/2025 18:38

What would be the prognosis? How long before it’s going to become obvious that you’re ill?? Surely he’s going to notice at some point.

QueenTatianaIorekova · 10/11/2025 18:42

Hopefully you get good news, but... you're both in your 60s. At some point in the future either one of you could be facing a diagnosis that you say he won't cope with. One that will change your plans to travel and how you spend your free time. That cannot be a surprise.

He is not a wonderful partner.
The stress of trying to hide this can cause your health to deteriorate. You need someone who is supportive, not this.

Can you talk to a counsellor, maybe from a MS society?

Tumbler2121 · 10/11/2025 18:43

I think it’s fair enough to keep it to yourself, I told people of a serious illness on a need to know basis.

not saying anything means that it doesn’t become a big part of your life till it needs to be.

it seems more of a problem that your husband may make it all about him, rather than supporting you, whether you tell him now or later.

ButtonMushrooms · 10/11/2025 18:43

What happens when you get to the point when you have to tell him? Won't he be devastated that you kept it a secret from him? I understand your feelings but you need to think carefully here.

Minnie798 · 10/11/2025 18:53

I think you should tell him. In your reasons for not doing so, you say he will feel unable to continue your relationship. That's a choice he should be able to make, it's just false pretences otherwise.

AnotherSliceOfCakePlease · 10/11/2025 18:59

What’s the prognosis, when might it become obvious? Do you believe he’d leave at the point it does?

I live with a chronic condition and trying to keep this from my partner would be very stressful and in all honesty, sometimes impossible, as the level of pain is intermittently debilitating. You’re thinking about him but I’m wondering if you’ve fully considered the stress placed on you and, potentially, the practicalities. How will you feel about supporting him with issues when you know he doesn’t know about this and therefore can’t support you? Are you sure he wouldn’t cope? People can surprise you. I wonder if you’re prone to putting other’s needs before your own, and imagine putting your own needs first will lead to abandonment but this may not be the case.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/11/2025 19:02

Minnie798 · 10/11/2025 18:53

I think you should tell him. In your reasons for not doing so, you say he will feel unable to continue your relationship. That's a choice he should be able to make, it's just false pretences otherwise.

This.

DPotter · 10/11/2025 19:05

Tell or not tell - that's up to you.

However

Who else will know ? Will they tell anyone else ? Or even ask " So how are you in yourself Alex " , complete with head tilt. Wont take many of those before your DP starts to think something's up. And if one person knows it's only a matter of time before the news is fully out there and he's the last the know.

If he finds out through someone else the fallout will be worse for everyone than if you plan a gentle breaking of any bad news.

And if you do get bad news following your MRI, how will you feel about keeping the diagnosis secret ? Not only being understandably worried about your health but thinking at the first sign of major problems your DP will walk out on you. That's not a way to live.

I would strongly urge you to talk this decision over with someone from a support group who has experience in dealing with breaking news to family etc.

Viviennemary · 10/11/2025 19:06

I think this will be really difficult to hide. Di you intend telling your family and friends. Apart from it being a terrible idea.

viques · 10/11/2025 19:09

Holding the burden of hiding this diagnosis ( and I really hope you get much better news than you are anticipating) will only stress you out, which is not going to be good for your prognosis if it turns out that you do have MS. You need to be mentally strong and worry will stop that happening.

Your priority has to be your physical health, you need to recognise that and keep control over it. I hope your partner does find some inner strength and step up to support you, but if he doesn’t then you have to realise that there is nothing you can do to change his mindset so your focus has to be your own well being, your physical and emotional health.

It would be great if you could find a way of supporting each other emotionally, mentally and physically, but that is going to depend on him, not on you.

Sending you my best wishes.

OriginalUsername2 · 10/11/2025 19:09

I think he should know or he’ll find himself in a boiling frog situation - finding he is a full time carer when he can’t handle it but having no way out. He should get to choose.

Slothey · 10/11/2025 19:14

If you don’t tell him, you are deceiving him in quite a major way.

He’s going to find out at some point, so it’s a question of whether the news about your illness comes with a kicker about being lied to.

Im sorry, that sounds very harsh when you’re in a tough situation. But I really don’t think it’s ethically right to keep it from him. It doesn’t have to be immediate, but it does have to be soon.

MsWilmottsGhost · 10/11/2025 19:14

He’ll find himself in a boiling frog situation - finding he is a full time carer when he can’t handle it but having no way out

Either that or he will find out and abandon you later on when you are more disabled and more vulnerable.

