Is 43 too old to become a first time mum?

[Kittykittymeowmee]

Just that really.
We've been trying since 2022; multiple failed IVF attempts, 43 later this year. We have 4 embryos in the freezer and I've been putting off planning my next transfer.

Husband is supportive no matter the decision and I can't seem to come to one. There is no gurantee on the success of the next transfer of course, and the chances of yet another miscarriage is higher of a live birth. What I'm most worried about is a late miscarriage. I've had 2 early ones and the treatment was not great..

Should I keep trying (and - potentially regret / or / finally gain success) or give up now?

I had my son at 42. I wouldn’t change anything, other than wishing to be fitter now he is 10.

But I got pregnant naturally and probably would have stopped if it hadn’t happened at 41.

One of my good friends had her 2nd, naturally, at 43. They'd been trying for years, failed IVF, miscarriages, couldn't get pregnant naturally then couldn't hold the ivf. They gave up then they conceived their first at 38. Happy with one, very much longed for, they couldn't believe it when no 2 came naturally at 43.

They are amazing parents, they waited so long for their family, they would definitely say 43 not too old!

Do you have a cut off point in your head? My friend is 43 and after gruelling ivf failed attempts is now pregnant with her second (they also had ivf for the first). I considered ivf, but looking into the stats it was a similar chance of conceiving naturally vs ivf as no male infertility but only one working tube for me! I’m also debating whether to reconsider, but I doubt it will be successful on the first couple of rounds and I don’t want to take out a loan to fund possibly infinite amounts. This wouldn’t be my first child, I think I would be even more indecisive if it was.

I wish you all the luck, I know how heartbreaking this is.

I have had a similar journey to you. We tried for 7 years, had 6 miscarriages and 5 rounds of ivf. I've still got 3 embryos left, but I'm 42 later this year and I just feel done. I've realised I don't want to be an older mum.

I think its been a slow realisation and the longer we've spent away from treatment (my last round was last October) I've focused on my physical and mental health, we've had a couple of holidays and I don't feel that gaping hole or drive to go back.

Have been having psychotherapy for a year too as I had a breakdown last year and started antidepressants, having that space to explore my feelings has been helpful.

I don't think there's a right answer, just the right one for you and your partner ❤️ x

So sorry that you've had such a difficult time. I hope you find your happy ever after whatever that may look like x

I started IUI/ IVF at 40. 7 years later after 5 IUIs and 5 IVFs and two miscarriages, I had twins.
So I don’t think 43 is too old.

However it’s a very personal decision, so you need to do what’s right for your situation.

It’s not too old. Plenty of people have children in their 40s. But only you can decide if it’s right for you.

I had my 2nd at 37 and I’d say yes 43 is too old personally.

It's younger than 44. Do it now if you want to.

For me it would be too old, but it would also depend on the dad's age. If he's 35 then I don't think it's a problem but the adults I know who had 2 older parents all struggled to connect with their parents, especially as teenagers when their parents were retirement age or close to, or they lost them too young. I think it's especially precarious if you are having an only child because they may well be left without any parents as early as in their 20s or early 30s, perhaps before they have had a chance to form their own family.

Thanks @VenusStarr for your story. It helps to hear someone in a similar position. I’ve done 6 collections and 4 transfers; I’m considered a “straightforward” case apart from age and husband’s sperm isn’t 100% normal, we make good blasts but they never stuck (chemicals or <6 weeks loss) so I can only pin it down to quality - I also had a euploid that didn’t even implant..

Thanks all for the input. I know the chances of success is very low; I worry about a late miscarriage or finding out it’s not normal later leading to a potential termination. I also am realistic about the difficulties of handling a healthy newborn should I be lucky enough to have a live birth. Husband is a year younger, I’m the fitter one and I recently have moments where I felt rather “middle-aged”..

And then there’s the worry of dealing with a teen in my 50s.. of course this may be something I’d never know.

