I don't want to share news of a serious health diagnosis with my partner

[Alex4646]

I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this. I'm having a second MRI scan on my own tomorrow and most likely will be diagnosed with late onset multiple sclerosis. My late mum has MS too. My partner of several years is brilliant, wonderful and kind but he will not cope with this kind of news well. He has suffered with fragile mental health and needs stability and a (relatively) predictable future. So we live a lovely active and busy life with lots of sport and travel, and of course this may change over time. It's a horrible secret to keep but my instincts are clear; he will feel unable to continue our relationship. We are approaching 60 and we want a long healthy life together. We both work very hard and we love each other very much. We are financially comfortable. I do not seek to criticise him, but to hear from others who have to keep important secrets?

I really appreciate some fantastic advice on this thread. It is a huge dilemma! I am a very positive human but this has thrown me a bit. I have only told one dear extremely discreet friend. Plus a nurse during a flu jab! I have always said to friends and family that if told of a really serious diagnosis or terrible illness that I would keep it to myself, to avoid the trauma it causes plus how significantly people change towards you. I have seen this first hand.
But I respect the comments about this potentially being selfish or unkind. Lots to consider- thank you.

I can definitely see the appeal of keeping it a secret. I think saving others feelings and changing how they treat you is a stong factor.
But when he does find out. Which he will eventually, i bet he will feel sad and maybe angry you didnt feel like you could tell him. He may question your whole relationship. And wonder if you are as close as he thought.

@Alex4646

"he will feel unable to continue our relationship" because you may become unwell?

"My partner of several years is brilliant, wonderful and kind"

Does that still hold true for you, if, you feel you will have to hide a devastating prognosis from him and will be unable to rely on him for any type of support?

That is so saddening @Alex4646

It's a horrible secret to keep but my instincts are clear; he will feel unable to continue our relationship

@Alex4646 So sorry for your predicament and I know you said you both love each other very much but the above you said implied otherwise. And so it sounds as though you don’t want to lose your partner and keep him for as long as you can - which when the truth at some point becomes apparent may backfire horribly at a time you’re much more vulnerable.

If it were me, I’d let him know and who knows he may surprise you but if he wants out then he obviously never loved you but at least you’ll have a clear conscience and can prepare (whilst healthy) for a separation and plans for other support if possible.

💯

I don't think you can hide this.
What's the prognosis and how quickly is it likely to progress?
You must have had some symptoms already otherwise you wouldn't have had tests.
You will have to tell him at some point. He will feel terribly betrayed if you try to hide this from him. You are showing a lack of trust in him, fearing his reaction that he will leave you, based on assumptions relating to his mental health.
If he feels unable to continue the relationship that's his decision I'm afraid. But keeping something like this from him is very wrong.

I think you should wait until you have received a diagnosis and more information about the likely course of the disease, give yourself some time to take the information in and then tell him, sooner rather than later.

Of course the additional issue here is that MS is a wildly unpredictable condition; some people stabilize after experiencing just a few milder symptoms and don't deteriorate further; some people's health declines quite slowly but inexorably; some people get quite dramatic remissions; other people have symptoms that get worse very quickly and don't stabilize at all. It is why it can be such a cruel disease, the not knowing. The pattern of the progress of your mum's illness might be a guideline here. Or not. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this and I'm so sorry you have a partner whose fragility might make the road harder.
(edited for illiteracy!)

I would tell him, he should be able to walk away if he wants to. In your shoes I would want to know that the person I am with, is there in sickness and in health, not because I tricked him. If he was going to leave, I would rather he did it now, while I am better able to cope and have time to come to terms with it, than years later when the illness has set in and he chooses to leave anyway. He would then be able to leave blaming your dishonesty instead of his inability to cope.

I think he would be likely to be very upset if he found out in the future that you kept it from him.

I have MS and would encourage you to tell him. It would be a big secret to keep, especially at the start, when you would likely experience a rollercoaster of emotions and would benefit from emotional support. You might also qualify for DMT treatment, which would be difficult to hide (this could range from hospital infusions, thrice-weekly injections to daily tablets). Also - from his perspective - I do think it is fair to tell him. I told my partner within hours (mine was an unexpected diagnosis while hospitalised) and 5+ years on, I can't imagine how I would have coped had I tried to keep it to myself. Perhaps seek counselling to talk it through with a professional first? Wishing you well xx

Please do not lie by omission!

