Perimenopausal / menopausal women: what do you wish you knew before it all started?

[ChicaWowWow]

I'm approaching that age bracket, and sometimes wonder if I can prepare mentally and physically for any aspects of (peri)menopause. Sounds woo-woo but I kind of want to listen to my body and do my best to respond to its new needs rather than try and ignore it or freak out and pretend it's not happening.

What do you wish you knew before it all started for you? Any tips?

That if you have ADHD your symptoms will go haywire due to the connection between oestrogen and dopamine. I know so many women like me who were undiagnosed until our 40s because we’d managed our symptoms or been misdiagnosed with anxiety or depression, perimenopause rips the mask off and the ADHD symptoms become impossible to ignore.

I thought I had early onset dementia but it was brain fog ramped up to eleven. And all the systems I’d built to compensate without realising, just stopped working. I got sacked for making stupid mistakes at work, I couldn’t remember simple tasks or words and my anxiety became unmanageable.

Weirdly, I had the opposite: my whole life I've had awful hay fever, but this year (age 50 in peri) it has hardly surfaced at all, for the first time ever. Last year I did get it but not as badly as usual.

But it may have more to do with Ulez and cleaner air in London generally, which has been a godsend.

I found out the name of the menopause trained doctor and only book apportionment with her , the young men are lovely and I have seen them when I have no option but nothing like a woman who is up to date with the latest and had actually been through it herself

it’s a bit like puberty,others around you can tell you are a grumpy hit mess but you don’t always see it

I got panic attacks similar to my pregnancy once so went sharpish to doc and on the hrt

I have a friend who won’t do hrt and is suffering with panic but she us fixated on hrt being un natural and bad and I wish she would reconsider

Things like good weight, eating well and exercise can help. But they have made absolutely no difference to me; my body has been through a battering anyway.

The rage, the mood swings, the lack of sleep (I was sleep deprived when I was younger and had children but this was on another level), horrific anxiety and stress related issues to the point my body suffered very badly for about a year with physiological stress response that honestly nearly killed me (so not just 'in my head'). It has taken me several years to come down from it. If I'd known it was perimenopause related I would have looked for intervention much sooner. Instead I thought it was 'just' work related stress and tried to cope with it the best I could.

I agree that having less alcohol, or cutting it out all together, does help - I've never been a big drinker but both DH and I have found that we don't tolerate it well anymore now that we're middle aged, and I feel much better in myself without it.

Following with interest. Im 45 and have some symptoms which I presume are linked to peri menopause -but my GP says Im too young... (I know this is not true). Dry eyes, weak bladder, mood swings are the most obvious at the moment. Am seriously considering HRT.

That if you have ADHD your symptoms will go haywire due to the connection between oestrogen and dopamine. I know so many women like me who were undiagnosed until our 40s because we’d managed our symptoms or been misdiagnosed with anxiety or depression, perimenopause rips the mask off and the ADHD symptoms become impossible to ignore.

This. I forgot to mention it but this is another reason why it's been very difficult for me. I am so glad to be coming out the other side.

That brain fog doesn't necessarily feel like fog (when you know things are being obscured) but can seem more like a series of fences you can see through that you can't think how to get over.

That not sleeping well in lockdown wasn't because I wasn't getting 'out and about' during the day.

That when they give you anti-depressants because you have regular periods and no hot flushes but are in your 50s, go back.

Does she think hormonal contraception is bad too, chemo, painkillers etc?

How I would go from always being skinny to being on the cusp of an overweight BMI despite exercising more and eating less. I find it absolutely impossible to lose weight. Also thyroid starting not working so I had subclinical hypothyroidism for a year before they would treat it.

Also you don't realise how much your vaginal discharge stops until you start HRT, after starting vagifem I was like "oh, I remember this"

Also coconut oil is your friend for vaginal health!!

That is not simply not true. Doing all the things you suggest may make it easier but it does not stop you having horrible symptoms.

I personally exercise several times a week- swimming, Pilates and walking, eat a very healthy diet, only very rarely have alcohol and had the most horrendous perimenopause.

To answer your question the OP’s question, I wish I’d gone to my GP earlier. I had awful hot flushes which affected sleep, terribly joint pain, itchy skin and kept getting urine infections. A few weeks on HRT completely transformed my quality of life. It’s been magic for me!

