What can I do about no sex in a year

[oldbeforetime12]

This is incredibly embarassing so please be gentle.
For over a year I have not had sex with my husband. He hasnt pressured or mentioned it, but I dont want to be this way.
My issues are

1. I have no libido at all. I love my husband and I dont want to be just friends with him.
2. I have so much pain when we did have sex cos I feel like Im being rubbed, no matter how much lube we used. Im not sure if its the episiotomy scar (from 17 years ago) causing this or not, but it gets so sore.

I built up my nerve and went to the doctors about 2 yrs ago. He prescibed Oestrogen Gel but I couldnt continue as it made me so sick. I have always struggled with Oestrogen and it always makes me sick. So this means I cant have HRT.
I also probably have lichen sclerosa which is controlled with steroid cream.
I need to go to docs again cos I dont want to continue like this.
What do I need to say to the doctors to get this sorted?

Go and see a specialist privately. They can be a bit more proactive.

@CplT that's not possible, we don't have the money for that.

At least ask for a specialist referral from your GP. Then follow it up to make sure that it happens. Also look at Benenden medical cover as it's quite reasonable.

We're moving this thread to our Women's Health topic for the OP.

Don’t be embarrassed this sort of thing is a lot more common than you think and dr is very used to seeing it.
I’m in a similar situation but lack of sex is due to me keep getting cystitis so the pain always puts me off. We have found other ways to be intimate without always having full intercourse. Is this something that could work for you?
Do you know why you have no labido? You need to know the reason for this first. I’m guessing you are Peri/meno so this is the issue? If so a specialist in this area should be able to help. There are different types of lube so trying different ones can help. Without sounding like tmi are you producing any natural lube? I found that relaxing and just being intimate knowing that it wouldn’t lead to sex and pain made me produce quite a bit of my own so if we did take it further there was plenty! (Sorry if tmi).
I think get to the gp and be totally honest how to feel and what’s happening.

Vagifem pessaries

It's such a tiny local does of eostrogen they give them to people that aren't allowed HRT (I.e history of certain cancers etc)

Much lower does than the cream.

Huge impact - makes you 'wet' (sorry) but also ups libido

Really might be worth trying.

@cheeseandbranston The cream I tried was estradiol which is the same oestrogen as in Vagifem. It made me sick to the stomach. I am very sensitive to oestrogen. But iot was 5 years ago so who knows now.

What about testosterone supplements? They are meant to help with libido. You can now get it from superdrug if you pay for the test there.

The oestrogen pessaries might work better for you and are definitely worth a try. Also only use water based lubricants such as “Yes” - much less irritating, don’t use KY jelly. you should also try Yes vaginal moisturiser.

Do make an appointment with GP, but ask for a referral to a Gynae.

The dose of oestrogen in vaginal oestrogen is so low that you get the same amount in a year as you do in a day of gel/patches.

Honestly if you have vaginal atrophy it's life changing.

The lichen thing I believe you shouldn’t be using soap at all but dermol for washing, but you probably know that.

I think as others have said, visit GP and be totally honest about the problem and how you feel. I would also suggest you take to your DH about how you feel and how it is upsetting you and that you do want to have a proper sex life and value it.

Whilst husbands in your position are to be lauded, the reality is that marriages slide to be friendships and whatever the rights and wrongs, become vulnerable to other temptations which can come out of nowhere and then it is too late with lots of hurt and loss of trust.

Perhaps when talking you can just cuddle and caress with no expectations

All the best and hope you can start progressing.

Whilst husbands in your position are to be lauded, the reality is that marriages slide to be friendships and whatever the rights and wrongs, become vulnerable to other temptations which can come out of nowhere and then it is too late with lots of hurt and loss of trust

So OP needs to give her husband sex, before he strays? Why is that? Because other women are just too sexy for him, and, as a man, he can't be expected to control himself? Jeez.

@oldbeforetime12 Your issue isn't likely to change your husband into a lying cheat if he wasn't one before. You are not responsible for providing him with sex.