My DH failed to tell me about his cancer diagnosis and I only found out by accident when a nurse rang the house to say his Chemo was due to start the following week. We were getting married that weekend!!

DH had the opinion that it was his illness so he got to decide how to deal with it but he didn’t stop to consider how his treatment and prognosis might affect me or our 2yr old toddler. He thought it was kinder to spare me. What a selfish idiot!!!

We got through it and he’s been clear for over 10yrs now. However, the treatment was quite brutal and he now realises what a selfish git he was expecting me to just get on with it, completely in the dark.

He’s actually a much better person now and far more caring and thoughtful especially if I get unwell.

Maybe your DP will surprise you?

I am sorry you are going through this. I’m a health professional and have a lot of experience working with people who have MS. I think it’s important to be honest with him - MS is a very unpredictable disease. You could be completely fine for years, or you might not be. One day, a crisis could occur, and imagine how frightening it would be for him if he didn’t understand what was happening. It’s also worth noting that it can be very difficult to hide MS, both for practical reasons (managing symptoms, appointments, treatments/home visits from
MS nurses etc) and emotional reasons, it can be stressful to keep such a significant health issue secret.

There are many new treatments and options available today, which can make a real difference. I truly wish you the best, but given how unpredictable MS can be, I believe it’s safer and better for him to know what’s going on.

He’s not really a ‘partner’ if you feel you can’t tell him. In fact, he sounds like a wet lettuce. And a self-centred one at that.

Firstly I’m really sorry to hear what you are potentially facing. I really hope you get good news.

I wouldn’t lie. One way or another it will come out and the potential fallout could be much worse than telling him straight up. I also dont think it is fair to him not to tell him.

As someone who has also faced significant health issues I would also say the following. And I do really mean this kindly.
Is part of the reasoning for not telling him because in reality you yourself don’t feel able to face the potential of what may come? And the emotional impact of that on yourself and those around you? Would you benefit from some counselling yourself about how to handle this - not just with your partner but whomever you need to tell.
When I was diagnosed with cancer I too wanted to hide it. I didn’t want to see my parents upset or my wider family and friends. But if I’m truthful about it I didn’t want to think about it. How life was going to have to change. Face the realities of multiple surgeries and treatment. But I had to. And I needed the support of those around me.
I was also very clear about my boundaries about what I could handle. Have you heard of the circles of support? Basically it is you in the centre with rings around you of the people in your life. So the first ring would be those you are closest to. And the outer rings those less close etc. Love and support should flow inwards. And stress and worries should only be directed outwards away from the person in the centre. So you shouldn’t be the one dealing with the stress and worries of those around you. They should lean on people within their own circle or people outside of it. Does that make sense?

You can't keep him under false pretences! And why would you want to?

You don't have to tell him of course if you don't want to - but you should be ending the relationship if that is the course you want to take.

Being his feeling monitor sounds like a lot of emotional labour that I wouldn't care to undertake myself.

This is about you, not him. This diagnosis is happening to you, not him. If you can't rely on him for emotional support, only to make things worse, I suppose you'll need to consider whether he is extraneous to requirements - easier said than done I know. But you need to consider primarily what is best for your own happiness and peace in coping with the diagnosis of MS, which is a big mind-f**k, excuse the language, and then whatever the disease brings you. Is that better done with him or without him?

I was diagnosed at 44 and single and in hindsight, it was better that way. I could re-adjust my life to 'optimum settings' if you like, without reference to anybody else. If I had chosen to hide it from friends/family, I could have done that - 8 years later and I'm relatively symptom free and it hasn't stopped me doing anything. Most people now are started on ocrelizumab which is an infusion given every six months - so again, relatively easy to hide.

But why give yourself the added burden of hiding something like that?

I don't rate the arguments above of how it wouldn't be fair to him because right now, you're the one that matters. Make the decision that's best for you.

Maybe give it some time.