I'd say 45/46 is the absolute upper limit - this is from reading up on this topic and seeing similar threads. So I'd say you have a couple more years to really go for it. Good luck! :-)

Nope, my username gives me away 🤭

Best of luck xx

Yes definitely. It’s not fair on the child who loses their parents younger

I don't agree with this at all.

We never know how long we're going to have our parents for. My dad was in his early 20s when he had me and he died at 65. My very close friend who grew up next door her dad was in his 40s when she was born and he died quite a few years after my dad and was obviously 20 years older.

@Kittykittymeowmee

I really wanted a baby in my 40s but it didn't happen😔. Now I'm in my mid 50s and not in the best of health, it was probably for the best. However, I think if I had had a baby, I would just be coping with that baby being a teenager and getting on with life. I certainly wouldn't be regretting it.

I think, if you and DH think you could cope with a child with additional needs, then in your position I go for it.

I could definitely have coped with the baby toddler in primary school age, it's the teen years I'd be struggling with!! And definitely less willing/able to do the late night Mum Mum taxi routine!! And be woken up by teens early 20s at the sort of hours they come in!!

Mind you, having said that the menopausal insomnia has been so bad I'd probably still be awake anyway!

Best of luck if you do go for it 😊

It has to be your call.

However, I conceived with one ovary & tube, at the age of 44y5m. DS was born when I was 45 & 2 months.

Easy pregnancy, no nausea, slow labour. DS finally arrived, 8lb. He's 16 now, all good.

The only thing I did was make an extra conscious effort to raise my fitness level so ds wouldn't be stuck with an 'older mum'. I can still outrun him over 10k.

He can outdo me in everything else now 😊

I had a child at 18 and two in mt 40s. I've enjoyed parenting much more as an older mum. More patience, less anxiety, and I'm more settled financially.
People tend to live longer these days and if you're healthy and fit, go for it.

Who cares what other people think?

There are more older parents now, if you want give it a last go, why not?

Then you can say, I tried everything and it wasn't meant to be.

It’s not too old at all. I have two friends that are both 53, one has a 3.5 year old and the other has a 5 year old and they’re doing just fine. Good luck.

Just what @VenusStarrsaid, the only right answer can come from you and your partner.

Personally, if I had embryos I’d be using them. I’m 40 later this year, and had used to think I’d stop fertility treatment at 40, and now I’m still not a mother and definitely would want to keep trying when there’s money/energy/eggs left to do it.

if your reason to not try is other people’s opinions of whether 43 is too old then please don’t let that stop you. Some people maybe are too old, and some people aren’t. My partners mum was early 40s when she had him, he’s now 40 and his mum is the life and soul of the party! It’s down to you how you age (to an extent!)

Children can lose a parent at ANY age. Older, younger, middle aged, it doesn’t matter.

The questions I’d ask would be from the point of view of the child as well. Is 20 too young to have a parent who is 63? Or is 40 too young to have a parent who is 83 (and whatever age related care needs that may or may not bring whilst the adult child is possibly in the chaos of raising small kids themselves)?

and whether you really want to put your body and emotions through it

Ime it isn't losing the parent that's the problem.

My mum was a few days off her 44th birthday when she had me. When I was 16 she was 60. When I was 21 she was 65. When I was 30 she was mid 70s. Its dealing with a much older mother in your 20s and 30s I've found is the problem.

In your situation I think I’d give it a go and see what happens. As you’re aware, the odds aren’t in your favour.

As for kids losing parents when they’re young - unfortunately that can happen anyway. I was 18 when my mum died from cancer at 47. I have a friend whose mum was in her very late 30s when she was born and is still going strong now in her late 80s.

Personally, in my late 40s I do not think I would have the energy to parent a young child as well as I did in my late 20s and early 30s. I’m fit and well but lots has changed in the past 25 years that I don’t think would make me a better parent. The thought of getting through the teenage years at nearly 60 isn’t attractive to me either.

Edited to add - think about how old you would like to be when you retire. I’m definitely hoping to have finished work before I’m 60. Not sure that would be doable if we still had dependent dc.

Good luck whatever you decide.