I live with chronic health conditions. As PP say, the stress of keeping the secret alone may well cause flare ups. Realistically, you can't keep it from just him, someone would leak it, you would have to keep it secret from everyone. That's quite a burden..

amber763 · 10/11/2025 19:15

Im so sorry youre going through this and really.hope you get better news than you are expecting. I do think you need to be honest with him though. Hopefully he will be supportive but he should be allowed to make his own choice and not live a fake life. I feel like living with the secret would be a massive burden on you too and it would definitely come out eventually.

Dearg · 10/11/2025 19:18

I agree totally with @Minnie798 .

If you are diagnosed with Ms, it would be terribly unfair to continue as you are without giving him a chance to understand what may have changed.

I do hope that you get good news, but you are cheating the person you claim to love , if you keep it a secret.

hattie43 · 10/11/2025 19:18

I think this would be too big a secret to keep . Let’s hope your diagnosis is not as you fear

Ddakji · 10/11/2025 19:21

That doesn’t sound like a partnership to me, really. He’s a boyfriend, that’s all.

I don’t really know what to advise. In theory honesty would be best.

Bunty1958 · 10/11/2025 19:24

He needs to know. It's not fair on either of you to keep this a secret.
He is your partner and you both deserve the chance for him to support you

tarheelbaby · 10/11/2025 19:28

Firstly, handhold and fingers crossed for your results. How terrifying to endure it all without a partner's support.

And what kind of 'partner' is he really if you can't tell him something as huge as this?! If there was ever a time when you needed a 'partner' ... ( but he sounds like a FWB at best ...)

Perhaps better to dump him now? #'It's not you, it's me.' Sheryl Crow dumped Lance Armstrong for these reasons ... do you agree. What does that tell you about each of them ...

'His mental health will not cope with this. He needs stability' - Oh, jeeze ... We all need stablilty but you know the reality of life is not that. What about YOUR mental health? Name me a person in your life with 'stability'.

(and tell me about a man who ever held back a diagnosis because he considered his lady's 'mental stability'. oh, hell no, he expected her to support him all the way ...)

Sorry you're enduring this. Sending you all positives! Go!!!

Wowthatwasabigstep · 10/11/2025 19:36

“He needs stability and a (relatively) predictable future” with all due respect that is what most people want however life sometimes means that this is not possible and they have to address the problems that they are presented with. He can’t cherry pick which issues he is supportive on that is not how good relationships work.

It is absolutely up to you what you keep private however, maybe it is a good point to reassess whether he is the partner you want going forward.

Cadenza12 · 10/11/2025 19:36

This happened to me except it was my husband who was diagnosed at that stage in life. He didn't tell me for a year and I found that very difficult to deal with. Presumably you have been diagnosed following symptoms? In the end you will both have to face up to this, assuming it's confirmed. It's too much to deal with alone and you're either a partnership or not.

KitchenDancing · 10/11/2025 19:41

Minnie798 · 10/11/2025 18:53

I think you should tell him. In your reasons for not doing so, you say he will feel unable to continue your relationship. That's a choice he should be able to make, it's just false pretences otherwise.

I agree. Would you really want to be with someone who you know would leave if they knew the truth? It’s also not fair to basically deceive someone into staying with you.

I’m sorry you’re facing this and I hope the scan doesn’t bring bad news. 💐

GentleSheep · 10/11/2025 19:43

I presume you've had some symptoms already OP which is why you're having these scans. What did you tell your partner about those symptoms? Did you just brush them off whilst secretly investigating? Will you need to take medication for it? What if he finds that? Honestly it sounds like a very bad idea to keep this to yourself, because eventually you won't be able to hide what's wrong, and you will need his support. If he can't provide that, then it's better to know sooner rather than later.

Sorry you are facing this OP.

BruFord · 10/11/2025 19:43

I’m so sorry to hear this @Alex4646 💐

In your situation, I would wait until you have the full results and talk it through with your doctor. Obviously you’ve gone through this with your Mum and are aware of how the disease progresses, so talk through the possible timeline with them.

I think you’re going to have to tell your partner at some point before you experience symptoms. If he can’t cope with it, that’s on him.

Redwaterr · 10/11/2025 19:45

I can't imagine keeping this from a partner. I would see this as a betrayal of I ever knew that it had been concealed from me. I think he has a right to know.

Having said that, I also couldn't imagine ever abandoning a partner if they revealed this diagnosis to me. That would also be a betrayal.