@greencartbluecart I've always been a healthy weight and exercise regularly. I've had nearly every peri symptom.

I think it may be a bit like the well known trope of the PFB that sleeps perfectly/toddler who behaves impeccably or eats well and the parents think they're perfect until the terror second-born arrives and they discover it maybe wasn't actually so much about their parenting strategies...

We don't all have the same experience no matter how 'right' we live and sometimes the woman in question is actually just very lucky! A lot of it is environmental too, which will vary so much.

But it's worth being aware of things that are within our control that could help, in some cases.

That it will last for years - I had no idea it would take so long (56 and counting…)

That the brain fog can be so bad that you can find yourself being assessed for dementia (that was fun, not) and the lack of concentration is appalling.

That the tiredness can be overwhelming.

That people still come out with crap like having a healthy weight and exercising regularly gives you a good chance of having no symptoms. However, a perimenopausal and menopausal BS radar is a wonderful thing.

Loving how @greencartbluecart is acting how anyone who suffers symptoms isn't as virtuous as they are! As I said earlier I've always been skinny and exercised well. Suddenly I'm getting fat and yet I'm still exercising well and eating less.

My reference to that was anecdotal based on the people I know, definitely wasn’t speaking for everyone.

Wish my mum had gone on hrt earlier, her menopause clashed with my puberty 😬

Great username 🤣

@soontobeconfirmed I don't drink either, as alcohol doesn't agree with me. I've had an awful time. Seems there's a new symptom every week. I definitely have the meno belly. I look really strange as I'm thin everywhere else.

Just be aware what the symptoms are - they are many and varied and not always obvious - and be prepared to go and speak to someone if any of them, or a combination of them, become too difficult to live with. Some women sail through menopause without too much trouble and it seems that the worst symptoms are experienced by a minority, however there are no awards handed out for making yourself a martyr. If, for you, the symptoms are too difficult and unpleasant to live with, ask to try HRT sooner rather than later. I went on it at 46 and I have no regrets. I will stay on it for the foreseeable future.

That Oestrogel would give me horrendous anxiety and I can only tolerate 1 pump per day. I spent months wondering why I was afraid to leave the house.

One more thing - if you get brushed off by a GP saying 'You're too young' and not understanding the difference between perimenopause and menopause, go and see someone else. I got brushed off by a 30-something female GP who scoffed that 'You're too young to be in menopause', when I had clearly said 'perimenopause', but I was listened to by a young male GP whose training was perhaps more up-to-date. Also, be clear what you want. If that's to try HRT, say that. You only have a 10-min appointment, so you don't have time to beat around the bush (no pun intended), so get informed first (the Menopause Matters website is good), and then clearly state your issue and what you want to happen. Doctors often ask nowadays 'What would you like to happen?', so have your answer ready.

I haven’t read the whole thread. No attention span. Thank you peri menopause…

I wish I had know that it is common for the clitoris and labia and everything in that area to change and not for the better. We need to be using estrogen gel, and having sex regularly or wanking, to keep the clitoris going. WHY did I not know this? I may not want sex as much now but I definitely don’t want to lose orgasms or the choice to have one.

Google. Get educated. And don’t start me on pelvic floors and prolapses….

Yes that's one thing I'm really grateful for - DH and I have kept up a good and healthy sex life throughout and thankfully I've not had any issues in that respect (yet, touch wood; oh Lord, pun not intended!). I didn't realise that the old adage is actually true...use it or lose it...and I'm not willing to lose it just yet!

That's quite personal of course and some women might be quite relieved to leave that particular chapter behind.

That the "urinary infections" I kept getting ( the practice nurse actually said to me "What are you doing to get all these uti's?" 😡😡) were actually the start of vaginal atrophy/ dryness due to perimenopause, ffs! I was only 40, but come on, surely a nurse would have an inkling that a middle aged woman might be suffering from hormone related problems!! I'm still mad about it nearly 20 years later. It was only when I had a smear test that the ( different) nurse diagnosed vaginal atrophy and recommended oestrogen cream. It made such a difference! And no more UTi's!

Why your early 40's ?