How come the two of you haven't talked about it? Could you raise the issue? It might be good to share how you're both feeling? Is it awkward? Also, why are you embarrassed? Do you feel like you're 'supposed' to want sex?

I can only comment on the libido part as it’s the only one I’ve experience with - has your GP done bloods?
My hormonal levels were whack and have had to be referred to an endocrinologist to see what’s going on as it’s not perimenopause as thought.
I’m 31 but just thought I’d input the blood test bit.

@Watchkeys

"So OP needs to give her husband sex, before he strays? Why is that? Because other women are just too sexy for him, and, as a man, he can't be expected to control himself? Jeez."

I didn't say she had to give him sex. I pointed out the reality and what I suspect may already be in the back of her mind. You only have to read the numerous posts on MN of women feeling unloved, missing intimacy because their partners won't or don't want to have sex with them, and yes some admit to wanting to stray or divorced.

The poster clearly has a genuine medical issue she needs help with but talking to her DH and him knowing what she wants is helpful

OP i have similar issues at the moment.

GP says she can't see any reason for the pain, neither could pelvic physio. It feels like my perineum skin is pulling and catching all the time at the spot where I guess my scars are from giving birth.

I did have to use steroid cream in the summer so I wonder if it's affected the skin. It certainly gave me thrush.

I have just bought some Trevarno soap to see if that helps, those liquid emollients give me thrush.

@Watchkeys apologies I didn't meant to quote you there.

Could you try Blissel gel, it’s estriol not estradiol, a weaker form of oestrogen.
or Intrarosa which is DHEA.

@Sunflowergirl1

I pointed out the reality and what I suspect may already be in the back of her mind. You only have to read the numerous posts on MN of women feeling unloved, missing intimacy because their partners won't or don't want to have sex with them, and yes some admit to wanting to stray or divorced

You pointed out what you believe the reality to be. Unless that you think that you are some sort of all knowing oracle, you don't 'know the reality', especially not if you're using the 'proof' of MN posts. What do you think happens when a woman has a happy relationship, and reaches a healthy understanding with her partners when things go wrong? Where do they post? What do they post?

Backing up an opinion of what 'reality' is using MN as a metric shows great naivety. There are more realities than you are aware of, and nobody's opinion is fact.

Have you any actual data regarding what proportion of husbands lie and cheat when their wives don't have sex with them for a year, or are you literally just using MN as evidence?

Sorry for the derail, @oldbeforetime12 I just think that this is a really poor argument and worth quashing at the offset.

I recently started getting b12 injections, just for general lack of energy to see of it helped. After the 2nd one my long missing libido is back. Nobody to test it on at the moment mind as I ended things with my ex a year ago. The sex thing wasn't the only problem with us though. Him being a selfish arsehole was a bigger issue for me.

Anyway, it might be worth giving a try.

You may find piv sex hurts but you can still be intimate. Very few men would turn down a blow job. Have you tried Gina. You can it over the counter and it's a very low level. I use KY gel.

That's a tough situation OP. I can't use the gel either, makes me really sick not just a bit nauseous. Doesn't matter how many posters say it's only the same dose as one HRT tablet a year, it is still not suitable for me sadly. I hope you find a solution and I'll follow this thread for ideas of weaker gels for myself.

Wow that's a lot of responses.
I am 54 and believe I am through menopause. I think maybe it is vaginally atrophy or maybe some mild form of vaginusmus. I freeze a little when we have had sex, as I expect it to hurt vicious cycle.
With ref to doing other stuff, I'm just not that person. I have always found sex extremely embarrassing and have never given a blow job. In lots of other ways, I am a very confident person.
You are right I do need to talk to my husband but don't think we can solve it alone.
In the new year I will have to swallow my fear and start getting it sorted.
Also I don't believe I owe my husband sex, but believe its important in marriage/ relationships as it creates a bond like no other.
Thanks to all for advice.

I have always found sex extremely embarrassing

and

I freeze a little when we have had sex

I think there's more going on here than a physiological issue, @oldbeforetime12 How does your husband respond when you freeze a little? What does he do/say, when that has happened?

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Hope this helps